Here we go again

New and improved ... well that's what I am hoping for anyway.

This week I start a new round of testing ... the oscopies; Gastroduodenoscopy, Endoscopy, Laparoscopy ... and the dreaded.I.can.hardly.say.it Colonoscopy. Yeehaw! Am I excite? Not so much!

While I am hopeful that some concrete answers will come for all of these tests (Please Lord, don't let them all be for nothing!), the lead up to them - not to mention the prepping - has me shakin' in my boots, and more than a little grossed out! Especially that last one.

The first one takes place on Thursday -- and the sucky part is that one must fast for a minimum of 12 hours before the test ... the one on Thursday is at 4:30 in the afternoon, so that means I can't eat all day, but I must still take all of my regular medications which make me feel sick as hell if I don't eat something with them. Ahhh but I am not complaining .. ok well I am, but can you blame me?

Because my body has become fairly immune to medications - many years of strong narcotic medications - it will take a heck of a lot of anesthesia to put me under. They anticipate that it will take 36-48 to come out of my drug induced coma, which means I have had to arrange for a bevy of child care - and husband care :) because God love him, Mr. Farmer is fairly incapable of managing when Mrs. Farmer is away!

Okay, so the bonus - with all the fasting, not to mention the cleansing, I might lose a pound or two or five ... and that could put me at my goal weight (125) which I have not been able to attain - I have been plateaued at 130 for about five or six months. I am okay at this weight, given the fact that it is 105 (at least) than I used to be ... but a girls gotta have a goal, right?

Funny (sorta) story ... early last week AngelBaby had a fever, the not funny part, and when she woke up she was quite wobbly - as one can get when feverish - she tried to walk into the living room be was too shaky to make, she looked up to me and said in a pitiful voice Mama, why are my legs going backwards? She must have repeated it three or four times before I could stop holding my breath trying not to giggle and scoope her up in my arms. Maybe you had to be there, but it was highly cute and very humorous! She is better now, but whenever she doesn't feel like walking she'll say My legs are going backwards again. She is one smart cookie!

Out for now,
Frannie

For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations. Isaiah 61:11

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.” Rita Rudner

Technology

My computer finally crashed for good.


Nothing like being forced into spending money you don't have. But I must say that I am thrilled with my new computer ... it is so fast and has all of these cool new functions.

It has Window's Vista. Which I haven't used before and understand that it can be a bit ... ummm ... tempermental. But I am sure that I will figure it out.


Nothing much else has changed .. still seeing a slew of Doctors. Still not getting any answers.

Well, that isn't entirely true - I do know that I don't have a brain tumor, I don't have any allergies, nor do I have any detectable cancers ... so I do have some answers. Just not any answers that help.


We have been busy, busy, busy with year end (school) activities. The kids have so many daily activities that make my head swirl ... I can haardly keep up. Add to that my cooking schedule, volunteer schedule and daily work schedule.


We finally have a taste of summer/spring in our neck of the woods - thank goodness ... I am relishing in the warmth. And being able to plant a garden - there is nothing like your own fresh veggies. The kids love working in the garden and presenting their own carrots, beans and tomoatoes.


On of my favorite bloggers/author's is getting ready to release her newest book .. check her out, if you don't already ...




Hope your weekend is TERRIFIC.

Frannie

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. ~Albert Einstein

anon-I-miss

that is who I am here - on this blog.

I chose it. I know. Very intentionally.

Because I had to. Because once upon a time I had a blog where I spoke more freely about my Real Life, my family and all that it entailed ... and I got burned.


It happens. But it makes it hard sometimes. Especially when I forget how much I have actually said here and how much I have wanted to say -- not always the same thing.


Let me clarify - I don't lie here, I just don't talk about the things that I really want to talk about. It is all more superficial than I would like it to be. Especially right now when I have so much to say.It sort of takes away from the whole reason that I started blogging ... so that I could write, which I love. So that I could have an outlet, which I need.


The side effects of the new med are running rampant. I am a wreck. The things is, it is hard to tell what is a side effect and what is real. Am I catching a cold, or are those the flu like symptoms that they mention? Am I going to start my period, or are these the intense abdominal pains indicated? It is enough to make you crazy. Which of course, Mr Farmer thinks I am.


My anxiety level is HIGH, which makes my cranky and definitely leads to depression. Thougths of suicide ... not so much. But I can see how some might get there from here. Although I can barely hold a thought pattern together, so ....


