Friday, April 25, 2008


Turns out the choice wasn't really mine to make. Not really anyway.

Doctor number one conversed with Doctor number two and while reviewing my insurance plan it was discovered that if I don't at least attempt to take this medication (or at least 2 medications within this class) I will not qualify for the next level of treatment. It seems that there are tiers of treatment and you must successfully attempt each tier before the insurance company will refer you to the next level. Sweet.

How do you like that?

So, I started it last week.

Here are just some of the side effects;
Dizziness/Double vision (at least half of the people get this)
Headaches Coordination problems (as if I don't already have this problem!)
Blurred vision
Irritated or runny nose
Sore throat
Abdominal pain
Back pain
Flu-like symptoms
Indigestion or heartburn
Painful menstrual cramps (hooray!)
Dry mouth
Constipation (before or after the diarrhea? just wondering ... and then hemroids?)
Chest pain
Weight loss

also less frequently are; seizures, Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unusual bruising, bleeding, liver damage, such as yellow eyes or skin (jaundice), severe muscle pain, frequent infections, hives or rash, fever, swollen lymph nodes (swollen "glands"), painful sores in or around the mouth or eyes, swelling of the lips or tongue, and again - Suicidal thinking or behavior -- hmmmm ... I wonder WHY??

I already have a bladder infection, which may or may not be related ... but hey, I am not complaining. To top it off, I had to add an additional medication - or three - to my daily list to counter the side effects of this med. 5 weeks, that's how long I need to try it, for it to be considered a fair trial.

Any wonder I am a raging Biatch? Everyone is trying to be really nice -- in the house, I mean -- but they can only walk on egg shells for so long ... and I can't blame them, it isn't easy to understand - I can't even explain anything - because there are no answers really ... and of course the meds make me so loopy that even if there were answers, I couldn't articulate. And I feel angry and frustrated inside -- part of this is a side effect, this I know -- but the part is the trapped in the system side of me ... so far I have managed not to scream the words that seem to whirl through my head ... I feel a little bit crazy at times - ok most of the time - and while I know it isn't anyone's fault and they can't do anything, I just want them to be quiet. Which of course, they can't do.

Ok, well there you go. I am managing. Trying to get through. One day at a time.

Peace ~

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

He [Jesus] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.
Romans 4:25

Friday, April 18, 2008

Weather or whether

Weather ... it's April 18th and it's snowing.

Snow. In. April.

Wrong. this is plain old wrong. At least where I come from it is. We don't generally have weather like this. And I don't care for it. I am ready to put the long sleeves away. I am ready for sandals and skimmers and a pedicure.

Whether ... whether to take the next med or not. That is question that is weighing heavily on my mind today. I have tried several. They are messin' with my abilities. Severely. It ain't pretty. But ...

I am seeking some solitude this weekend. I am going to do my best to steal away some quiet time. I am have to bribe some people. But I need some peace. It doesn't come cheap - but I think it will be worth it in the long run ... because I need to know the answer to whether ...

I started seeing a counselor of sorts. Have only gone a couple of times -- it's tough to arrange. But it has been good so far. It is hard for me to open up - to be vulnerable. Truthful. We'll see.

Snow. More snow. I can't believe it.

Happy April

Hope you are warm, where ever you are ...


Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather. ~John Ruskin

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Monday, April 14, 2008

Switching things up.

What do you think?
I got a new do.

Do you like it?

I am still working out the kinks.

But I like it ... I can't figure out how to change the color of my blog title ... but it's ok.

I had all of my tests. I am battered and bruised. Inside and out. Now I just wait and see, wait and see. ohhh the waiting is the hardest part ....

I finished my taxes last night at midnight. I was going to use the ca$h for a new computer, but I have to use it for practical things instead -- like new brakes for the big rig. Damn!

Spring break is over for the kids, back to a regular schedule ... fun, fun, fun. They are on the count down to Summer Vacation - and I can honestly say I am looking forward to it too! We have a few fun things planned for the summer - but mostly, I think I am going to take some time to enjoy my girls.

I hope you have some actual Spring in your area - I think we finally do, we have had a full week without snow, so I am going to call it good ...



It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens

I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. Philippians 3:12-13

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


I couldn't even read my own blog.
I could post, but I couldn't look at it ...
So, I took *up graded* - can you tell?
Now what?

Testing tomorrow.

I am nervous.

Really nervous.

(and I keep spelling nervous with an *e* at the end)


Tuesday, April 08, 2008


Never say never.

Started! whew.

Of course, I did. Just as soon as I broke down and took the Test - literally 45 minutes later ...

Now I am going to take some Midol and lay down with a heating pad.

Still have testing to look forward to this week.


Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. ~Erma Bombeck

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:7-8

Sunday, April 06, 2008

testing 456, testing 456

I can't say it out loud.
Not at home.
But I can say it here. Especially when there are so few people that actually visit nowadays.

I am late.

3 days.

No biggie really, right?


But I am not a generally. Never. Well ... um besides the 4 times I was knocked up, I have been late twice in my nearly 4-0 years.

So, I am freaking out.


S.e.r.i.o.u.s. meds.

I am on a ton of them.

Seven, eight. Something like that. Those are the dailies. Not the ones I take when things are really bad.

I go in for a slew of blood work on Thursday (completely unrelated to lateness) and an ultrasound (also unrelated - I guess that is obvious, since I can't say it out loud) ... I think I will just wait it out and let it be discovered if there is anything to be discovered.

The funny thing is - of course - that since I have been so sick, the conjugal visits have been exceedingly minimal the last 6 months ... and I know this one was an early morning adventure snuck in by Mr. Farmer - I'm not even certain that I was fully awake and I know I went back to sleep ... we don't use BC because of my migraines and because we had trouble conceiving when we tried to ...

OK, now that I said it out load, I am certain that I can feel the cramps coming on ... and that the flow will begin at anytime ... and I will be back to delete this post.

Happy Sunday!


Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is to small to be made into a burden.
~Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." Galatians 4:

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


It's not you. It's me.
I am neglecting everything these days. Some things I neglect on purpose - I just don't want to deal with my mother, or that friend who isn't really a friend ... and other things aren't so intentional - like this blog.
I think I am down to like 12-15 hits a week. Yikes. Ego crash. Oh well.
The problem is that I have so much going on that I want to talk about, but I can't. Not and totally blow my *cover* ... which I have worked hard for. And until I can settle everything down (when the hell will that be anyway?) I just don't know how to write here ... because all of the stuff that is really going on just seeps into the words that I am trying to say.
There have been a hand full of blessings ... and more than a hand full of hardships.
We're coping.
We always do.
I can say that Frannie has been sick - really sick - which has cause great financial strain on the Farmer household and I am fAreaKeD out . So if you happen to be a prayer - I would appreciate and covet your prayers.

I'll be back -- I always am ...


“It is not good for all our wishes to be filled; through sickness we recognize the value of health; through evil, the value of good; through hunger, the value of food; through exertion, the value of rest.”
Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 4:1