Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus

Up to this year I have been allowing the myth of Santa to live on in our home.
Letting the older ones know that, once they had forsaken Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. That is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year I am running into another issue ... Santa is broke. Not like Santa is runnin' lean this year, but Santa is broke as in not.sure.how.to.pay.the.mortgage.broke. Do I break it to the littles and tell them there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives?
Do I "oopppsss, Santa must have missed the Farmer house this year" ...
We have generally tried to keep the spirit of Christmas about Jesus and what He means ... and I know that we do better than some - but we always have Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am just not sure what to do.
My heart is broken. I just never thought life would get harder as I got older ... I thought I had done all of the tough stuff before. Paid my dues and all. Guess not.

Jesus is the reason for the season.
Jesus is the reason for the season.
Jesus is the reason for the season!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I cannot tell a lie

I have been avoiding the blog world lately.
Mostly because I don't want to talk about it ... all of it. The bad stuff, of which there is plenty. The good stuff, of which I seem to be searching for.
I want to retreat into myself and not come out .. which of course, I can not do with all these children and all these things call RESPONSIBILITIES. But I am making a good effort at withdrawing from life.
It isn't just the blog world that I have been avoidin' friends, family, church, work, bathing (well, just today!) Just doin' what needs to get done and that's about it.

Crap. This is NOT the post I wanted to do.
I wanted sunshine and roses ... but then I went and did the title and now I can 't seem to fabricate any good stories.

My brothers death seems to be looming over us ... me mostly but everyone seems to be holding on to it and trying to process it and yet we can't begin to understand. That is what suicide does to you. I know ... leaves so many unanswered questions. I have read all of the pamphlets - I got it down ... but I am still expecting him to come on over and tell my why. I think we all are. You simply can't move past it - unless of course you were never *there* to begin with. (I am talking about all of those who say "you should just let it go and move on" "he is in a better place" yada, yada, yada).

sunny side, sunny side, sunny side .... I am trying to get there from here.

I did my own Pay it forward this week and it felt great.
I got family pictures done before Christmas.
I got cards for the pictures to go in.
I think I have stamps. I also think they are about 5 years old since that is the last time I sent out cards .... hmmm ... what is postage now?
I now know for certain that I can rule of brain cancer - as I have had every possible test known to man. (there is still something there but we don't know what)
It has not snowed yet this year.

Ok .. that is about all of the fluff I can muster ...
still thinkin' about y'all.


Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.
1 Corinthians 12:3

Monday, October 27, 2008

Missing in action.

I have been missing action.

I can say that it has absolutely been with good reason.

Shortly after my last redemptive post about Paying it Forward ... life came a crashing.

Just when you think things might mellow for a while ... WHAM ... you get hit between the eyes and it takes some time to see straight.

I think I am beginning to see straight. Or at least I am trying to.

I find it odd to utter the words ... I think because things like **this** aren't supposed to happen in your family - it only happens in those other dysfunctional families ...

But here it is - my brother killed himself. He is gone. I won't ever see him - in this life - again.
He leaves behind a family riddled with pain, questions, anger and blame.

I have said before that suicide is a selfish act. I haven't changed my mind there - - but I do not blame him. He did not have the strength to go on and the pain that he lived through was more than most could have endured.

At the same time - I am so flippin' mad at him for not saying goodbye. For not letting me know that we were ok. For not releasing his children from their guilt. For allowing my parents to wallow in the grief and dismay of having found his wounded body.

I don't think he intended any of that. I think he just needed out - which I understand. I just don't like it. at all.

His death has made other things seem so pointless. frivelous. It makes life cloudy for me. I am not sure what to do, where to go ... I don't know how to stop the hurt, the hurt that I am not sure I deserve to feel. Such a long story ... such rapid and brutal ending.

Don't wait to mend ways with someone you love ... it can be too late. Even if you can't have them in your life - make peace - for their sake, as well as your own.

Peace ~ Frannie

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

Help us, O God of our salvation, for the glory of thy name: and deliver us, and purge away our sins, for thy name's sake. Psalm 79:9 sake.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Pay it forward

I had a really nice experience at my local Starbucks this afternoon ... I had a long, long, long week - with children spread out hither and yan, over whelmed by my non-profit gig and that job that is actually supposed to pay me ... if I actually do the necessary work ...

anywho, I digress ... nice experience - Friday morning driving around running errands and in desperate need of sleep or caffeine. Since, at that moment, sleep isn't going to happen any time soon (please note that it is now 11:15 pm and I have been up since 6am & am still not quite near sleep .. opps, digressing again), caffeine it is. Not just any caffeine - it really does have to be Starbucks with a non-fat muffin of sorts and of course, since I have AngelBaby in tow, we'll need a kids chocolate milk ...

So, rather than face the daunting task of actually taking AngelBaby into my favorite Starbucks, I drive a little out of my way to go to the Starbucks with a drive through. I pull up and order my Vente non-fat single pump pumpkin spice latte, my non-fat apple bran muffin, and AngelBaby's mini-chocolate milk. WooHoo! I can't wait.