4 more weeks, I think.


On the plus side - no weight gain, nor any weight loss. The nausea is hell, but it does keep me from pigging out.

This weekend I am spending some serious girlfriend time -- going out for drinks at a Tapa's Bar. Now of course I can't drink and I don't really know what Tapa's are, but it doesn't really matter - I am going out with friends - some I know, some I don't - and I am going to let my hair down just a little.

I hope you have something fun planned for your pre-Mother's day weekend.

Peace,
Frannie

You know when I feel inwardly beautiful? When I am with my girlfriends and we are having a 'goddess circle'. Jennifer Aniston


Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ... Romans 5:1

Choices

Turns out the choice wasn't really mine to make. Not really anyway.

Doctor number one conversed with Doctor number two and while reviewing my insurance plan it was discovered that if I don't at least attempt to take this medication (or at least 2 medications within this class) I will not qualify for the next level of treatment. It seems that there are tiers of treatment and you must successfully attempt each tier before the insurance company will refer you to the next level. Sweet.

How do you like that?

So, I started it last week.

Here are just some of the side effects;
Dizziness/Double vision (at least half of the people get this)
Headaches Coordination problems (as if I don't already have this problem!)
Blurred vision
Nausea/Vomiting
Irritated or runny nose
Sore throat
Cough
Abdominal pain
Insomnia
Shakiness/tremors
Weakness
Back pain
Fatigue
Flu-like symptoms
Indigestion or heartburn
Painful menstrual cramps (hooray!)
Bronchitis
Diarrhea
Fever
Dry mouth
Constipation (before or after the diarrhea? just wondering ... and then hemroids?)
Chest pain
Weight loss

also less frequently are; seizures, Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unusual bruising, bleeding, liver damage, such as yellow eyes or skin (jaundice), severe muscle pain, frequent infections, hives or rash, fever, swollen lymph nodes (swollen "glands"), painful sores in or around the mouth or eyes, swelling of the lips or tongue, and again - Suicidal thinking or behavior -- hmmmm ... I wonder WHY??

I already have a bladder infection, which may or may not be related ... but hey, I am not complaining. To top it off, I had to add an additional medication - or three - to my daily list to counter the side effects of this med. 5 weeks, that's how long I need to try it, for it to be considered a fair trial.

Any wonder I am a raging Biatch? Everyone is trying to be really nice -- in the house, I mean -- but they can only walk on egg shells for so long ... and I can't blame them, it isn't easy to understand - I can't even explain anything - because there are no answers really ... and of course the meds make me so loopy that even if there were answers, I couldn't articulate. And I feel angry and frustrated inside -- part of this is a side effect, this I know -- but the part is the trapped in the system side of me ... so far I have managed not to scream the words that seem to whirl through my head ... I feel a little bit crazy at times - ok most of the time - and while I know it isn't anyone's fault and they can't do anything, I just want them to be quiet. Which of course, they can't do.

Ok, well there you go. I am managing. Trying to get through. One day at a time.

Peace ~
Frannie

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

He [Jesus] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.
Romans 4:25

Weather or whether

Weather ... it's April 18th and it's snowing.

Snow. In. April.

Wrong. this is plain old wrong. At least where I come from it is. We don't generally have weather like this. And I don't care for it. I am ready to put the long sleeves away. I am ready for sandals and skimmers and a pedicure.

Whether ... whether to take the next med or not. That is question that is weighing heavily on my mind today. I have tried several. They are messin' with my abilities. Severely. It ain't pretty. But ...

I am seeking some solitude this weekend. I am going to do my best to steal away some quiet time. I am have to bribe some people. But I need some peace. It doesn't come cheap - but I think it will be worth it in the long run ... because I need to know the answer to whether ...

I started seeing a counselor of sorts. Have only gone a couple of times -- it's tough to arrange. But it has been good so far. It is hard for me to open up - to be vulnerable. Truthful. We'll see.

Snow. More snow. I can't believe it.

Happy April

Hope you are warm, where ever you are ...

Frannie

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather. ~John Ruskin

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Switching things up.

What do you think?
I got a new do.


Do you like it?

I am still working out the kinks.


But I like it ... I can't figure out how to change the color of my blog title ... but it's ok.


I had all of my tests. I am battered and bruised. Inside and out. Now I just wait and see, wait and see. ohhh the waiting is the hardest part ....


