Tuesday, May 29, 2007
So, venture now to this morning ... nothing has changed - the head still hurts and I am tired of being stuck inside with the kids ... it is lovely outside, but the sunshine actually hurts and there must be some sort of construction near by because I can hear loud machine noises.
AngelBaby had a slight fever last night and this morning and was generally cranky ... so when she asked for a Popsicle for breakfast, who was I to deny her. Now, in my defence they are Dreyer's Fruit Bars - with REAL FRUIT. That's what the box said ....
While I was trying to settle AngelBaby down, LittleMiss was yelling (and I do mean yelling) that she wanted breakfast and could she have mumble, mumble, mumble ... which I should have known was not a good option, but I am tired of arguing so I gave her my reluctant consent.
After getting AngelBaby all set up -- it is serious work to enable a toddler to eat a popsicle (fruit bar ... whatever) with out turning everything in a 4 foot radius the same color as said popsicle -- anywho ... I get her set up with towels surrounding her and go to check on LittleMiss ...
Yea, girlfriend had completely torn into a bag of Cheetos - yep, the ones with extra cheese - which equals extra mess. Now, on the plus side; they were Baked Cheetos and it was a small bag vs. the Costco sized bag that we sometimes purchase ... However, is it just me or do they add extra of the cheese flavoring to the Baked Cheetos to make up for the lack of fat? Because I swear these are wayyyyy more orange than the regular version. hmmm.
So, there I sat ... watching one girl turn a lovely shade of red - and the other a lovely shade of orange.
I wonder how much therapy they will require when they grow up!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.-- Mark Twain
Whenever Aaron enters the Holy Place, he will bear the names of the sons of Israel over his heart on the breastpiece of decision as a continuing memorial before the LORD. Exodus 28:29
Monday, May 28, 2007
I need a nap already.
My head is spinning again and I am so
I tried a jolt of coffee and 2 Excedrin Migraine - sometimes that helps ... nope, now I just have heartburn.
Ok, some sweet stuff ...
knowing that I was in pain; AngelBaby embraced my head, kissed the top and said I make you all better MaaMaa. Yes ... much better - in my heart sweet thing!
I am listening to Down Came the Rain on CD. I could swear that Brooke Shields is speaking directly to me .. to my situation. Isn't it funny how we women can relate in so many ways. I want to call her and tell her how great her book is ...
SweetiePie just offered to make me mashed potatoes ... my comfort food.
I can not believe how spacey I am right now ...
Ok, that wasn't sweet - just true.
I cleaned house all day yesterday - it is terrific to be able to walk on the floor with bare feet.
I wonder if I could convince Mr. Farmer that house work is causing my migraines ... hmmm ...
SweetiePie is actually making pancakes .. she wants to do it on her own, I am doing my best to stay out of the kitchen - but I can smell that the pan is too hot.
I love that the blogger update auto saves my posts ... how many times have you written a post only to have it vanish into cyberspace?
I am not going to spell check this. sorry.
Thanks for the kind words about the size 12. Y'all are too sweet!
Ms. E, I am not (not, not, not) going to be getting a swim suit :) 12 is nice, but I still have too much stretchy skin -- and I refuse to look like Star Jones - ick!
I am glad to say that the 12's still fit today -- some how I expect that I am going to wake up and be in a 22 again ...
Mr. Farmer and I discussed Botox again this morning. He wants me to see where I can get it and how much it will cost. It would be so worth it if it helped the migraines.
ok, head is spinning too much. gotta lay down.
“I could never say in the morning, "I have a headache and cannot do thus and so". Headache or no headache, thus and so had to be done.” Eleanor Roosevelt
I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
That at some point I might not sound like a broken record.
Days go by too quickly.
Moments I can't record fast enough - or remember long enough.
Things seem dark, except when they aren't ... and I have a hard time distinguishing at the moment.
I have talked about anxiety here. Depression, have I mentioned it. Both are present at the moment and I am not entirely sure why.