When I pull up to say for said purchase, the barista informs me that the lady in front of me has paid for my drinks - well actually my entire purchase. Wow. I am stunned. Now, I have had this happen before, but only when I frequented a place daily and knew the other patrons - which I do not anymore ... it has been a long, long time!

So, I said 'well then I will just have to pay for the person behind me' ... which I did.

Now, I wasn't able to catch the eye of the lady in the car in front of me -- I must have spent too many seconds being stunned (I did, however, notice that her 'membership to the Country Club sticker' was prominently placed on her rear window ... but that was before she had paid for my goods) ... and I felt bad because I would have like to at least given her a sweet wave and a smile - or better yet, have AngelBaby blow her a kiss ...

But, the lady whose drinks I paid for (only $6) pulled up beside me and said 'thank you so much'. Of course we were driving, so I couldn't respond other than a smile ... but I felt bad. As if I should confess that I didn't think of it on my own -- that really, she should thank the lady with the 'membership to the Country Club sticker' in the while Volvo ...

I left feel thrilled and dishonest at the same time ...

hmmmm. Something to ponder.


The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., "Over the Teacups," 1891

He replied, "You give them something to eat." They answered, "We have only five loaves of bread and two fish--unless we go and buy food for all this crowd."
Luke 9:13

Sunday, August 31, 2008

What's up chuck?

Me. I am up. Up. Up. Up.

First I am on a new med that makes me jittery as hell, won't let me sleep and makes me feel like I have tourettes. Rather uncontrollably (is that a word?) expletives and random shouldnotbementioned things fly out of my mouth. I can mostly keep them inside, but there they are.

I am thinkin' I will be done with this med now ... I just have to convince the Doc.

I got back most of my oscopies test results. Long story short, my insides are really (really, REALLY) messed up. Thus the new medication. I don't have any specific blockage or tumors, but there is substantial damage to all those pipes and such ... and my stomach seems to be an acid pit - the Doc. said (and I quote) I have never seen that much acid in one stomach. and he even added especially for such a young healthy woman.

I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or kiss him. I mean, doesn't that sound a little ironic -- Mrs. Farmer, your inner body is unbelievably messed, but you are remarkably healthy. But, I so appreciate him saying that I am young (no not!) and that perhaps I appear healthy!

So ... onward we go.

On the plus side;
I got a CrackBerry - I love it! I was supposed to get a pink one, but they sent me silver and I would have to send it back and wait a week for the new on and ... well, I don't wanna. So they gave me a credit - and I bought a pink case. I am still trying to figure it out. I am sure I will love it more when it makes more sense to me.

So, of course I had to get a Bluetooth to go with it - it is illegal in my state to drive and chat. I still haven't synced them up, but I will tomorrow ..

Kids are heading back to school in 3 days!! It is a year of big changes for all of my girls. AngelBaby especially ... since she will be in pre-school and is the only who has never been cared for by anyone but mom. I think she'll be ok, but it will be an adjustment - for both of us.

I have been asked to cater two major Christmas gatherings and a fundraising event ... I am excited an nervous about that.

Mr. Farmer has adapted so well to his new (well a year plus) job, that he is lookin' at a promotion - which equals a much needed fat raise.

With AngelBaby starting pre-school, I am applying for a super cool coordinator job, with a local non-profit. It is only a handful of hours a month to start, but could work in to more ... I have come a long way from the Corporate World gal that I was ...

It's good though.

Obviously I have completely sucked at blogging the last few months. I am going to try to catch up and blog once a week ... if anything exciting comes along ...

I wish you well and ask that you check in on TTQ, who has a whole lotta stuff goin' on these days.

Be safe tomorrow.


If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.Proverbs 16:31-33

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Bittersweet Farewell

If you have been around here for any length of time, you might know that I have had a number of friends (and family) move in recent years.

To be accurate, I would say that ALL of my close friends and family members have moved on.

Each one for a better reason than the last.

Each one more painful than the one before them.

This week my bestest (a LittleMiss word) friend moved. Far, far, far away. There will be no visits to her new place with out a passport and a month long sabbatical. She has taken her family on an mission for an indefinite amount of time ... a minimum of three years but they are committed to ten or more if that is what they feel called to do.

I admire her faith in the knowledge that she is doing the right thing. She has a clear mind and conscience that this is where she is supposed to be and doesn't doubt herself for a minute.

Heck, I doubt myself when I take the girls in for an extreme haircut.

But, I digress ...

She is really the final friend that I had left in my sleepy little town. Not that I don't know other ladies who I can sorta relate to - but she is the last one who has my story, and still loves me. She knows all the dirt. She has seen me breakdown, she has seen me rejoice in the smallest accomplishments and has held me tight when I have come unraveled. She has called me on my BS and praised me for things that didn't seem praise worthy to me. She has been a trueblue-oktocallinthemiddleofthenight - lovesmenomatterwhat - seenmemorethanalittletipsy - checkedmyheadfor*icky**icky*thingsafterareallybadcampingtrip - broughtmefoodafterthebirthofmybabies - helpedmebreastfeedthosebabiesandNEVERmadefunofmydroopyboobs - mademeseetheneedtogiveMr.Farmermoregrace - and always, always, always told me the truth, even when it hurt -BFF. And I am going to miss her so much.

