Monday, May 18, 2009

in a blurr

I am living in a blurr ... a bubble. I keep trying to write, the words don't come. I can't seem to put them side by side. makes blog postings sort of rough.
Many medical changes recently - meds, meds, meds. No sleep. too much sleep.


We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.
Philippians 1:19

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Seek and find

I came across his name quite by accident. I wasn't doing the standard "google" search, I have done it many times before ... admit it, you have too.
This time, however, it was innocent. His name presented to me via a random friend friending.
That didn't stop the stomach flip in seeing his name again. RIGHT THERE.
We all ponder them, every now and then. Maybe when we are feeling our best - "look at me now" or our worst "would it have been different?"
How is that, some twenty years later, I still stop and think of him in the "what could have been" way? I wouldn't change life really, but he is one of two who cause me to reevaluate the current. He didn't break my heart, he said I broke his ... I'm not sure that is true. He was sweet, kind, adoring. And a huge flirt. And super cute, which caused me great insecurities. He was young and immature. He had a child from another relationship. He had responsibilities, but wasn't responsible.
I can still see his face and feel his hand in mine. I can recall his tears and pleading looks. I can feel the ache in making a choice. A choice that turned bad ... but would it have been any different with us?
Is it wrong to look back?
I had my hand on the "be my friend" button. It would be that easy. To catch up. To find out. To ...
Then I read. Married - good! Kids - good. married, kids, married, kids. Hmmm, me too.
I searched her page. Read her comments. Looking for signs. Of happiness? or ...She looks sweet. really. I am sure she loves him. And he, her. How would she feel if I became his friend. Would it matter? Does she even know about me? How vain to think she might. Why would he mention me? It seemed important at the time ... a few years later, maybe it wasn't.
I still run into the first girl he dated after us. She still hates me. She will follow me slyly through the market .. I can feel her, checking me out ... creepy. She isn't over him either. Do we ever get over them, really. Is it normal to wonder? Normal for her to wonder what happened to the girl who kept him from giving his heart?
What is normal, anyway?
So, I clicked cancel. We don't need to be friends. It is enough to know he has a life and imagine him happy.
Sometimes innocent things become not so, it isn't worth the chance is it?

Monday, April 06, 2009

On the fence

I'm about to hit a milestone.

One of those that appeared to be so old when you were young. One we couldn't really imagine reaching ... however, knowing that when we did life would be fab ... complete, easy, maybe predictable.

What I know today - NOT SO MUCH.
Life isn't very different now than it was back when 30, 40, 50 was way OLD.
Happiness comes in a different packages, shiny bows ... Sorrows reach a bit farther down to in the soul, tears flow a little more freely. Mostly, things are much the same.

In my mind I never quite fit in as a kid. Or as a teen. Imagine my sadness when I didn't quite seem to measure up as a adult.

I recall so clearly being the girl who lived in an apartment. My clothes most frequently came from K-Mart. Every now and then I might talk my way into some designer duds (remember MEMBERS ONLY jackets?!? or Esprit Jeans), they just didn't fit me the way they fit everyone else. I attempted the hair cuts (the Dorothy Hamill, the bad perm, the bleached blond) - none of them were pretty on me.

I made attempts at funny, sarcastic, tough, tender ... I was just never witty enough to succeed at these. I wasn't even moderately intelligent. I was not pretty, but I wasn't hideous. I was so-so.

So I sat on the fence. right in the middle. Not quite fitting into to any clique. Never quite comfortable enough to hang out with the popular kids, and certainly not bad enough to hang with the rebels.

I'm sure there were a lot of us on the fence ... we just didn't find each other easily. Or at least I couldn't locate them ... and when I did, they seemed to excel to one group or the other and I was alone again.

Hmmm ... sitting on the fence as a kid must have been the pre cursor to my fence sitting in my quest for Christ ... I sort of sat waiting for Him to come to me and for things to be right. I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to seek Him. I wanted Him to come to me and let me know that I was enough for His love.

It took so long to discover that I was enough.
Just the way I was.
Maybe if I had known as a kid, a young adult ... I would have sat less and lived more. I could have made friends and memories.