I finished my taxes last night at midnight. I was going to use the ca$h for a new computer, but I have to use it for practical things instead -- like new brakes for the big rig. Damn!

Spring break is over for the kids, back to a regular schedule ... fun, fun, fun. They are on the count down to Summer Vacation - and I can honestly say I am looking forward to it too! We have a few fun things planned for the summer - but mostly, I think I am going to take some time to enjoy my girls.

I hope you have some actual Spring in your area - I think we finally do, we have had a full week without snow, so I am going to call it good ...

Blessings,

Frannie

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens

I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. Philippians 3:12-13

TEMPLATE WARS

I couldn't even read my own blog.
I could post, but I couldn't look at it ...
So, I took *up graded* - can you tell?
Now what?

Testing tomorrow.

I am nervous.

Really nervous.

(and I keep spelling nervous with an *e* at the end)

FF

Started

Never say never.

Started! whew.

Of course, I did. Just as soon as I broke down and took the Test - literally 45 minutes later ...

Now I am going to take some Midol and lay down with a heating pad.

Still have testing to look forward to this week.

Peace.
Frannie

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. ~Erma Bombeck

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:7-8

testing 456, testing 456

I can't say it out loud.
Not at home.
But I can say it here. Especially when there are so few people that actually visit nowadays.

I am late.

3 days.

No biggie really, right?

Right.

But I am not a generally. Never. Well ... um besides the 4 times I was knocked up, I have been late twice in my nearly 4-0 years.

So, I am freaking out.

Meds.

S.e.r.i.o.u.s. meds.

I am on a ton of them.

Seven, eight. Something like that. Those are the dailies. Not the ones I take when things are really bad.

I go in for a slew of blood work on Thursday (completely unrelated to lateness) and an ultrasound (also unrelated - I guess that is obvious, since I can't say it out loud) ... I think I will just wait it out and let it be discovered if there is anything to be discovered.

The funny thing is - of course - that since I have been so sick, the conjugal visits have been exceedingly minimal the last 6 months ... and I know this one was an early morning adventure snuck in by Mr. Farmer - I'm not even certain that I was fully awake and I know I went back to sleep ... we don't use BC because of my migraines and because we had trouble conceiving when we tried to ...

OK, now that I said it out load, I am certain that I can feel the cramps coming on ... and that the flow will begin at anytime ... and I will be back to delete this post.

Happy Sunday!

FF

Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is to small to be made into a burden.
~Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." Galatians 4:

Neglect

It's not you. It's me.
I am neglecting everything these days. Some things I neglect on purpose - I just don't want to deal with my mother, or that friend who isn't really a friend ... and other things aren't so intentional - like this blog.
I think I am down to like 12-15 hits a week. Yikes. Ego crash. Oh well.
The problem is that I have so much going on that I want to talk about, but I can't. Not and totally blow my *cover* ... which I have worked hard for. And until I can settle everything down (when the hell will that be anyway?) I just don't know how to write here ... because all of the stuff that is really going on just seeps into the words that I am trying to say.
There have been a hand full of blessings ... and more than a hand full of hardships.
We're coping.
We always do.
I can say that Frannie has been sick - really sick - which has cause great financial strain on the Farmer household and I am fAreaKeD out . So if you happen to be a prayer - I would appreciate and covet your prayers.

I'll be back -- I always am ...

Blessings,
Frannie


“It is not good for all our wishes to be filled; through sickness we recognize the value of health; through evil, the value of good; through hunger, the value of food; through exertion, the value of rest.”
Dorothy Canfield Fisher


Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 4:1

Hey, Hey! You, You!!

I'm not writing ... but people still seem to be lurking. I am thankful. Inspired really!


For once I'm not not writing because I don't have anything to say (like that makes sense - whatever ...) I haven't posted because I almost have too much to say. Too much going on.


Things have been odd, complicated. Even now, I can't seem to put them into words. Funny when I opened this, I thought I might be able to ... and now I just can't seem to form the words.


I have long tried to keep this blog *just real enough* so that you would get a glimmer of the real Frannie, but not so much that others could claim that I am invading their privacy should they discover this blog. Once upon a time, I had a different blog that was discovered .... well, if you've been around for any length of time you know that story, so I won't go into it -- but it is the reason I hedge on revealing too much about current circumstances.