And everyone says you can call, write, email, video conference ... yada, yada, yada. But I know it is not the same. I know because I have tried to keep up with the ones before her. And you do - for a while and then they get settled, meet new people and move on with life. I will make new friends, continue to live my life and think of her daily bit run out of time to send that card, make that call or plan that elusive trip.

She'll be back for short visits and it will be grand - I know this. But I also know that it will never, ever be the same. There will be details about her life that will slip through the cracks, things that I no longer instinctively know about her. New friends that I will be jealous of. New journeys and adventures - that I will also be envious of. A new language learned. New cooking skills. Different clothing worn. A different family scent. New, new, new. Different, different, different.

And yet, in some ways I know that we will pick up right where we left off. I know that I will never stop loving her. I will always consider her my BFF, even if I don't see her for ten years.

Today though, I am sad. I feel a great loss. I am also excited for her and can't wait to hear all about her journey!


Friends... They cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams.-- Henry David Thoreau.

For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:3-4

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

A month and two days

It seems that I can't find the time to post. My head is filled with subject matter on a daily basis, but available time eludes me.

The past month has gone by in such a rapid pace that I can hardly catch my breath.

School has ended and my girls are here - making chaos and cooking up a storm. Yep, no sports nuts for Frannie -- my girls wanna cook all summer. Well, LittleMiss wants to paint water colors as well, but mostly they cook. I can't complain - except when they don't clean up.

We have made it through the *oscopies* -- and no, we don't know what is wrong ... more tests to follow.

We attended a concert, a wedding and went camping. All of which were amazingly terrific. We danced in a sun covered field to a bluegrass band ... WOW!

We spent the 4th of July out on the water, watching hundreds of fire works whiz by - and we didn't have to light a single one. The girls were a wee bit disappointed that they didn't get to have sparklers but they got over it when we broke out the S'MORES and the Jiffy Pop.

This week SweetiePie is off to a two-week camp. I am prayin' for her, cause this is the first time she will be gone over night that long! But she is with a great group and I know that she will be well cared for - and she will make life long friends!

HeartBreaker is actually at camp most of the summer -- a CCIT (Camp Counselor in Training!) - next year they will actually pay her to come to camp. WooHoo! Of course by then I am sure that LittleMiss will want to go to camp and there goes any financial savings Mr. Farmer was hoping for.

I have been cookin' up a storm. Bridal showers and weddings galore. I am LOVIN' it. and stressin' a little bit too - but mostly lovin' it. I really prefer the Bridal shower over doing a wedding ... the stakes are just too high!

We have some good friends that are movin' far (far, far) away in the next month, so we are trying to spend as much time with them as we can. And we have some family comin' to the area as well. So summer is going to be busy for us -- and then before we know it - school will start again .. and I will officially have one in preschool, one in elementary, one in Jr. High and one in Sr. High school. WOW! ouch!

Signing off for now ...

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time” John Lubbock (English Biologist and Politician, 1834-1913)

“I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.” (Psalm 138:2)

Thursday, June 05, 2008

fasting and cranky

I'm fasting today. again. and it sucks. again.

clear liquids; tea, water, Gatorade, Jell-o (can not be red, blue or purple), bullion, Popsicle's or fruit juice with no pulp - such as apple, white grape and lemonade ... first off, I hate apple juice - always have, I think it is too sweet for me. White grape, same story. And lemonade, why oh why would I drink lemonade on an empty acid filled stomach. Ouch.

I don't care for Popsicles either ... the sweet thing again. Ditto on the Gatorade.

So it will be water, tea and Jell-O. Maybe some chicken bullion later ... but I don't know if I can stomach it.

I am cranky.

Not just because of the fasting, though it doesn't help, but because I have a raging migraine and usually I can rely on a saltine diet to help me ease the quease ... but not today. And while I can still take my migraine meds, I must sleep when I take them and AngelBaby is in fighting form today, plus I have to drink 8 ounces of water every hour on the hour ... so there is no rest for the wicked.

And ... do you really need more? ... I have to fast until my test at 4pm tomorrow. Seriously don't these people work in the morning? Did I mention that I could only eat a minimal diet yesterday? Really great stuff like cream of wheat and eggs - with no salt or pepper, thank you very much.

Ok, Ok, I am sure you are thrilled to hear all of this great stuff. TMI anyone? I could go further into detail but I would blush and even though you can't see me, I always imagine you can ... I'll only add that, of course I started my (.) today - what could make things more pleasant.

Wanna come visit me ... anyone ... anyone ...


