in a blurr

I am living in a blurr ... a bubble. I keep trying to write, the words don't come. I can't seem to put them side by side. makes blog postings sort of rough.
Many medical changes recently - meds, meds, meds. No sleep. too much sleep.
urgh.

FF

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.
— Philippians 1:19

There's nothing there.

That is what they tell me. They don't know why.
Why so often.
Why so hard.
Why medication doesn't help.

Why me.

I am left thinking ... why doesn't *good news* fell good?
I don't have a tumor or a anything fatal.
Good new, right?
Of course.
but ...

here I am left wondering ... why. what. how. when.

There is something.
There has to be a reason why it hurts so much, so often.
Why I am unable to function at least once weekly.

More tests.

That is the pat answer. See this person, that specialist ... over there -- far away.

Or ...

try this medication and that medication - oh why not add this one ... it might help.
help dull the pain -- but not
FIX THE PROBLEM.
or even remotely identify the problem.
Try this cocktail ... then that one ... red pill, blue pill, 1/2 the pink every other Monday at noon and six ...

no.

NO!

NO!

I don't want to.
And you can't make me.

can they?
Well, of course not. But when the pain is so bad and there aren't any answers in sight ... I am left
wondering ... how.

And ... feeling like a martyr. and I hate that. I hate it because I don't want to be the person that can never truly say "I'm fine" ... I'm NOT fine. I am barely "ok" on most days. and I hate repeating myself over and over and over ... a broken record. I hate it that I want to scream at people, nice people who just want to know and reassure .. but ask questions that I can't (or won't) answer ... I want to scream NOTHING HAS CHANGED ... no answers here.

but I don't. Scream. ever.
Only in my head.

this is my blog and I won't apologize for weeping here ... because here is where I can scream ... even if just a little. I hope you understand.

Frannie


Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. Carl Sandburg

You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. Psalm 69:5-6

P.A.I.N.

So, the tooth came out.

As did some bone matter.

Now I have dry socket and an infection. and it hurts like hell! Seriously I would rather give birth, sans drugs, all alone in the forest than feel this pain! One side of my face is so swollen I can barely see ... yes, I am vision!

I can't talk because my jaw is in permanent clenched mode ... this, in particular, is creating a rather desperate situation since my new job requires me to be on the phone 4-6 hours a day ... besides I can't yell at the children -- and that is certainly a tragedy!

The pain meds aren't working ... the dentists advise (and I quote) gobble more honey. Who tells you to gobble pain meds? Ok, they're the pro-fess-ion-al! I gobble away and now feel sick to my stomach .. which could be the infection.

This sucks. HUGE!

I do have to add that AngelBaby is especially sweet to me though ... she keeps trying to kiss Momma and make it all better ... the down side is that her *love language* is touch and she LOVES to pat my cheeks ... o.u.c.h.

Frannie


Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. - Mae West

Blessed be your glorious name, and may it be exalted above all blessing and praise. Nehemiah 9:5

I wonder if you'll be back.

And by you ... I mean the people who lurked around daily and never commented ... my blogger friends, I think, will remain my friends despite my recent disappearing act. But those who lurk, well, I just doubt that they are as invested.

I don't blame them really ... I haven’t been as ardent a blogger as I had hoped to be. I had a plan of sorts … a method to my own madness really – but then life kept happening and I wasn’t able to post as much as I wanted, not that I haven’t thought about it … that is the other issue; I have found blogging (reading, posting, commenting) to be an obsessive hobby. One that I can hardly stop thinking about; why couldn’t I have taken up jogging instead?

Anywho … I am not nearly back yet. Mr. Farmer’s new venture has, indeed, caused much more work for me … but so far it has been a fabulous thing for him – so I will continue to support him to the best of my ability! (I would either way, but it is much easier when the venture is a success!)

And I have been cookin’ more than I thought I would! Business is not too shabby for a hick like me :O) It will still take us about a year, I think, to catch up from gettin’ behind … but we are on our way.

Another reason for my continued sabbatical is more personal.

In the past two weeks I have discovered that one dear friend is being cheated on by their spouse, at the same time I have learned that another is doin’ some cheatin’ … it is really breaking my heart. And it is a hard spot to be stuck in. Not knowing what to say or do … do you let them know you know (either party?) … do I tell them what I really think? Part of me says ‘it’s none of your business Frannie, keep out of it’ while the other part of me screams ‘if I don’t say something isn’t that like condoning the behavior?’

It isn’t the first time I have been in this spot – I was here many times in high school and my early 20’s … and I did learn that the messenger was usually shot. But it is different now for two reasons – 1) I am a Christian and these are folks who claim the faith and have (in the past) appreciated my Christian outlook and honesty and 2) there are children involved.

I keep going back to ‘would I want to know … really?’

I think I would. But I really can’t say for sure … I think in my mind if Mr. Farmer was going to have a ‘one off’ with someone, I wouldn’t want to know necessarily. But if it was an actual on going thing – of course I would want know, preferably before everyone else in my sleepy little town knew …

Urgh! I am hating this … the more I write about it the more I can feel the pit in the bottom of my stomach grow!

What do you think?

Frannie


You don't have to be alone in your hurt! Comfort is yours. Joy is an option. And it's all been made possible by your Savior. -Joni Eareckson Tada


God's everywhere. God's in the effort, God's in the struggle, whether that's for civil rights or creative expression. God's always in the struggle with us. -Anne Lamott

I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have spoken of Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth from the great congregation. Psalm 40:10