What I can say ... my health continues to wane. Tests, tests and more tests. Mr. Farmer is encouraging (strongly *encouraging*) me to seek some alternative informative routes that make me uncomfortable ... they require me looking into the past and speaking to people who I would rather avoid --- for the rest of my life.

My children are growing up so quickly, some days it just takes my breath away. AngelBaby is so rapidly following in the footsteps of her older sisters that I just want to hold on tight ... and cherish her sweet cheribness ... that is when she isn't destroying things and making me CRAZY! LittleMiss has adjusted to school life and has become the social butterfly that I knew she would be. SweetiePie has decided that this is HER year ... and STEP BACK! She is out of her cocoon - and what a beautiful sight. HeartBreaker ... well, she continues to break hearts - it's her job and she takes it very seriously, I reckon she has another year or two at it before she hands the title over to SweetiePie ... ahh the life of a mother of all girls. God love 'em!

Mr. Farmer has been at his new business venture for a YEAR and all is well. I am so glad that he took it on. Although it has meant many a change for the family, I think that the long term (5 year plan) will be an absolute benefit to all!! And he is 100% happier where he is.

Did I ever mention that we finally finished our minor remodel project? Well, we did. For the most part anyway. What was supposed to take 3 months, took almost 2 years -- the final inspection took place last week and we got the final A-ok!

I don't think I am the only one -- do tell .... When ever I open my blog page - my computer crashes! Now, I thought it was because my computer was so crappy! But then I heard from someone else that it happened to them too .... anyone else??

Well, I guess I have rambled on about nothin' long enough ... I hope that March is treatin' y'all better than February!!!

Hugs,

Frannie

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
Maria Robinson

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 1 Corinthians 3:3

repeating myself

it seems to be my *mode* these days.

I do it at home - with the children.
With the husband.

I do it with everysingleeffindoctor I see.

at church, in the grocery store, on the play ground, at the committee meeting .... the list goes on.

it isn't as if my story changes.

I mean the repeating with the children is one thing -- I said no. Stop touching your sister. Do not; climb on that, cut that, throw that, bounce that, eat that .... yada, yada, yada.

Mr. Farmer ... well, you know -- I repeat a lot -- we won't even get into it here.

The other stuff has to do with the health though. and the weight. and some life changes.

The Doctors. They piss me off. I am so tired of repeating my story. My history. Come on. If I have to show up a half an hour early, fill out a 20 page form, sign all of my privary rights away -- shouldn't they take the time to read my effin' charts? I actually told my PCP this last week ... and warned him that I will walk out on the next *specialist* who asks me to tell my story.

and people (good people) are concerned. I get it. But I feel like I should just run an ad, explaining it all so that I don't have to say it over and over ... I forget who I have told what ... it doesn't help that the medications all seem to cause some sort of memory loss ... in fact even as I type this, I wonder if I have already posted all of this ... hmmm.

Wishing you the best ..

Frannie


“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”
Sophia Loren

Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror," declares the LORD. "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Jeremiah 2:12-13

Breakfast

with AngelBaby

no mayo

no bread

just straight up -- and a side of these

am I a great Mom or what?

random in 2008.

not spellchecking, fact checking, typo-ing, anythinging ... what u c is what u get.

*the other night - 2:30am; LittleMiss is is crying out Mommy, Mommy, Mommy - at first I ignore her don't hear her, but finally I awake from my slumber and go in to soothe her. She is sitting straight up in her bed (backwards), eyes wide open, shaking ... I shhushhh her and ask her what is wrong and she says I want Daddy ... gratitude.

* testing 1.2.3. continues. I have had more tests in the last few weeks than I can name. and really now i can't name them. I am in a strange fog. So far they have found a number of things wrong with with me - but none of them having to do with my initial - debilitating - problems. They keep prescribing more and more medications and each time I have to decide. each one seems valid - but all of them together ... well ... they are *all of them together* - more than I want.

* Heath Ledger. I can't not say anything. (whatever.) another death that just so tugs at my heart. I have to admit that I have been watching and waiting for Britney to go down. not that I want or hope for it ... just that it seems sort of Anna Nicole inevitable ... but dang, it is just so sad when these young people, who have SO MUCH GOING FOR THEM leave the earth so early.
It has been that sort of week around here anyway ... we have lost a few young people in our community and are left with a giant loss ... sadness, pure sadness.