Our greatest victories are won on our knees and with empty stomachs. - Julio C. Ruibal

If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. Romans 6:5

Sunday, June 01, 2008

this and that, cake from a box

Well, one test down, three or four to go.

What did they find? Hmmm ... this and that. Nothing really conclusive. This is a word I hear so ofter (or rather its counterpart - inconclusive) that I want to scream when they use it. There are things that could be issues, but they might not be.

The prep for my next test is excruciating. and given that I already have a migraine and feel like I am going to throw up, I am fairly certain that they are going to have to postpone tomorrows test and I will have to start the prep. all over.

But ... let's move on, ok?

Friday was a big fundraising event for a group that SweetiePie belongs to. I had signed up to organize the gig long before I knew I might still be coming down from the anaesthetics. And me being me, a procrastinator and the classic over-achiever Mom, I decided that I would just do it all anyway. So ... I cooked up some good 'ole southern grub for a hundred ... turned into one hundred and fifty when a group on non-RSVPing folks showed up - dang them anyway. Of course, I happen to cook for an army when I cook, so it wasn't really an issue (after I stopped hyperventilating) and everyone was h.a.p.p.y.

The best part was the cake walk/auction. I determined that the kids needed to contribute in some way or another ... and we decided that they would all make the cakes for the auction. Too Darned Funny. and scary - some of these cakes were.not.pretty and I would not have paid money to even put one in my car, much less eat them.. And then there are those cakes that I KNOW the parents have made (which they are not supposed to -- what is the point of the kids participating if we do it for them), and then the one you KNOW came directly from the Safeway ... ooppss, there I go digressing again ... well, the cake walk/auction is a pretty competitive thing for this group - they take fundraising and cake eating very seriously in these parts ... Now of course in our house since I am making all the food myself, SweetiePie gets to make her cake from ... uhum ... a box. With frosting in a can (or whatever you call those thingies that they come in now).

But she is a superstar and made the best cake from a box with frosting from a can that a preteen could possibly make. She was proud of herself, and rightly so ... she knew that she made it on her own (ok, whatever ... from a box and a can - but hey she had to mix it right for it to look good -- and frosting a cake is a talent) ... Bidding was tough and Mr. Farmer was prepared to buy the cake at any cost ... $20, $30, $40 we were bringing that cake home. (is that as crazy as it sounds?) BUT - SweetiePie told Mr. Farmer not to buy it. She wanted to see how much money it could get with out parental persuasion. {gasp} What if no one bid ... my heart was thumping ... this could be tragic to my girls baking future.

Well, I needn't have worried. These people are c.r.a.z.y., I mean out of their heads crazy! It started out slow - $5, $10, $15, $17, $22 ... and it kept going ... and going ... and going ... her darned cake from a box, with frosting from a can, sold for $126. Crazy, I tell ya. I felt like I had just been slipped an extra twenty by a cashier not payin' attention ... should I fess up? Tell these folks that I could make them ... ummm ... I don't twenty more cakes for that price?? I was feelin' pretty sheepish at the back of the room. So far most of the cakes had gone for $40-$50 ... seems like a reasonable investment into our children's future ... but come on $126 for a cake -- not even Cheesecake.

As I sat there wondering if I should make a run for it (what kind of example would I be?) or tell the nice folks there had obviously been a mistake (an run the risk of crushing SweetiePie's fragile pre-teen ego) ... something funny started to happen on the other side of the room ... another cake (which I am certain was also made from a box, with frosting from a can) was easing up in price as well - I'll be darned if it didn't go for more than SweetiePies lovely cake ... as did the next cake, and yep - the following cake as well. Some cakes went for over two hundred dollars - two hundred dollars people ... these are the same people that decline to sponsor a child, or directly contribute to a fund ... okay, whatever, who am I to judge, really.

SweetiePie was thrilled beyond words ... and so were we since we didn't have to pay $127 for the cake that we had already purchased for under $5.99 ... and we bought one of the cakes at the beginning and ended up shelling out $40 for someone else's cake from a box, with frosting from a can. But hey it's all about the kids - and they made over $2000 from the auction alone, not to mention the monies taken in for the food that yours truly provided ...

The best part ... when we left, SweetiePie leaned over to me and said MaaMaa, these people are nuts, why didn't they just write a check in the first place? She went on to say that she was glad that she did spend some time and energy to contribute to the cause but ... it was weird how all these folks got so excited about a little bit of cake ...

Now, if I could eat today, I would be tuckin' in to my cake from a box, with frosting from a can ... since I can't I'll leave you all with a few of my favorite Erma Bombeck quotes;

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

Happy June,


"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."Matthew 6:1

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Here we go again

New and improved ... well that's what I am hoping for anyway.

This week I start a new round of testing ... the oscopies; Gastroduodenoscopy, Endoscopy, Laparoscopy ... and the dreaded.I.can.hardly.say.it Colonoscopy. Yeehaw! Am I excite? Not so much!