Mr. Farmer and I have been getting along better than we have in years! His new venture is really good for him - and will be good for us eventually.
Kids are kids. They don't change too much. Thank God. They have sweet moments - there are sour ones as well. LittleMiss asks me 100 questions a minute and AngelBaby won't seem to let go of my leg, arm or whatever body part she chooses at the moment. SweetiePie is a pre-teen ... upset easily, rebounds quickly - answering the opposite of everything I (or anyone) say. HeartBreaker is busy breaking hearts - mine, theirs, everyone's ... just a fact.
I watched the Rosie/Elizabeth Showdown on Youtube. Sad. It makes me sad. So many reasons why.
I have cooked more food in the last few weeks than in entire adult life. People seem to like it - will they pay for it? That's the hard call.
Money is so tight. It sucks. I am a grown up ... thought it would be different.
I have 2 Netflix movies sitting here for almost 4 weeks. Yikes. Perhaps I should cancel - save myself $16.25 a month. Duh.
I need a vacation. A serious vacation.
My friend (the one who dogged me) and I spoke last week. It was awkward. Not the same. Maybe this is part of the reason I am feeling dark. No one to talk to about my stuff. I feel isolated ... but don't feel ready to make a new BFF and can't really still talk to the old one.
Migraines galore. Seriously ... I pray that menopause will cure them. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this pain. 2 nights ago, I laid (lay, lie ...) on the bathroom floor, trying to talk myself out of vomiting, knowing it will hurt more - AngelBaby next to me; crying that Mommy is scaring her ... Mr. Farmer sleeping - has to be up at 5 am (it's 11pm) ... he wants to fix it but he can't. Go to the Doctor he says ... somehow forgetting that I have - at least a billion times. No answers. He helped with AngelBaby eventually.
My good friend TTQ has been working on a new template for me ... I fear I am too picky for her, but she is really doing an outstanding job. Show her some love if you gotta minute!
Love This Site! Find recommendations for cool and hip items ... make suggestions ... let me know if you sign on, I would love to see what you love!
Shefinds is also a new discovery. Where to find trendy fashions - celeb handbags, jewelry, bras, makeup - you name it. Not that I buy anything but I do love to look.
I got this: for Mother's Day! I love it!
Out for now ... I should probably shower ...
The happiest people seem to be those who are producing something; the bored people are those who are consuming much and producing nothing.William Ralph Inge (1860-1954)
In faithfulness he [God] will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his law the islands will put their hope. Isaiah 42:3-4
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
It certainly hasn't been intentional. It isn't as if I have been doing nothing. But really if I had to describe what I have been doing, I am not sure I could. It is all jumbled together ... the good, the bad, the fun, the boring, the laughter and the tears.
I have often said that I am waiting in heavy anticipation for life to get normal. The longer that I live this life of mine, the more I realize this IS normal. Chaos, uncertainty, competing interests and desires ... THIS IS IT!
And that's OK!
I am OK with it. But I also know that it means that I can't do everything I want to do, I can only do everything I need to do.
So - I just had to say that ... I haven't been the greatest blogger, I haven't been the best of friends, I am N.O.T. the perfect mother, wife, volunteer. (and it's OK -- I needed to say that one more time -- to convince myself, more than to convince you ....)
Alright ... I did discover a few new/cool things the last few weeks ...
Confession: I used to be a cosmetics snob. I would only buy my cosmetics in a place where they were called cosmetics .. not makeup. Now, in general I am not a snob about anything, but I have sensitive skin that gets more sensitive as I get older ... so I take great care of what goes on my skin ...
However, since I don't have a job and our savings no longer allows me to spend the big bucks on my glamour routine, I have had to relax my standards when it comes to cosmetics and hair care!
Now I am not buying up the 472 shade of eye shadow from wet n wild (although I notice on their site they call them cosmetics as well - huh!), nor will I buy mascara from N.Y.C. or the mary-kateandashley cosmetics at Walmart - they're all with in my budget (cheap) but I still have my standards ...