* weight loss. I haven't mentioned it in a while. I can't believe it. I am now down to 135. (w.o.w.) I am fairly close to having lost 100 (yep, that is one hundred) pounds! I actually probably have, but I didn't start weighing myself until I had lost a pound or ten so ... it feels good. not as good as I thought it would but good. weight is certainly different as you get older ... it all - ummm - well, errr settles in different places than before. ok, tmi - I know .. but this is my tmi place.

* jobs. I have too many. somethin's gotta give. I don't know what. but somethin' will. not good.

* computers. I hate them. nuff said.

* AngelBaby is quickly on her way to becoming a tattoo artist. Each day she manages to find a new permanent marker and proceeds to color her entire body with it. this was especially fun at her Dr. appointment last week.

* irony. there is huge irony in the fact that the medications I take make me sleepy all day - but keep me awake all night long. what gives?

* hsm. r u familiar? we r hsm crazy at r house. we r also txt crzy which i am trying 2 figure out but can't quite. but if I hear breaking free 1 more time ... i will go n.u.t.s.

* shrunk. I shrunk. I went into the Doc. for a full on physical ... oh the joys ... and I have shrunk an entire i.n.c.h.

Frannie

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy -- to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
Jude 1:24-25

Bed Time Craziness

Unfortunately we don't do routine well in our home.
I was never one of those mothers that could keep my infant (toddler or teen, for that matter) on a strict or even moderate schedule. Not that I didn't try, a little, I just couldn't ever master it. This isn't shocking for those who know me ... I tend to be a little chaotic myself, so it is no wonder that the babies would follow suit.
Lately though, the chaos has gotten out of hand ... it all started during the Christmas break. Everyone had time off and everyone stayed up far too late - and thus slept in far too late - and maintained a vagabond schedule. Everyone just sort of grazed their way throughout the days ... eating and napping when and if they felt like it ... falling into bed at unfathomable hours.
NOT GOOD! Because we can't seem to shake it ...
Every night last week my children were wide-eyed and revved up until at least 11:30-midnight ... but we still had to get up and go to school, work or just move at 7am!

Frannie is T.i.r.e.d! and slightly disoriented and cranky ...

While AngelBaby does your typical "can I have ... another glass of water, hug, kiss, baby, different baby, story ...." or "I'm ... scared, not tired, hungry, thirsty, gonna barf ..."

LittleMiss is a different story -- she asks questions. A ton of questions ...
"Mommy ... what is 18 plus 18? why is Daddy a Daddy and you're a Mommy? Why did Daddy pay the ice cream man not to come to our house? (???) When will I be bigger? When will you be smaller? (thanks!) Who made darkness? (God, He also made Light) Why? (So we could tell day from night)Why? (hmmm ... so we could sleep at night and be active during the day) Who made God? (ah, oh, ummm .... you should ask Mrs. SundaySchoolTeacher)

In general it is all too deep for Frannie at midnight! Heck it's too deep at 9pm!

Did I mention that I am tired?

WIshing you all sweet dreams ... before midnight.

Frannie

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb


You were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession -- to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:14

Sunshine and Roses ...

Ok, maybe not.

I made it through Christmas. I wasn't a total Grinch. The kids ended up with a few gifts and CPS never stopped by to question me about AngelBaby's knife wielding adventures ...

although I have noticed that the Fed-Ex guy approaches our house with a little more caution these days.

We got snow on Christmas day, so the kids had a grand time making snow angels - in the .25 inches that accumulated (and was gone by evening).

True to form, Mr. Farmer failed to deliver fabulous gifts ... he just isn't any good at the stuff ... but it's ok because I had already ordered this beauty before Christmas - now I just have to figure out how to work it in to my wardrobe.

A big (or not) plus this season -- I managed to get through the numerous feasts without gaining any weight. I didn't lose anything (I have about 5 pounds left to reach my goal) but I didn't expect to.

We have been talking about New Years Resolutions around here. I am not going to make any, because I know that I am not likely to keep any that come immediately to mind ... Mr. Farmer, however, has 2 or 3 that he thinks he will stick to.

What about you? And big resolutions or revolutions?

I am going to take down the tree today ... funny, everyone wants to *help* put it up, but no one wants to help me take it down!

Blessings ...
Frannie


“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.”
Erma Bombeck (U.S. humorist, 1927-1996)

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

Nothin'

I've done nothin'.