While I am hopeful that some concrete answers will come for all of these tests (Please Lord, don't let them all be for nothing!), the lead up to them - not to mention the prepping - has me shakin' in my boots, and more than a little grossed out! Especially that last one.

The first one takes place on Thursday -- and the sucky part is that one must fast for a minimum of 12 hours before the test ... the one on Thursday is at 4:30 in the afternoon, so that means I can't eat all day, but I must still take all of my regular medications which make me feel sick as hell if I don't eat something with them. Ahhh but I am not complaining .. ok well I am, but can you blame me?

Because my body has become fairly immune to medications - many years of strong narcotic medications - it will take a heck of a lot of anesthesia to put me under. They anticipate that it will take 36-48 to come out of my drug induced coma, which means I have had to arrange for a bevy of child care - and husband care :) because God love him, Mr. Farmer is fairly incapable of managing when Mrs. Farmer is away!

Okay, so the bonus - with all the fasting, not to mention the cleansing, I might lose a pound or two or five ... and that could put me at my goal weight (125) which I have not been able to attain - I have been plateaued at 130 for about five or six months. I am okay at this weight, given the fact that it is 105 (at least) than I used to be ... but a girls gotta have a goal, right?

Funny (sorta) story ... early last week AngelBaby had a fever, the not funny part, and when she woke up she was quite wobbly - as one can get when feverish - she tried to walk into the living room be was too shaky to make, she looked up to me and said in a pitiful voice Mama, why are my legs going backwards? She must have repeated it three or four times before I could stop holding my breath trying not to giggle and scoope her up in my arms. Maybe you had to be there, but it was highly cute and very humorous! She is better now, but whenever she doesn't feel like walking she'll say My legs are going backwards again. She is one smart cookie!

Out for now,

For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations. Isaiah 61:11

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.” Rita Rudner

Saturday, May 17, 2008


My computer finally crashed for good.

Nothing like being forced into spending money you don't have. But I must say that I am thrilled with my new computer ... it is so fast and has all of these cool new functions.

It has Window's Vista. Which I haven't used before and understand that it can be a bit ... ummm ... tempermental. But I am sure that I will figure it out.

Nothing much else has changed .. still seeing a slew of Doctors. Still not getting any answers.

Well, that isn't entirely true - I do know that I don't have a brain tumor, I don't have any allergies, nor do I have any detectable cancers ... so I do have some answers. Just not any answers that help.

We have been busy, busy, busy with year end (school) activities. The kids have so many daily activities that make my head swirl ... I can haardly keep up. Add to that my cooking schedule, volunteer schedule and daily work schedule.

We finally have a taste of summer/spring in our neck of the woods - thank goodness ... I am relishing in the warmth. And being able to plant a garden - there is nothing like your own fresh veggies. The kids love working in the garden and presenting their own carrots, beans and tomoatoes.

On of my favorite bloggers/author's is getting ready to release her newest book .. check her out, if you don't already ...

Hope your weekend is TERRIFIC.


Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. ~Albert Einstein

Thursday, May 01, 2008


that is who I am here - on this blog.

I chose it. I know. Very intentionally.

Because I had to. Because once upon a time I had a blog where I spoke more freely about my Real Life, my family and all that it entailed ... and I got burned.

It happens. But it makes it hard sometimes. Especially when I forget how much I have actually said here and how much I have wanted to say -- not always the same thing.

Let me clarify - I don't lie here, I just don't talk about the things that I really want to talk about. It is all more superficial than I would like it to be. Especially right now when I have so much to say.It sort of takes away from the whole reason that I started blogging ... so that I could write, which I love. So that I could have an outlet, which I need.

The side effects of the new med are running rampant. I am a wreck. The things is, it is hard to tell what is a side effect and what is real. Am I catching a cold, or are those the flu like symptoms that they mention? Am I going to start my period, or are these the intense abdominal pains indicated? It is enough to make you crazy. Which of course, Mr Farmer thinks I am.

My anxiety level is HIGH, which makes my cranky and definitely leads to depression. Thougths of suicide ... not so much. But I can see how some might get there from here. Although I can barely hold a thought pattern together, so ....

4 more weeks, I think.

On the plus side - no weight gain, nor any weight loss. The nausea is hell, but it does keep me from pigging out.

This weekend I am spending some serious girlfriend time -- going out for drinks at a Tapa's Bar. Now of course I can't drink and I don't really know what Tapa's are, but it doesn't really matter - I am going out with friends - some I know, some I don't - and I am going to let my hair down just a little.

I hope you have something fun planned for your pre-Mother's day weekend.


You know when I feel inwardly beautiful? When I am with my girlfriends and we are having a 'goddess circle'. Jennifer Aniston

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ... Romans 5:1

Friday, April 25, 2008


Turns out the choice wasn't really mine to make. Not really anyway.

Doctor number one conversed with Doctor number two and while reviewing my insurance plan it was discovered that if I don't at least attempt to take this medication (or at least 2 medications within this class) I will not qualify for the next level of treatment. It seems that there are tiers of treatment and you must successfully attempt each tier before the insurance company will refer you to the next level. Sweet.