I went to a party this weekend ... meeting up some of the folks that I grew up with ... well I grew up around them. Sitting on the fence - observing them. Wondering how I could be like them. How could they have it so together.
I was nervous ... beyond nervous to enter this domain. How would I possibly fit in? Obviously, they would all be far more successful than I. Certainly, they must have it way more together than I do. They absolutely must have it figured out and be settled. It must be easy for them ... how could it not be now, when it was then. And I would still be the girl who lived in an apartment.

It was almost too much. I almost backed out. I had a headache ... a good excuse. But I went ... off into the night, as glamed as I could get with out looking tacky (Lord, please help me!). My hubby said have fun. The kids said you look pretty Mommy ... it was enough. I have the everyone on my side that really matters.

How did it go?

I sat on the fence.

Between two groups.

Those who know me as I am - and think I am ok. They came to a party that they weren't really a part of, they pushed me out of my chair and said go say "HEY" ... even though that meant I was abandoning them.

And those who knew the girl who lived in an apartment. .Those who were interested in what I had to say. Who quickly admitted that they DID NOT have it all together. Who seemed to accept me and never once mentioned the apartment.

At each table, I was enough ... it was good. Life is Good. Not what I expected. But good.


I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick: but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment. ~ Ezekiel 34:16

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Houston, we have a problem

Hi! My name is Frannie and I am an addict.
I must admit that I am easily addicted. Not so much to sex, drugs or other such vises ... but to Internet Fads! I seem to switch through them quicker than I can change my hair-style, and Mr. Farmer can attest that this is quite often. But one new hope generally equates to another being tossed to the wind and rapidly forgotten!
Enter Take Facebook vs. Blogging.
This new (ok, I know it isn't new new) Internet Fad has almost taken over my every waking hour ... yes, I take a breather to shower, feed the livestock and the youngin's but you can bet that I am thinkin' about the happenings on Facebook when I am not actually hittin' the *refresh* button every few minutes.
While I am contemplating the necessities of life I just can't help but wonder;
who tagged me in photo
is *this* a Facebook moment
who might have written on my wall
did some one request/accept my friendship
if someone sent me a box of chocolates
or changed their status from single to in a relationship but it's complicated
or maybe even danced with my cute little avatar on YoVille
and don't forget I may have been invited to an event I may or may not physically be able to attend.

Come on -- the the possibilities are boundless, the adventures are vast ... I can not possibly be asked to give this up. Can I?

Do any of my Blogger friends have such issues? Such *addictions*?
MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, Wikipedia , Blogger, Twitter (I sooo don't get Twitter.)
Am I a lone addict? Should I seek help? I don't honestly think I have a problem ... I can stop any time I want, I am not hurting anyone.

Happy New Year


Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13:24

15 Signs You're Addicted To Facebook ( UK)
1. Work has become a nice break from Facebook, rather than the other way around.
2. When you're not on Facebook, you're trawling the internet for a new job as you're convinced you'll be sacked for excessive Facebooking very soon.
3. The first thing you think when you are fired for excessive Facebooking is, 'Great, now I can spend more time on Facebook.'
4. You've become a Facebook pusher. "Try it once, you'll love it..." you say to networking virgins.
5. You obsessively check your friends'/ex-boyfriends'/total strangers' list of friends to see if they have more than you do. And if they do...
6. become a friend thief. Who cares if you don't know them? All's fair in love and Facebook war...
7. The last time you had any intimate contact was when you were 'poked' by some guy you haven't seen for two years. Actual sex is so last century...
8. You realise you've spent the last hour looking of photos of someone you don't even know
9. When it comes to meeting people, if they're not 'on' they're not worth bothering with. Who needs real friends when you're trying to reach the elusive 150 mark with your virtual ones?
10. You forget your best friend's birthday but you figure she'll be perfectly happy if you 'gift' her a cocktail and a Happy Birthday balloon.
11. You've had three group invites this morning but seem to be having yet another quiet night in tonight.
12. You turn down a night out at the pub quiz to play Scrabulous. It's a game, you're playing it with a friend and having a drink while you do it. What's the difference?
13. When it comes to solving real-life problems, your Magic 8 Ball application has made decision-making easy. So what if you were in love with the guy it told you to dump? Plenty more fish in the Facebook sea...
14. You haven't had a food fight for ten years but now your day isn't complete until you've thrown something at a friend. It's a sign of affection, you know.
15. You're dreading your holiday because you can't face going cold turkey.