Bah humbug!

Here it is the 21st ... and I haven't even started. I just can't seem to get into the mood.

Mr. Farmer and the kids put up the faux Christmas tree, but I still can't get into it.
Friends, family and neighbors have dropped by with copious amounts of cookies, candies and other treats -- and I am still not there yet.

Maybe I need to visit Santa and sit on his lap ... ask for the Christmas spirit ... hmmmm .... but that would mean a trip to the mall and I just don't have it in me. Especially not with the terrorizing AngelBaby in tow ...

She has taken her terrorizing to new levels and I am shy about even leaving the house with her ... actually I am she about staying home with her too.

Case in point; this morning I lug her upstairs and lock her in my room (I was there too!) so that I can take a shower. Now generally she just yammers on and on, occasionally flushing the toilet to SCALD MOMMY catch my attention, unrolling the toilet paper or attempting to flush the entire roll ... you know, usual toddler fun ... I digress ... this morning though, she is very quiet - I know this means trouble but I can only wash rinse and repeat so quickly - I call her name over and over, no answer ... finally I emerge from the shower, still a little soapy, and see that she is GONE. Not in the room. The door is open. Yikes.

Haphazardly I wrap a towel around me and run downstairs (we currently have NO CURTAINS, so this is NOT a pretty sight) only to find AngelBaby with a steak knife in hand attempting to open the Christmas box sent cross-country from Grandma. Scary huh?

Oh ... it gets better!

1. She is naked
2. She has stabbed at least 10-15 holes in to said box
and 3. The Fed-ex guy is standing at the door!

Yep, me in my towel ... a naked AngelBaby wielding a knife ...

Good Times ... really good times ...

Merry Christmas!

Frannie


Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~Fran Lebowitz


Arise, shine; for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you. For darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the LORD will arise upon you, and his glory will appear over you. Nations shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Lift up your eyes and look around; they all gather together, they come to you; your sons shall come from far away, and your daughters shall be carried on their nurses' arms. Then you shall see and be radiant; your heart shall thrill and rejoice, because the abundance of the sea shall be brought to you, the wealth of the nations shall come to you. A multitude of camels shall cover you, the young camels of Midian and Ephah; all those from Sheba shall come. They shall bring gold and frankincense, and shall proclaim the praise of the LORD. Isaiah 60:1-6

There's nothing there.

That is what they tell me. They don't know why.
Why so often.
Why so hard.
Why medication doesn't help.

Why me.

I am left thinking ... why doesn't *good news* fell good?
I don't have a tumor or a anything fatal.
Good new, right?
Of course.
but ...

here I am left wondering ... why. what. how. when.

There is something.
There has to be a reason why it hurts so much, so often.
Why I am unable to function at least once weekly.

More tests.

That is the pat answer. See this person, that specialist ... over there -- far away.

Or ...

try this medication and that medication - oh why not add this one ... it might help.
help dull the pain -- but not
FIX THE PROBLEM.
or even remotely identify the problem.
Try this cocktail ... then that one ... red pill, blue pill, 1/2 the pink every other Monday at noon and six ...

no.

NO!

NO!

I don't want to.
And you can't make me.

can they?
Well, of course not. But when the pain is so bad and there aren't any answers in sight ... I am left
wondering ... how.

And ... feeling like a martyr. and I hate that. I hate it because I don't want to be the person that can never truly say "I'm fine" ... I'm NOT fine. I am barely "ok" on most days. and I hate repeating myself over and over and over ... a broken record. I hate it that I want to scream at people, nice people who just want to know and reassure .. but ask questions that I can't (or won't) answer ... I want to scream NOTHING HAS CHANGED ... no answers here.

but I don't. Scream. ever.
Only in my head.

this is my blog and I won't apologize for weeping here ... because here is where I can scream ... even if just a little. I hope you understand.

Frannie


Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. Carl Sandburg

You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. Psalm 69:5-6

Testing 123, testing 123

Can you hear me now?

I hope so.

Some days I feel guilty for even thinking about keeping this blog alive ... but mostly I am looking forward to a time (10 years maybe?) when I can write when I want, what I want. On a computer that actually functions as it should ... mine continues to crash and it will likely take me an hour to pound out this post ... grrr ... ah well!

The last few weeks have been challenging. Testing really. Literally and figuratively.

