Monday, May 18, 2009

in a blurr

I am living in a blurr ... a bubble. I keep trying to write, the words don't come. I can't seem to put them side by side. makes blog postings sort of rough.
Many medical changes recently - meds, meds, meds. No sleep. too much sleep.


We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.
Philippians 1:19

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Seek and find

I came across his name quite by accident. I wasn't doing the standard "google" search, I have done it many times before ... admit it, you have too.
This time, however, it was innocent. His name presented to me via a random friend friending.
That didn't stop the stomach flip in seeing his name again. RIGHT THERE.
We all ponder them, every now and then. Maybe when we are feeling our best - "look at me now" or our worst "would it have been different?"
How is that, some twenty years later, I still stop and think of him in the "what could have been" way? I wouldn't change life really, but he is one of two who cause me to reevaluate the current. He didn't break my heart, he said I broke his ... I'm not sure that is true. He was sweet, kind, adoring. And a huge flirt. And super cute, which caused me great insecurities. He was young and immature. He had a child from another relationship. He had responsibilities, but wasn't responsible.
I can still see his face and feel his hand in mine. I can recall his tears and pleading looks. I can feel the ache in making a choice. A choice that turned bad ... but would it have been any different with us?
Is it wrong to look back?
I had my hand on the "be my friend" button. It would be that easy. To catch up. To find out. To ...
Then I read. Married - good! Kids - good. married, kids, married, kids. Hmmm, me too.
I searched her page. Read her comments. Looking for signs. Of happiness? or ...She looks sweet. really. I am sure she loves him. And he, her. How would she feel if I became his friend. Would it matter? Does she even know about me? How vain to think she might. Why would he mention me? It seemed important at the time ... a few years later, maybe it wasn't.
I still run into the first girl he dated after us. She still hates me. She will follow me slyly through the market .. I can feel her, checking me out ... creepy. She isn't over him either. Do we ever get over them, really. Is it normal to wonder? Normal for her to wonder what happened to the girl who kept him from giving his heart?
What is normal, anyway?
So, I clicked cancel. We don't need to be friends. It is enough to know he has a life and imagine him happy.
Sometimes innocent things become not so, it isn't worth the chance is it?

Monday, April 06, 2009

On the fence

I'm about to hit a milestone.

One of those that appeared to be so old when you were young. One we couldn't really imagine reaching ... however, knowing that when we did life would be fab ... complete, easy, maybe predictable.

What I know today - NOT SO MUCH.
Life isn't very different now than it was back when 30, 40, 50 was way OLD.
Happiness comes in a different packages, shiny bows ... Sorrows reach a bit farther down to in the soul, tears flow a little more freely. Mostly, things are much the same.

In my mind I never quite fit in as a kid. Or as a teen. Imagine my sadness when I didn't quite seem to measure up as a adult.

I recall so clearly being the girl who lived in an apartment. My clothes most frequently came from K-Mart. Every now and then I might talk my way into some designer duds (remember MEMBERS ONLY jackets?!? or Esprit Jeans), they just didn't fit me the way they fit everyone else. I attempted the hair cuts (the Dorothy Hamill, the bad perm, the bleached blond) - none of them were pretty on me.

I made attempts at funny, sarcastic, tough, tender ... I was just never witty enough to succeed at these. I wasn't even moderately intelligent. I was not pretty, but I wasn't hideous. I was so-so.

So I sat on the fence. right in the middle. Not quite fitting into to any clique. Never quite comfortable enough to hang out with the popular kids, and certainly not bad enough to hang with the rebels.

I'm sure there were a lot of us on the fence ... we just didn't find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Hmmm ... sitting on the fence as a kid must have been the pre cursor to my fence sitting in my quest for Christ ... I sort of sat waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was enough for His love.

It took so long to discover that I was enough.
Just the way I was.
Maybe if I had known as a kid, a young adult ... I would have sat less and lived more. I could have made friends and memories.

