Monday, October 27, 2008

Missing in action.

I have been missing action.

I can say that it has absolutely been with good reason.

Shortly after my last redemptive post about Paying it Forward ... life came a crashing.

Just when you think things might mellow for a while ... WHAM ... you get hit between the eyes and it takes some time to see straight.

I think I am beginning to see straight. Or at least I am trying to.

I find it odd to utter the words ... I think because things like **this** aren't supposed to happen in your family - it only happens in those other dysfunctional families ...

But here it is - my brother killed himself. He is gone. I won't ever see him - in this life - again.
He leaves behind a family riddled with pain, questions, anger and blame.

I have said before that suicide is a selfish act. I haven't changed my mind there - - but I do not blame him. He did not have the strength to go on and the pain that he lived through was more than most could have endured.

At the same time - I am so flippin' mad at him for not saying goodbye. For not letting me know that we were ok. For not releasing his children from their guilt. For allowing my parents to wallow in the grief and dismay of having found his wounded body.

I don't think he intended any of that. I think he just needed out - which I understand. I just don't like it. at all.

His death has made other things seem so pointless. frivelous. It makes life cloudy for me. I am not sure what to do, where to go ... I don't know how to stop the hurt, the hurt that I am not sure I deserve to feel. Such a long story ... such rapid and brutal ending.

Don't wait to mend ways with someone you love ... it can be too late. Even if you can't have them in your life - make peace - for their sake, as well as your own.

Peace ~ Frannie

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

Help us, O God of our salvation, for the glory of thy name: and deliver us, and purge away our sins, for thy name's sake. Psalm 79:9 sake.


TTQ said...

HANG IN THERE! Life doesn't make sense somtimes..

anne said...

I am so sorry your family had to go through that. I cannot imagine. Will be praying for you.

Heather said...

Wow. I'm sorry. :(

Mrs. Bridget G. said...

I am sorry for your loss. Don't worry about blogland. It will still be here when you heal.

T's Pink Gloves said...

Oh honey, I am going to send you a private EM here in a bit but if you get this before then BIG, HUGE HUGS! I am SO sorry. You know someone once told me after a friend killed himself, "the problem with suicide is that the person who dies has no clue that their problems don't just die but dispurse into those who loved them!" He then went on to say the only way to help heal is to power through the pain of it all and face it with love. Eventually time will make the stab less but until then know that you will come out in the light!

Beth said...

oh hon....I am SO SO sorry. What can a person say at a time like that? thoughts and prayers for you...

Mackenzie1975 said...

Cyber Hug...and tears...and drinks over long talks...

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.