My migraines have gotten worse and so have some other symptoms that I never thought to mention before. I can certainly feel for my friend TTQ who goes through such tests on a regular basis. They suck! Blown veins, loud machines, rude (abrupt) technicians, doctors who don't have enough time to sit down and talk to you. It Sucks!

On the positive side, my PCP (primary care provider) is wonderful, and pushy and aggressive and seems to actually give a damn about my health and especially my ability to function! So, at least I feel like I have an advocate on my side.

I still can't sit down very well. But the pain isn't as bad as it was ... of course that could have a little something to do with the copious amounts of medication that I can currently on ... but whatever.

I have been keeping VERY busy with my cookin' gigs. The amount I was paid last week to prepare a home cooked meal for two made me BLUSH! But, I'll take it because right now all my cookin' money is paying for all these tests ... so it is a blessing that someone is willing to pay me for something I am going to do anyway!

My girls are wonderful. They don't really know what is going on, I don't want to freak them out with all of this information until I understand what it all means ... if I ever understand what it all means.

Mr. Farmer has done pretty well too. He tends to put his head in the sand when it comes to uncomfortable issues, but this time he has had to take the lead a little more.

I have skipped around to a few of my favorite blogs and am sad to see that some of my closest blogger friends are going through rough times. I won't mention them by name ... but this is a rough season for people, so if you are a Prayin' person -- just give a shout out to all of those who are in pain this holiday season.

I want to say more, I know I have more to say .... but I am comin' up empty. Seems to happen when I actually take a moment to write -- if only I could write when my brain thinks of good posts ...

Ah well, I am wishing you all a wonderfully blesses holiday season!

Love those around you. Tell them. Show them. Take time. Embrase life. It all goes too quickly and you just can't predict what tomorrow will bring.

Love,

Frannie

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes. Charles R. Swindoll

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. Philippians 2:14-15

Aches, pains and banana milkshakes

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Right?
Well, it certainly seems to be the case for Frannie.

I seem to be on a medical decline. I have to wonder if *this* is life after 35. There always seems to be something that is hurt, broken or otherwise not working ... and I am just talkin' about this old body.

Last week I took a tumble. A fairly bad tumble. Child in arms. On the pavement.
I landed flat on my a$$. and it HURTS. A lot! I am pretty sure I cracked my tail bone .. but have been told that there is nothing they can do about if even it I did. So, I have an inflatable donut the keeps deflating (I can only image what it would be like if I hadn't lost weight -- for both the donut and the tail bone).
Of course I didn't just hurt the ole butt bone .. I also sprained my wrist and my ankle. Just call me gimpy! Seriously ... I just sorta hobble along. Driving sucks. Working at home sucks ... well at least the part where I am supposed to sit in my chair for hours on end and type.
I had to stop my daily walks because it is just too painful, which means I have gained 4 pounds, just days before a major formal event that I am to be a presenter at. (I know that doesn't sounds like much, but it is just enough to make my sassy dress a little too snug for comfort!)

I know, I know, b*tch and moan, b*tch and moan. I can't help it.

It does get better though. Really.
This morning I went in for yet another dental surgery (I think this is the 3rd in a month - 6 weeks) ... I had to sit still in the dental chair for nearly three hours - and now my mouth is throbbing ... and although I have taken the perscribed pain meds, I can hardly stand the pain. I had 4 children without pain meds ... what gives?

So I can't eat. Well I can't chew. This should mean that I have a shot a losing the 4 pounds by Saturday night ... but somehow I doubt it when all I want is Banana Milkshakes. I tried them with Fat Free Frozen Yogurt but it just isn't the same.

It's not all bad though ...

I just finished reading a good book Wish by Melina Gerosa Bellows and started another The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.

I only have two dental appointments left and then all of the bad (painful) work should be done.

I have been asked to cater 6 parties between now and new years ... and then a Valentines Day dinner. And I will actually make money on these.

AngelBaby is almost potty trained.

SweetiePie got an excellent report card.

LittleMiss is really blossoming in school.

Heartbreaker seems to be mellowing her teen angst. Just a wee bit, but I'll take it.

Mr. Farmer has been working overtime ... and while that makes it hard when I am feelin' some serious pain -- we need the serious ca$h!

I think I need a nap now ...

Frannie


My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. Erma Bombeck

I [Paul] thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you [Timothy] in my prayers. 2 Timothy 1:3