Monday, August 13, 2007

Busy, business,balance

I am tired.

I have bitten on far more than I can chew and I can't seem to find a way - or an appropriate place - to spit it out.

not only am I immersed in my its-summer-&-mommy-must-entertain-y'all job ... but i have also started not one but TWO work at home jobs ... as well as amped up the volunteer work that i already do ... yep, I'm nuts. thank you very much for asking! (and should i mention that i am typing right now -- at 11pm -- with a child on my lap??)

I miss blogging. i miss being able to express myself somewhere - truthfully. not like i speak so eloquently here .. but i am truthful -- not so easy to do in my current environment.

.... i am on day 3 of trying to finish this post ... it is Thursday now and i woke up in tears -- never a good thing. i am probably going to start my (.) but since my cycle is all messed up i am not certain ... but i am typing with a kid on the lap again and that doesn't help.

my kids don't start school for a few weeks yet and in theory we should be enjoying the last days of a lovely summer ... but for some reason the lovely summer skipped over us this year and we have had mostly dreary weather -- of course nothing like Texas and their Tropical Storm Erin worries .. but it is yucky for us none the less.

have you hear about the 12-Year-Old Girl who got Liposuction? Tell me that isn't nuts ...

my computer is acting up again - i have a feeling that SweetiePie has been downloading some games she should not ...

i should be working right now. i just don't wanna. i have been working all week and had one event or another to attend to this week (during the evening - so at least Mr. Farmer was home and i didn't have to take kids with me .... )

i need to find balance.

bAlaNcE... hmmm. wonder what that looks like?


Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away. Barbara De Angelis

There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves. Frank Herbert (I feel that waves and I think I am seasick! ~ Frannie)

But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. Matthew 9:13

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Fat girl mind, skinny girl body.

Do you suffer from it? Have you ever?

I wouldn't say I am skinny now ... the charts say that at under 5' 5" at 152 pounds I am slightly overweight. Now, if and when I hit 148 I will be considered healthy. Wow .. what a difference 4 pounds makes.

It has been quite a journey ... starting out the fat girl; at 230+ pounds the charts said I was Severely Obese, only one pound (one fricken pound) away from being Morbidly Obese. Well, thank heavens I put that last Pepsi down and changed my wicked ways ...

But here is the real deal ... no matter how much weight I lose, regardless of the new smaller size ... I still feel like the fat girl. I just can't help it. I still gravitate to the XXL in the store ... still look at the clothes in the window of the Big Girl Store ... even though I am officially out of the BG sizes .. it just doesn't matter ... I can't help it. I still feel big. Fat really. The mommy tummy doesn't help ... at all.

I don't know where I am going with all of this ... I do know that I have been trying to go there for well over a week - I keep coming back to this post, changing a word or two and then just saving ... (I am glad that the new Blogger automatically saves changes because I have been known to wander off and forget to save and them BLAM ... all is lost).

Anywho ... I guess where I am right now ... is that I am not in a club. Ya know? I am certainly not in the Skinny Girl Club but I have also been ostracized from the Fat Girl Club. My friends that are still in TFGC now, with fake smile intact, say things like 'hey skinny … do you even eat anymore' - or – 'she can't have that, she's on a diet'. (Like I have to prove to them I will still eat good/bad food). And if I actually decline something they act put out or try to talk me into it. They almost act as if I have betrayed them.

But I am not skinny … so it isn’t as if I can actually join that club either. How is it that a near middle-aged woman can still feel so high-schoolish?

Ok, I know I am ranting ... but this is really bugging me ... and maybe it is bugging me because I am wondering if I was like that when I was in TFGC ... I like to think not ... but misery does love company and I was a fairly miserable fat girl.


Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends. -- Cindy Lew

It's not what you do once in a while, it's what you do day in and day out that makes the difference. -- Jenny Craig

People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."
Mark 10:13-14