Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus

Up to this year I have been allowing the myth of Santa to live on in our home.
Letting the older ones know that, once they had forsaken Santa - Santa would no longer bestow gifts upon them. That is; if they ruin it for the little ones by speaking up, their gift allotment would diminish slightly (or more).
This year I am running into another issue ... Santa is broke. Not like Santa is runnin' lean this year, but Santa is broke as in not.sure.how.to.pay.the.mortgage.broke. Do I break it to the littles and tell them there is no Santa and the only gifts a comin' will be from friends and relatives?
Do I "oopppsss, Santa must have missed the Farmer house this year" ...
We have generally tried to keep the spirit of Christmas about Jesus and what He means ... and I know that we do better than some - but we always have Santa gifts on Christmas morning ... even when times were lean.
I am just not sure what to do.
My heart is broken. I just never thought life would get harder as I got older ... I thought I had done all of the tough stuff before. Paid my dues and all. Guess not.

Jesus is the reason for the season.
Jesus is the reason for the season.
Jesus is the reason for the season!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I cannot tell a lie

I have been avoiding the blog world lately.
Mostly because I don't want to talk about it ... all of it. The bad stuff, of which there is plenty. The good stuff, of which I seem to be searching for.
I want to retreat into myself and not come out .. which of course, I can not do with all these children and all these things call RESPONSIBILITIES. But I am making a good effort at withdrawing from life.
It isn't just the blog world that I have been avoidin' friends, family, church, work, bathing (well, just today!) Just doin' what needs to get done and that's about it.

Crap. This is NOT the post I wanted to do.
I wanted sunshine and roses ... but then I went and did the title and now I can 't seem to fabricate any good stories.

My brothers death seems to be looming over us ... me mostly but everyone seems to be holding on to it and trying to process it and yet we can't begin to understand. That is what suicide does to you. I know ... leaves so many unanswered questions. I have read all of the pamphlets - I got it down ... but I am still expecting him to come on over and tell my why. I think we all are. You simply can't move past it - unless of course you were never *there* to begin with. (I am talking about all of those who say "you should just let it go and move on" "he is in a better place" yada, yada, yada).

sunny side, sunny side, sunny side .... I am trying to get there from here.

I did my own Pay it forward this week and it felt great.
I got family pictures done before Christmas.
I got cards for the pictures to go in.
I think I have stamps. I also think they are about 5 years old since that is the last time I sent out cards .... hmmm ... what is postage now?
I now know for certain that I can rule of brain cancer - as I have had every possible test known to man. (there is still something there but we don't know what)
It has not snowed yet this year.

Ok .. that is about all of the fluff I can muster ...
still thinkin' about y'all.


Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.
1 Corinthians 12:3