While I continue to buy my foundation from Clinique, M·A·C or BeneFit which ever has the free gift with purchase (hey gotta make that buck stretch as far as I can ...), I have been buying my mascara at the local Walgreens, figuring that if L'Oreal is good enough for ScarJo, it should be good enough for me ... OK, ok, I am getting on with the story ...
Last week I was at Walgreens and needed new mascara and there on the shelf was CoverGirl - LashExact Mascara - buy one get one F.R.E.E. and I thought hey, if it's good enough for Queen Latifah, it must be good enough for me -- and it WAS buy one get one F.R.E.E. - what broke gal can pass that up? I mean, really?
And so here I am a week later - and let me tell you - I am L.O.V.I.N.G. this stuff. My lashes look so lush that even Mr. Farmer has commented on them - numerous times! It doesn't get clumpy or flaky and it washes off easily! I love it!!! Love it, love it, love it! OK -- enough there.
I will be brief with my next discovery. It isn't new - just new to me and I also love it!
Mane n Tail - yep, you read it right. This stuff is great. My hair is softer, thicker and it looks shinier. I don't care if they use it on horses ... it works for me!
I suppose I have bored you enough for a day ... Hopefully I will have better, more exciting things, to talk about soon!
Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties. -Erich Fromm
I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.-Anne Frank
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
I truly don't know what I
Hope your day is/was terrific!
Honor your father and mother.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
A mother is a person who seeing there are
Being a full-time mother is one
The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven.
~William Goldsmith Brown
A suburban mother's role is to
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child
All women become like their mothers.
When you are a mother,
Mother - that was the bank where
A man loves his sweetheart the most,
The real religion of the world comes
God could not be everywhere and
Motherhood is priced
Of God, at price no man may dare
To lessen or misunderstand.
~Helen Hunt Jackson
Biology is the least of
You don't really understand human nature
My mom is a neverending song
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Make Your Own Teriyaki Sauce
5 ounces soy sauce
2 ounces sesame oil
3 cloves of crushed garlic
1 teaspoon ginger
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1 tablespoon molasses.
Put into a bowl and serve on your favorite food.
Eggs Au Gratin
1 teaspoon butter
3/4 pound Prosciutto, chopped
8 eggs, beaten
8 ounces Monterey Jack or Pepper Jack cheese, grated
1 large tomato, chopped
3/4 cup milk
1 teaspoon fresh oregano
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Grease 9x9 baking dish.
In a sauté pan, melt butter and sauté Prosciutto until lightly browned. Drain.
In a large mixing bowl, combine Prosciutto, eggs, cheese, tomato, milk, oregano, salt and pepper. Pour into prepared pan and bake for 30 to 35 minutes or until set.
What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?-Robert Schuller
You became imitators of us and of the Lord; in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. And so you became a model to all the believers... 1 Thessalonians 1:6-7
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I said before that I think we would still both say we were good friends. I know we would. But things have changed. Irrevocable change.
She called today. I saw the number and didn't answer. Not yet prepared to tell her how I genuinely feel and also that I understand.
She left a message. I could tell that she was searching for the words. Ummm just calling to see how things are going -- and you know, well hoping you aren't upset about last week. Well, ummm call me when you get a chance.
I want to be a grown up here - we have both been grown ups in this relationship, until last week. But today just isn't the day. Maybe it is post PMS, I don't know ...
Maybe it is because I heard through the grapevine that her and her family had booked tickets on a cruise next fall -- and I didn't even know it was in the works. Why should I care? Why should I feel sad about that?
It isn't because we (my family) would have gone too, we aren't in that place. I think it has more to do with the fact that normally it would be something that we most excitedly discuss ... she would tell me her plans and I would act all jealous - but be truly glad that they were going to do something so great for them.