How do you like that?

So, I started it last week.

Here are just some of the side effects;
Dizziness/Double vision (at least half of the people get this)
Headaches Coordination problems (as if I don't already have this problem!)
Blurred vision
Irritated or runny nose
Sore throat
Abdominal pain
Back pain
Flu-like symptoms
Indigestion or heartburn
Painful menstrual cramps (hooray!)
Dry mouth
Constipation (before or after the diarrhea? just wondering ... and then hemroids?)
Chest pain
Weight loss

also less frequently are; seizures, Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unusual bruising, bleeding, liver damage, such as yellow eyes or skin (jaundice), severe muscle pain, frequent infections, hives or rash, fever, swollen lymph nodes (swollen "glands"), painful sores in or around the mouth or eyes, swelling of the lips or tongue, and again - Suicidal thinking or behavior -- hmmmm ... I wonder WHY??

I already have a bladder infection, which may or may not be related ... but hey, I am not complaining. To top it off, I had to add an additional medication - or three - to my daily list to counter the side effects of this med. 5 weeks, that's how long I need to try it, for it to be considered a fair trial.

Any wonder I am a raging Biatch? Everyone is trying to be really nice -- in the house, I mean -- but they can only walk on egg shells for so long ... and I can't blame them, it isn't easy to understand - I can't even explain anything - because there are no answers really ... and of course the meds make me so loopy that even if there were answers, I couldn't articulate. And I feel angry and frustrated inside -- part of this is a side effect, this I know -- but the part is the trapped in the system side of me ... so far I have managed not to scream the words that seem to whirl through my head ... I feel a little bit crazy at times - ok most of the time - and while I know it isn't anyone's fault and they can't do anything, I just want them to be quiet. Which of course, they can't do.

Ok, well there you go. I am managing. Trying to get through. One day at a time.

Peace ~

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

He [Jesus] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.
Romans 4:25

Friday, April 18, 2008

Weather or whether

Weather ... it's April 18th and it's snowing.

Snow. In. April.

Wrong. this is plain old wrong. At least where I come from it is. We don't generally have weather like this. And I don't care for it. I am ready to put the long sleeves away. I am ready for sandals and skimmers and a pedicure.

Whether ... whether to take the next med or not. That is question that is weighing heavily on my mind today. I have tried several. They are messin' with my abilities. Severely. It ain't pretty. But ...

I am seeking some solitude this weekend. I am going to do my best to steal away some quiet time. I am have to bribe some people. But I need some peace. It doesn't come cheap - but I think it will be worth it in the long run ... because I need to know the answer to whether ...

I started seeing a counselor of sorts. Have only gone a couple of times -- it's tough to arrange. But it has been good so far. It is hard for me to open up - to be vulnerable. Truthful. We'll see.

Snow. More snow. I can't believe it.

Happy April

Hope you are warm, where ever you are ...


Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather. ~John Ruskin

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Monday, April 14, 2008

Switching things up.

What do you think?
I got a new do.

Do you like it?

I am still working out the kinks.

But I like it ... I can't figure out how to change the color of my blog title ... but it's ok.

I had all of my tests. I am battered and bruised. Inside and out. Now I just wait and see, wait and see. ohhh the waiting is the hardest part ....

I finished my taxes last night at midnight. I was going to use the ca$h for a new computer, but I have to use it for practical things instead -- like new brakes for the big rig. Damn!

Spring break is over for the kids, back to a regular schedule ... fun, fun, fun. They are on the count down to Summer Vacation - and I can honestly say I am looking forward to it too! We have a few fun things planned for the summer - but mostly, I think I am going to take some time to enjoy my girls.

I hope you have some actual Spring in your area - I think we finally do, we have had a full week without snow, so I am going to call it good ...



It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens

I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. Philippians 3:12-13

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


I couldn't even read my own blog.
I could post, but I couldn't look at it ...
So, I took *up graded* - can you tell?
Now what?

Testing tomorrow.

I am nervous.

Really nervous.

(and I keep spelling nervous with an *e* at the end)


Tuesday, April 08, 2008


Never say never.

Started! whew.

Of course, I did. Just as soon as I broke down and took the Test - literally 45 minutes later ...

Now I am going to take some Midol and lay down with a heating pad.

Still have testing to look forward to this week.


Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. ~Erma Bombeck

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:7-8

Sunday, April 06, 2008

testing 456, testing 456

I can't say it out loud.
Not at home.
But I can say it here. Especially when there are so few people that actually visit nowadays.

I am late.

3 days.

No biggie really, right?


But I am not a generally. Never. Well ... um besides the 4 times I was knocked up, I have been late twice in my nearly 4-0 years.

So, I am freaking out.


S.e.r.i.o.u.s. meds.

I am on a ton of them.

Seven, eight. Something like that. Those are the dailies. Not the ones I take when things are really bad.

