Would it surprise you?

*** Warning: Self-centered Melancholy Post Ahead – Read at your own risk! ***

So, would you be surprised if I told you that Frannie is a moody person?

That while she puts on a sunshiny face … she really feels quite dark. It is more than likely that she suffers from depression, but doesn’t want to talk about it. (Please no advice needed, I know the drill, I’ve been down the road … today I am just venting).

That she thinks things that she would never repeat. But she wants to, just to get them out of her head.

Would it surprise you that a lot of people consider Frannie to be a success? But deep down inside she feels like a great.big.fat.failure.

Would it surprise you to know that she trusts no one, not even those she probably could?

If you ask her, she will tell you she in fine … but the words in her head scream ‘liar, liar, liar’ … but no one calls her on it. She has perfected her social act, but inside she is so overwhelmed that she doesn’t know how she will get through the day.

Would you be shocked if she said she didn’t really want to live? Not that she wants to die; just that she doesn’t want to live. I think there is a difference. Perhaps she just doesn’t want to face any more days like the last few.

Would any of this surprise you?

Probably not. I doubt she is so very different than most. That’s the thing about Frannie; she is quite average – ‘adequite’ as Lindsay Lohan would say. Nothing out of the ordinary; sometimes invisible, occasionally noticeable, but never really shining.

Y’all are wise, I know this. Don’t take this the wrong way. I know that I am wallowing in self-pity. But damn it, this is my place and it is the only one I have. Right now, I have no one to talk to … no one to repeat the occurrences of the last few days to. Even here, I can’t spell it out – but I can wallow. So, please forgive me.

Today, I will be looking for all things light and airy. In the hopes that tomorrow I will have something joyful to say.

I have my prayer book out … my Bible by my side. I am seeking answers in my handbook for life. They just aren’t coming yet. They will, I know – but it doesn’t change the sullen of today.

Funny, I am coming to a close here and I just don’t know how to end. I want to say – I am not going to harm myself, I am just so incredibly sad and I just don’t know how to over come it. I know that I should talk to someone but I can’t afford it and I am just not able to ask for help right now – I am sure it is out there, but to do so could cause even more detriment to my life … sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

How do you explain all of that?

How do you end your wallow?

~ Frannie

I know God has big stuff planned that ultimately doesn't have anything to do with me. -Michael W. Smith

Shut out all of your past except that which will help you weather your tomorrows. - William Osler, Canadian physician

But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, ... that we might receive the full rights of sons. Galatians 4:4-5