In this way, it is like a breakup. When you hear that he is seeing someone new and you realize that you just don't know anything about his life any more. You used to know everything ... now you are shocked by his choices, his changes; the new people he is hanging with, the new job you didn't realize he was applying for, the new hair cut, the move, whatever.
All of that and realizing that you have to start over. Reinvest. Reinvent. Allow someone to see the inner you again. Rehash all of your life's journey so that someone new can understand who you are and where you come from. Meeting someone that will only know who you are - not who you were. Perhaps that isn't a terrible thing ... but there is comfort in having someone who knows what you have been through to get where you are ... someone who gets you.
Like I said, maybe it is post PMS, I am feeling quite melancholy today ... weepy actually. Maybe it is because I knew the call would come and I hoped I would be more able to face it ... I am not usually a wimp but I just don't feel like playing this out - at the same time, I don't feel like finalizing things. Make sense?
Maybe it's because this is my 3rd (or 4th even) friendship that has sortof ended this year ... 2 moves, 1 life style choice-the cheater, and one major disagreement (not a friendship really, but a family relationship) ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Whatever. It's Tuesday - tomorrow will certainly be a different day :)
* I promise I won't spend much more time on this ... I just have to purge myself of these feelings and this seems to be the only place -- I can talk to Mr. Farmer about it but him being a guy and all, with few friends and fine with that, he just doesn't get it. I don't discuss it with the kids because they go to school w/her kids and all ... and they are already curious so .... I do apologize for boring you! *
Charity. To love human beings in so far as they are nothing. That is to love them as God does. - Simone Weil
I am happy and content because I think I am. - Alain-Rene Lesage
An exhortation to the practice of virtue.
3:1. My son, forget not my law, and let thy heart keep my commandments.
3:2. For they shall add to thee length of days, and years of life, and peace.
3:3. Let not mercy and truth leave thee, put them about thy neck, and write them in the tables of thy heart.
3:4. And thou shalt find grace, and good understanding before God and men.
3:5. Have confidence in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not upon thy own prudence.
3:6. In all thy ways think on him, and he will direct thy steps.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Do they think they are above the law? Are they seriously too cheap to get a taxi, limo, friend to bring their a$$ home.
You know Frannie is not adverse to a night out on the town - every single mother I know loves to go out and have an Appletini or four - but we also all know when it is time to hand over the keys.
Why do these people think they are any different than the rest of us? They are in the center of attention - setting the example ...
Paris Hilton Sentenced to 45 Days in Jail unfair? cruel? I don't think so.
Ray Liotta Arrested - DUI
Warren Moon gets DUI arrest in Seattle
Eve arrested for DUI.
Ty Pennington Arrested for DUI
Vivica A. Fox Arrested on DUI Charge
Gibson's DUI arrest
Nicole Richie Popped for DUI.
Rip Torn Allegedly Ripped AGAIN!
Snoop Dogg arrested after 'Tonight Show' performance.
Haley Joel Osment - I see ... blurry streets.
Busta Rhymes Arrested.
Pete Doherty arrested again.
Just a few. Some are not so shocking - Pete Doherty - while others should know better ...
It makes me furious. And I am sick of seeing it every day.
Frannie - done ranting.
Friday, May 04, 2007
I don't - look at it that way, but it could be one way to look at it.
I was heartened by the comments my last post - remarks that relate to the loss of friendship ... to the sadness of change. I was comforted to see that even the guys go through such things.
I love that some of you think I am worth hanging on to. I think I am too ... I am a good friend, a good listener ... but I am honest. I always (mostly) preface an answer by saying do you want the truth (my opinion) or do you want to hear wheat you want/need to hear?
I don't think honesty is why this particular friendship is ending. I am not even sure if I would say our friendship is ending ... I think my friend will say, when asked, that we are good friends. I would say the same. We aren't enemies. We aren't angry. We just aren't the same. Something changed.
Here are 14 comments that I have regarding your comments ...