I go in for a slew of blood work on Thursday (completely unrelated to lateness) and an ultrasound (also unrelated - I guess that is obvious, since I can't say it out loud) ... I think I will just wait it out and let it be discovered if there is anything to be discovered.

The funny thing is - of course - that since I have been so sick, the conjugal visits have been exceedingly minimal the last 6 months ... and I know this one was an early morning adventure snuck in by Mr. Farmer - I'm not even certain that I was fully awake and I know I went back to sleep ... we don't use BC because of my migraines and because we had trouble conceiving when we tried to ...

OK, now that I said it out load, I am certain that I can feel the cramps coming on ... and that the flow will begin at anytime ... and I will be back to delete this post.

Happy Sunday!


Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is to small to be made into a burden.
~Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." Galatians 4:

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


It's not you. It's me.
I am neglecting everything these days. Some things I neglect on purpose - I just don't want to deal with my mother, or that friend who isn't really a friend ... and other things aren't so intentional - like this blog.
I think I am down to like 12-15 hits a week. Yikes. Ego crash. Oh well.
The problem is that I have so much going on that I want to talk about, but I can't. Not and totally blow my *cover* ... which I have worked hard for. And until I can settle everything down (when the hell will that be anyway?) I just don't know how to write here ... because all of the stuff that is really going on just seeps into the words that I am trying to say.
There have been a hand full of blessings ... and more than a hand full of hardships.
We're coping.
We always do.
I can say that Frannie has been sick - really sick - which has cause great financial strain on the Farmer household and I am fAreaKeD out . So if you happen to be a prayer - I would appreciate and covet your prayers.

I'll be back -- I always am ...


“It is not good for all our wishes to be filled; through sickness we recognize the value of health; through evil, the value of good; through hunger, the value of food; through exertion, the value of rest.”
Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 4:1

Monday, March 03, 2008

Hey, Hey! You, You!!

I'm not writing ... but people still seem to be lurking. I am thankful. Inspired really!

For once I'm not not writing because I don't have anything to say (like that makes sense - whatever ...) I haven't posted because I almost have too much to say. Too much going on.

Things have been odd, complicated. Even now, I can't seem to put them into words. Funny when I opened this, I thought I might be able to ... and now I just can't seem to form the words.

I have long tried to keep this blog *just real enough* so that you would get a glimmer of the real Frannie, but not so much that others could claim that I am invading their privacy should they discover this blog. Once upon a time, I had a different blog that was discovered .... well, if you've been around for any length of time you know that story, so I won't go into it -- but it is the reason I hedge on revealing too much about current circumstances.

What I can say ... my health continues to wane. Tests, tests and more tests. Mr. Farmer is encouraging (strongly *encouraging*) me to seek some alternative informative routes that make me uncomfortable ... they require me looking into the past and speaking to people who I would rather avoid --- for the rest of my life.

My children are growing up so quickly, some days it just takes my breath away. AngelBaby is so rapidly following in the footsteps of her older sisters that I just want to hold on tight ... and cherish her sweet cheribness ... that is when she isn't destroying things and making me CRAZY! LittleMiss has adjusted to school life and has become the social butterfly that I knew she would be. SweetiePie has decided that this is HER year ... and STEP BACK! She is out of her cocoon - and what a beautiful sight. HeartBreaker ... well, she continues to break hearts - it's her job and she takes it very seriously, I reckon she has another year or two at it before she hands the title over to SweetiePie ... ahh the life of a mother of all girls. God love 'em!
Mr. Farmer has been at his new business venture for a YEAR and all is well. I am so glad that he took it on. Although it has meant many a change for the family, I think that the long term (5 year plan) will be an absolute benefit to all!! And he is 100% happier where he is.

Did I ever mention that we finally finished our minor remodel project? Well, we did. For the most part anyway. What was supposed to take 3 months, took almost 2 years -- the final inspection took place last week and we got the final A-ok!

I don't think I am the only one -- do tell .... When ever I open my blog page - my computer crashes! Now, I thought it was because my computer was so crappy! But then I heard from someone else that it happened to them too .... anyone else??

Well, I guess I have rambled on about nothin' long enough ... I hope that March is treatin' y'all better than February!!!



Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
Maria Robinson

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 1 Corinthians 3:3

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

repeating myself

it seems to be my *mode* these days.

I do it at home - with the children.
With the husband.

I do it with everysingleeffindoctor I see.

at church, in the grocery store, on the play ground, at the committee meeting .... the list goes on.

it isn't as if my story changes.

I mean the repeating with the children is one thing -- I said no. Stop touching your sister. Do not; climb on that, cut that, throw that, bounce that, eat that .... yada, yada, yada.

Mr. Farmer ... well, you know -- I repeat a lot -- we won't even get into it here.

The other stuff has to do with the health though. and the weight. and some life changes.

