Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Seek and find

I came across his name quite by accident. I wasn't doing the standard "google" search, I have done it many times before ... admit it, you have too.
This time, however, it was innocent. His name presented to me via a random friend friending.
That didn't stop the stomach flip in seeing his name again. RIGHT THERE.
We all ponder them, every now and then. Maybe when we are feeling our best - "look at me now" or our worst "would it have been different?"
How is that, some twenty years later, I still stop and think of him in the "what could have been" way? I wouldn't change life really, but he is one of two who cause me to reevaluate the current. He didn't break my heart, he said I broke his ... I'm not sure that is true. He was sweet, kind, adoring. And a huge flirt. And super cute, which caused me great insecurities. He was young and immature. He had a child from another relationship. He had responsibilities, but wasn't responsible.
I can still see his face and feel his hand in mine. I can recall his tears and pleading looks. I can feel the ache in making a choice. A choice that turned bad ... but would it have been any different with us?
Is it wrong to look back?
I had my hand on the "be my friend" button. It would be that easy. To catch up. To find out. To ...
Then I read. Married - good! Kids - good. married, kids, married, kids. Hmmm, me too.
I searched her page. Read her comments. Looking for signs. Of happiness? or ...She looks sweet. really. I am sure she loves him. And he, her. How would she feel if I became his friend. Would it matter? Does she even know about me? How vain to think she might. Why would he mention me? It seemed important at the time ... a few years later, maybe it wasn't.
I still run into the first girl he dated after us. She still hates me. She will follow me slyly through the market .. I can feel her, checking me out ... creepy. She isn't over him either. Do we ever get over them, really. Is it normal to wonder? Normal for her to wonder what happened to the girl who kept him from giving his heart?
What is normal, anyway?
So, I clicked cancel. We don't need to be friends. It is enough to know he has a life and imagine him happy.
Sometimes innocent things become not so, it isn't worth the chance is it?

Monday, April 06, 2009

On the fence

I'm about to hit a milestone.

One of those that appeared to be so old when you were young. One we couldn't really imagine reaching ... however, knowing that when we did life would be fab ... complete, easy, maybe predictable.

What I know today - NOT SO MUCH.
Life isn't very different now than it was back when 30, 40, 50 was way OLD.
Happiness comes in a different packages, shiny bows ... Sorrows reach a bit farther down to in the soul, tears flow a little more freely. Mostly, things are much the same.

In my mind I never quite fit in as a kid. Or as a teen. Imagine my sadness when I didn't quite seem to measure up as a adult.

I recall so clearly being the girl who lived in an apartment. My clothes most frequently came from K-Mart. Every now and then I might talk my way into some designer duds (remember MEMBERS ONLY jackets?!? or Esprit Jeans), they just didn't fit me the way they fit everyone else. I attempted the hair cuts (the Dorothy Hamill, the bad perm, the bleached blond) - none of them were pretty on me.

I made attempts at funny, sarcastic, tough, tender ... I was just never witty enough to succeed at these. I wasn't even moderately intelligent. I was not pretty, but I wasn't hideous. I was so-so.

So I sat on the fence. right in the middle. Not quite fitting into to any clique. Never quite comfortable enough to hang out with the popular kids, and certainly not bad enough to hang with the rebels.

I'm sure there were a lot of us on the fence ... we just didn't find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Hmmm ... sitting on the fence as a kid must have been the pre cursor to my fence sitting in my quest for Christ ... I sort of sat waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was enough for His love.

It took so long to discover that I was enough.
Just the way I was.
Maybe if I had known as a kid, a young adult ... I would have sat less and lived more. I could have made friends and memories.

I went to a party this weekend ... meeting up some of the folks that I grew up with ... well I grew up around them. Sitting on the fence - observing them. Wondering how I could be like them. How could they have it so together.
I was nervous ... beyond nervous to enter this domain. How would I possibly fit in? Obviously, they would all be far more successful than I. Certainly, they must have it way more together than I do. They absolutely must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then. And I would still be the girl who lived in an apartment.

It was almost too much. I almost backed out. I had a headache ... a good excuse. But I went ... off into the night, as glamed as I could get with out looking tacky (Lord, please help me!). My hubby said have fun. The kids said you look pretty Mommy ... it was enough. I have the everyone on my side that really matters.

How did it go?

I sat on the fence.

Between two groups.

Those who know me as I am - and think I am ok. They came to a party that they weren't really a part of, they pushed me out of my chair and said go say "HEY" ... even though that meant I was abandoning them.

And those who knew the girl who lived in an apartment. .Those who were interested in what I had to say. Who quickly admitted that they DID NOT have it all together. Who seemed to accept me and never once mentioned the apartment.

At each table, I was enough ... it was good. Life is Good. Not what I expected. But good.


I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick: but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment. ~ Ezekiel 34:16