1. I am not an angel. I can be hell on wheels some days. My migraines do, at times, cause a strain on any relationship that I have. (IE, sometimes I am less dependable because I never know when the pain will come).
2. I am a warm person. I give it my all. If I am your friend - I am your friend! I will defend you and I will take care of you! I am a nurturing friend.
3. I never, ever, ever mind new people popping in on my blog -- as long as they are nice and aren't trying to sell Viagra. :)
4. I am not sure why the end of grown up friendships hurt more that those of our childhood. Perhaps the childhood friendships just fade more easily. We anticipate their end when we go off to college, get married, travel the world - because you know think we will travel the world when we finish college!
5. I do think *closeness* is an issue for this friend. It is something that we discussed when we first became friends. She is used to people disappointing her, sometimes it is easier to cut bait before you get hurt. I have been this way (A LOT) in my life so I understand it. It just sucks to be on the receiving end.
6. I don't think she meant to be rude. I think she just didn't know how to say *it*, whatever *it* is. I know that she would never intentionally hurt LittleMiss - I think she was able to use the chaos of her life to excuse the behavior. whatever.
7. T -- don't be surprised if Frannie and co just show up in your area this summer. I have no idea how I am going to keep them all busy this summer. A road trip just might do the trick. Of course I would have to sell one of them just to pay for the gas though :O).
8.I have spoken to a few people about this subject (over the last year or so) and it seems that there are just times in our lives when relationships end. Maybe it is age. Maybe it is situational. I know a number of people that are at the almost 4-0 mark and it appears that this is a big transitional time -- marriages, jobs, children ... with the ending or beginning of these things, friendships also change - fade or vanish.
9. I just didn't think that this is what being a grown up would be like. I feel almost silly. My parents and my aunts & uncles all seem to have these core group of people that they have been friends with for eons. They vacation together. They celebrate together - and they mourn and grieve together. I guess I thought there was a magic age that you just had those types of relationships ... now I realize that not everyone has them.
10. If it were a matter of her just being a screw up - like my friend who is cheatin' on her man or another friend who has become friendlier with the white powder than people - I think it would be easier to take. It might also be easier if I hadn't revealed so much of myself.
11. Like Jag, I don't do anything lightly either. I take friendship - all relationships really - quite seriously. It takes me some time to warm up ... some time to be open about myself - my life, my pain ... I don't share my heart quickly, but when I do I mean it! That is the reason it hurts when things end.
12. My first instinct - was to wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Why do people come in and out of my life so easily? What makes me so disposable? If I was a complete b.i.t.c.h. I could understand ... If I was too mamby pamby I could understand. But I'm not. I am nice, even tempered, I don't offer advice (too much) unless I am asked ... I care deeply but I am not too mushy ... oh well. Perhaps there aren't any answers.
13. At least this time I know that I was completely honest, I tried my hardest, I didn't do anything wrong. I maintained my dignity (thank you Hilary Duff). It truly isn't me - it's her.
14. I wholeheartedly agree that God brings people into our lives for a reason - sometimes for a short time and sometimes for the long haul. There is a poem (Reason Season Lifetime) that speaks of this ...it is a good poem, so read it if you get a chance .. you probably already have - but I like it.
It is sad when relationships end. It is difficult to start over - the part I dislike the most. But I am certain that it all happens for a purpose and I know that I haven't ever had a relationship that didn't help me grow in on one way or another -- sometimes it just takes longer to realize the purpose of a particular relationship...
Blessings - and Happy Friday ...
Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.
Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. Luke 3:8
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
We are simply left wondering what happened?
I should know better by now. Really, come on, I am not a naive school girl anymore. I have been down this path a time or ten. And admittedly, it does not hurt as much this time ... but it does hurt. The ending of another grown up friendship.
I guess it hurts because each time I think this time will be different. We'll be best friends forever - just like Lucy and Ethel. Or Jennifer and Courteney - or even Oprah and Gayle ...