The Doctors. They piss me off. I am so tired of repeating my story. My history. Come on. If I have to show up a half an hour early, fill out a 20 page form, sign all of my privary rights away -- shouldn't they take the time to read my effin' charts? I actually told my PCP this last week ... and warned him that I will walk out on the next *specialist* who asks me to tell my story.

and people (good people) are concerned. I get it. But I feel like I should just run an ad, explaining it all so that I don't have to say it over and over ... I forget who I have told what ... it doesn't help that the medications all seem to cause some sort of memory loss ... in fact even as I type this, I wonder if I have already posted all of this ... hmmm.

Wishing you the best ..


“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”
Sophia Loren

Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror," declares the LORD. "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Jeremiah 2:12-13

Thursday, January 31, 2008


with AngelBaby
no mayo
no bread
just straight up -- and a side of these


am I a great Mom or what?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

random in 2008.

not spellchecking, fact checking, typo-ing, anythinging ... what u c is what u get.

*the other night - 2:30am; LittleMiss is is crying out Mommy, Mommy, Mommy - at first I ignore her don't hear her, but finally I awake from my slumber and go in to soothe her. She is sitting straight up in her bed (backwards), eyes wide open, shaking ... I shhushhh her and ask her what is wrong and she says I want Daddy ... gratitude.

* testing 1.2.3. continues. I have had more tests in the last few weeks than I can name. and really now i can't name them. I am in a strange fog. So far they have found a number of things wrong with with me - but none of them having to do with my initial - debilitating - problems. They keep prescribing more and more medications and each time I have to decide. each one seems valid - but all of them together ... well ... they are *all of them together* - more than I want.

* Heath Ledger. I can't not say anything. (whatever.) another death that just so tugs at my heart. I have to admit that I have been watching and waiting for Britney to go down. not that I want or hope for it ... just that it seems sort of Anna Nicole inevitable ... but dang, it is just so sad when these young people, who have SO MUCH GOING FOR THEM leave the earth so early.
It has been that sort of week around here anyway ... we have lost a few young people in our community and are left with a giant loss ... sadness, pure sadness.

* weight loss. I haven't mentioned it in a while. I can't believe it. I am now down to 135. (w.o.w.) I am fairly close to having lost 100 (yep, that is one hundred) pounds! I actually probably have, but I didn't start weighing myself until I had lost a pound or ten so ... it feels good. not as good as I thought it would but good. weight is certainly different as you get older ... it all - ummm - well, errr settles in different places than before. ok, tmi - I know .. but this is my tmi place.

* jobs. I have too many. somethin's gotta give. I don't know what. but somethin' will. not good.

* computers. I hate them. nuff said.

* AngelBaby is quickly on her way to becoming a tattoo artist. Each day she manages to find a new permanent marker and proceeds to color her entire body with it. this was especially fun at her Dr. appointment last week.

* irony. there is huge irony in the fact that the medications I take make me sleepy all day - but keep me awake all night long. what gives?

* hsm. r u familiar? we r hsm crazy at r house. we r also txt crzy which i am trying 2 figure out but can't quite. but if I hear breaking free 1 more time ... i will go n.u.t.s.

* shrunk. I shrunk. I went into the Doc. for a full on physical ... oh the joys ... and I have shrunk an entire i.n.c.h.


To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy -- to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
Jude 1:24-25

Monday, January 14, 2008

Bed Time Craziness

Unfortunately we don't do routine well in our home.
I was never one of those mothers that could keep my infant (toddler or teen, for that matter) on a strict or even moderate schedule. Not that I didn't try, a little, I just couldn't ever master it. This isn't shocking for those who know me ... I tend to be a little chaotic myself, so it is no wonder that the babies would follow suit.
Lately though, the chaos has gotten out of hand ... it all started during the Christmas break. Everyone had time off and everyone stayed up far too late - and thus slept in far too late - and maintained a vagabond schedule. Everyone just sort of grazed their way throughout the days ... eating and napping when and if they felt like it ... falling into bed at unfathomable hours.
NOT GOOD! Because we can't seem to shake it ...
Every night last week my children were wide-eyed and revved up until at least 11:30-midnight ... but we still had to get up and go to school, work or just move at 7am!

Frannie is T.i.r.e.d! and slightly disoriented and cranky ...

While AngelBaby does your typical "can I have ... another glass of water, hug, kiss, baby, different baby, story ...." or "I'm ... scared, not tired, hungry, thirsty, gonna barf ..."

LittleMiss is a different story -- she asks questions. A ton of questions ...
"Mommy ... what is 18 plus 18? why is Daddy a Daddy and you're a Mommy? Why did Daddy pay the ice cream man not to come to our house? (???) When will I be bigger? When will you be smaller? (thanks!) Who made darkness? (God, He also made Light) Why? (So we could tell day from night)Why? (hmmm ... so we could sleep at night and be active during the day) Who made God? (ah, oh, ummm .... you should ask Mrs. SundaySchoolTeacher)

In general it is all too deep for Frannie at midnight! Heck it's too deep at 9pm!

Did I mention that I am tired?

WIshing you all sweet dreams ... before midnight.


A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. ~Irish Proverb

You were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession -- to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:14