I went to a party this weekend ... meeting up some of the folks that I grew up with ... well I grew up around them. Sitting on the fence - observing them. Wondering how I could be like them. How could they have it so together.
I was nervous ... beyond nervous to enter this domain. How would I possibly fit in? Obviously, they would all be far more successful than I. Certainly, they must have it way more together than I do. They absolutely must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then. And I would still be the girl who lived in an apartment.

It was almost too much. I almost backed out. I had a headache ... a good excuse. But I went ... off into the night, as glamed as I could get with out looking tacky (Lord, please help me!). My hubby said have fun. The kids said you look pretty Mommy ... it was enough. I have the everyone on my side that really matters.

How did it go?

I sat on the fence.

Between two groups.

Those who know me as I am - and think I am ok. They came to a party that they weren't really a part of, they pushed me out of my chair and said go say "HEY" ... even though that meant I was abandoning them.

And those who knew the girl who lived in an apartment. .Those who were interested in what I had to say. Who quickly admitted that they DID NOT have it all together. Who seemed to accept me and never once mentioned the apartment.

At each table, I was enough ... it was good. Life is Good. Not what I expected. But good.


I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick: but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment. ~ Ezekiel 34:16

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Houston, we have a problem

Hi! My name is Frannie and I am an addict.
I must admit that I am easily addicted. Not so much to sex, drugs or other such vises ... but to Internet Fads! I seem to switch through them quicker than I can change my hair-style, and Mr. Farmer can attest that this is quite often. But one new hope generally equates to another being tossed to the wind and rapidly forgotten!
Enter Take Facebook vs. Blogging.
This new (ok, I know it isn't new new) Internet Fad has almost taken over my every waking hour ... yes, I take a breather to shower, feed the livestock and the youngin's but you can bet that I am thinkin' about the happenings on Facebook when I am not actually hittin' the *refresh* button every few minutes.
While I am contemplating the necessities of life I just can't help but wonder;
who tagged me in photo
is *this* a Facebook moment
who might have written on my wall
did some one request/accept my friendship
if someone sent me a box of chocolates
or changed their status from single to in a relationship but it's complicated
or maybe even danced with my cute little avatar on YoVille
and don't forget I may have been invited to an event I may or may not physically be able to attend.

Come on -- the the possibilities are boundless, the adventures are vast ... I can not possibly be asked to give this up. Can I?

Do any of my Blogger friends have such issues? Such *addictions*?
MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, Wikipedia , Blogger, Twitter (I sooo don't get Twitter.)
Am I a lone addict? Should I seek help? I don't honestly think I have a problem ... I can stop any time I want, I am not hurting anyone.

Happy New Year


Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13:24

15 Signs You're Addicted To Facebook ( UK)
1. Work has become a nice break from Facebook, rather than the other way around.
2. When you're not on Facebook, you're trawling the internet for a new job as you're convinced you'll be sacked for excessive Facebooking very soon.
3. The first thing you think when you are fired for excessive Facebooking is, 'Great, now I can spend more time on Facebook.'
4. You've become a Facebook pusher. "Try it once, you'll love it..." you say to networking virgins.
5. You obsessively check your friends'/ex-boyfriends'/total strangers' list of friends to see if they have more than you do. And if they do...
6. become a friend thief. Who cares if you don't know them? All's fair in love and Facebook war...
7. The last time you had any intimate contact was when you were 'poked' by some guy you haven't seen for two years. Actual sex is so last century...
8. You realise you've spent the last hour looking of photos of someone you don't even know
9. When it comes to meeting people, if they're not 'on' they're not worth bothering with. Who needs real friends when you're trying to reach the elusive 150 mark with your virtual ones?
10. You forget your best friend's birthday but you figure she'll be perfectly happy if you 'gift' her a cocktail and a Happy Birthday balloon.
11. You've had three group invites this morning but seem to be having yet another quiet night in tonight.
12. You turn down a night out at the pub quiz to play Scrabulous. It's a game, you're playing it with a friend and having a drink while you do it. What's the difference?
13. When it comes to solving real-life problems, your Magic 8 Ball application has made decision-making easy. So what if you were in love with the guy it told you to dump? Plenty more fish in the Facebook sea...
14. You haven't had a food fight for ten years but now your day isn't complete until you've thrown something at a friend. It's a sign of affection, you know.
15. You're dreading your holiday because you can't face going cold turkey.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus

Up to this year I have been allowing the myth of Santa to live on in our home.
Letting the older ones know that, once they had forsaken Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. That is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year I am running into another issue ... Santa is broke. Not like Santa is runnin' lean this year, but Santa is broke as in Do I break it to the littles and tell them there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives?
Do I "oopppsss, Santa must have missed the Farmer house this year" ...
We have generally tried to keep the spirit of Christmas about Jesus and what He means ... and I know that we do better than some - but we always have Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am just not sure what to do.
My heart is broken. I just never thought life would get harder as I got older ... I thought I had done all of the tough stuff before. Paid my dues and all. Guess not.

Jesus is the reason for the season.
Jesus is the reason for the season.
Jesus is the reason for the season!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I cannot tell a lie

I have been avoiding the blog world lately.
Mostly because I don't want to talk about it ... all of it. The bad stuff, of which there is plenty. The good stuff, of which I seem to be searching for.
I want to retreat into myself and not come out .. which of course, I can not do with all these children and all these things call RESPONSIBILITIES. But I am making a good effort at withdrawing from life.
It isn't just the blog world that I have been avoidin' friends, family, church, work, bathing (well, just today!) Just doin' what needs to get done and that's about it.

Crap. This is NOT the post I wanted to do.
I wanted sunshine and roses ... but then I went and did the title and now I can 't seem to fabricate any good stories.

My brothers death seems to be looming over us ... me mostly but everyone seems to be holding on to it and trying to process it and yet we can't begin to understand. That is what suicide does to you. I know ... leaves so many unanswered questions. I have read all of the pamphlets - I got it down ... but I am still expecting him to come on over and tell my why. I think we all are. You simply can't move past it - unless of course you were never *there* to begin with. (I am talking about all of those who say "you should just let it go and move on" "he is in a better place" yada, yada, yada).

sunny side, sunny side, sunny side .... I am trying to get there from here.

I did my own Pay it forward this week and it felt great.
I got family pictures done before Christmas.
I got cards for the pictures to go in.
I think I have stamps. I also think they are about 5 years old since that is the last time I sent out cards .... hmmm ... what is postage now?
I now know for certain that I can rule of brain cancer - as I have had every possible test known to man. (there is still something there but we don't know what)
It has not snowed yet this year.

Ok .. that is about all of the fluff I can muster ...
still thinkin' about y'all.


Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.
1 Corinthians 12:3

Monday, October 27, 2008

Missing in action.

I have been missing action.

I can say that it has absolutely been with good reason.

Shortly after my last redemptive post about Paying it Forward ... life came a crashing.

Just when you think things might mellow for a while ... WHAM ... you get hit between the eyes and it takes some time to see straight.

I think I am beginning to see straight. Or at least I am trying to.

I find it odd to utter the words ... I think because things like **this** aren't supposed to happen in your family - it only happens in those other dysfunctional families ...

But here it is - my brother killed himself. He is gone. I won't ever see him - in this life - again.
He leaves behind a family riddled with pain, questions, anger and blame.

I have said before that suicide is a selfish act. I haven't changed my mind there - - but I do not blame him. He did not have the strength to go on and the pain that he lived through was more than most could have endured.

At the same time - I am so flippin' mad at him for not saying goodbye. For not letting me know that we were ok. For not releasing his children from their guilt. For allowing my parents to wallow in the grief and dismay of having found his wounded body.

I don't think he intended any of that. I think he just needed out - which I understand. I just don't like it. at all.

His death has made other things seem so pointless. frivelous. It makes life cloudy for me. I am not sure what to do, where to go ... I don't know how to stop the hurt, the hurt that I am not sure I deserve to feel. Such a long story ... such rapid and brutal ending.

Don't wait to mend ways with someone you love ... it can be too late. Even if you can't have them in your life - make peace - for their sake, as well as your own.

Peace ~ Frannie

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

Help us, O God of our salvation, for the glory of thy name: and deliver us, and purge away our sins, for thy name's sake. Psalm 79:9 sake.