Well, without the fame, the cash, the cameras - of course. But we'll vacation together, we will bring our husbands, but really it will be all about what we want to do. We'll have spa days and girls only nights out ... We'll prop each other up when we're down. Be the only person to tell it like it is. Recommend great recipes, tear articles from the newspaper, trade weight loss secrets, buy each other trinkets when we are out of town.
It's like we are friend dating ... there is that, almost obsessive, need to check in daily. We talk for hours on the phone - sharing our hopes, dreams, fears ... our scars, our nasty truths ... things we would never dare share unless we knew this was forever.
hmmm. I laugh now. What is forever? In terms of friendship anyway. I know there are people who have friends for a lifetime. I am certain there is a secret to their ability to stick together forever.
I haven't discovered it yet. Heck, I haven't come close ...
Again, I have to say, this isn't how I thought it would be. I thought my friends from my 20's would be my friends always. But then we all grew apart - marriages, babies, new jobs, moves, divorces. There was a sting with each loss. An ache for what was.
In my 30's I thought I had found my forever friends - sort of like the adopted children who search for their forever families. We became each others families, when our own didn't quite measure up. But now, one by one, these friendships are fading as well. There is still a sting, an ache, with each loss. It just isn't as profound.
It could be said, and I will recognize it sooner than later, that these friendships come in and out of my life, our lives, at just the moment we need them. They serve a purpose and then vanish when life's needs change.
I didn't expect to lose this particular friendship so soon. I could feel it coming the last few months ... the canceled dates, the vague answers during conversations ... yes, I suppose I knew it was coming but like the naive teenager in love, I thought we could work it out. If I just tried harder, gave her some space ... I guess not.
This morning was confirmation of what I should have known ... I went to your door, we were supposed to have coffee and chat - kids in tow ... you weren't home. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, I waited ... LittleMiss crying because she knew this was her day to play with FancyGirl. Finally, I call your cell phone - you answer sheepishly, like you know the call is coming and will deal with it because you have to ... but ...
I know at that moment. We.are.done. You say you forgot. I know you didn't - we spoke yesterday. I hear it in your voice. I heard it yesterday too. Something in our friendship isn't working for you ... I have a guess, but that's all. I can speculate, but it doesn't change the outcome.
And although it does hurt less this time, there is still the ache for what was.
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud.- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. - Ecclesiastes
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Ever had a migraine? Ever had one that lasts for days, weeks, months?
You would think I was an expert at it by now. But alas, I am just as surprised each time I get one that just won't go away.
I have had them virtually all my life. Some times, with medication, they go away in a few hours and other times - with or with out medication - they can last for months. My longest lasted 68 days, that I kept track of ... could have been longer.
Anywho ... I know I have talked about them here before. I don't really want to dwell on it, but rather make excuses for myself - when they come and don't leave - I check out ... on life - as much as I can anyway ... because really ... I still have to be the mom, the bills still need to be paid and life does go on. I just can't focus to write a darn thing!
Ok, I'll stop with the griping ...
Even when things suck, there are a few sweet moments.
This weekend was no exception. On Saturday my girls and I just hung out together. Doin' nothin'. It was so sweet. I read a book - Catch Me If You Can by Donna Kauffman - quite steamy, I was shocked - of course I didn't put it down though ...
The day just seemed to lull along, each one of my girls taking turns hanging out with mom. They read their own books, of course, and we just cuddled on the couch. It was nice outside (for a while) so AngelBaby and I actually took a cat nap on a blanket in the back yard.
The girls ran around the back 40 in bare feet and just had a blast.
I guess I can't accurately describe the sweetness of the day ... just take my word ok, it was a great day!
I can't really say too much more. I am takin' it easy this week ... I hope.
Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain. William Faulkner
When old people speak it is not because of the sweetness of words in our mouths; it is because we see something which you do not see. Chinua Achebe
We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. 1 Thessalonians 1:2