in a blurr

I am living in a blurr ... a bubble. I keep trying to write, the words don't come. I can't seem to put them side by side. makes blog postings sort of rough.
Many medical changes recently - meds, meds, meds. No sleep. too much sleep.
urgh.

FF

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.
— Philippians 1:19

anon-I-miss

that is who I am here - on this blog.

I chose it. I know. Very intentionally.

Because I had to. Because once upon a time I had a blog where I spoke more freely about my Real Life, my family and all that it entailed ... and I got burned.


It happens. But it makes it hard sometimes. Especially when I forget how much I have actually said here and how much I have wanted to say -- not always the same thing.


Let me clarify - I don't lie here, I just don't talk about the things that I really want to talk about. It is all more superficial than I would like it to be. Especially right now when I have so much to say.It sort of takes away from the whole reason that I started blogging ... so that I could write, which I love. So that I could have an outlet, which I need.


The side effects of the new med are running rampant. I am a wreck. The things is, it is hard to tell what is a side effect and what is real. Am I catching a cold, or are those the flu like symptoms that they mention? Am I going to start my period, or are these the intense abdominal pains indicated? It is enough to make you crazy. Which of course, Mr Farmer thinks I am.


My anxiety level is HIGH, which makes my cranky and definitely leads to depression. Thougths of suicide ... not so much. But I can see how some might get there from here. Although I can barely hold a thought pattern together, so ....


4 more weeks, I think.


On the plus side - no weight gain, nor any weight loss. The nausea is hell, but it does keep me from pigging out.

This weekend I am spending some serious girlfriend time -- going out for drinks at a Tapa's Bar. Now of course I can't drink and I don't really know what Tapa's are, but it doesn't really matter - I am going out with friends - some I know, some I don't - and I am going to let my hair down just a little.

I hope you have something fun planned for your pre-Mother's day weekend.

Peace,
Frannie

You know when I feel inwardly beautiful? When I am with my girlfriends and we are having a 'goddess circle'. Jennifer Aniston


Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ... Romans 5:1

Choices

Turns out the choice wasn't really mine to make. Not really anyway.

Doctor number one conversed with Doctor number two and while reviewing my insurance plan it was discovered that if I don't at least attempt to take this medication (or at least 2 medications within this class) I will not qualify for the next level of treatment. It seems that there are tiers of treatment and you must successfully attempt each tier before the insurance company will refer you to the next level. Sweet.

How do you like that?

So, I started it last week.

Here are just some of the side effects;
Dizziness/Double vision (at least half of the people get this)
Headaches Coordination problems (as if I don't already have this problem!)
Blurred vision
Nausea/Vomiting
Irritated or runny nose
Sore throat
Cough
Abdominal pain
Insomnia
Shakiness/tremors
Weakness
Back pain
Fatigue
Flu-like symptoms
Indigestion or heartburn
Painful menstrual cramps (hooray!)
Bronchitis
Diarrhea
Fever
Dry mouth
Constipation (before or after the diarrhea? just wondering ... and then hemroids?)
Chest pain
Weight loss

also less frequently are; seizures, Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unusual bruising, bleeding, liver damage, such as yellow eyes or skin (jaundice), severe muscle pain, frequent infections, hives or rash, fever, swollen lymph nodes (swollen "glands"), painful sores in or around the mouth or eyes, swelling of the lips or tongue, and again - Suicidal thinking or behavior -- hmmmm ... I wonder WHY??

I already have a bladder infection, which may or may not be related ... but hey, I am not complaining. To top it off, I had to add an additional medication - or three - to my daily list to counter the side effects of this med. 5 weeks, that's how long I need to try it, for it to be considered a fair trial.

Any wonder I am a raging Biatch? Everyone is trying to be really nice -- in the house, I mean -- but they can only walk on egg shells for so long ... and I can't blame them, it isn't easy to understand - I can't even explain anything - because there are no answers really ... and of course the meds make me so loopy that even if there were answers, I couldn't articulate. And I feel angry and frustrated inside -- part of this is a side effect, this I know -- but the part is the trapped in the system side of me ... so far I have managed not to scream the words that seem to whirl through my head ... I feel a little bit crazy at times - ok most of the time - and while I know it isn't anyone's fault and they can't do anything, I just want them to be quiet. Which of course, they can't do.

Ok, well there you go. I am managing. Trying to get through. One day at a time.

Peace ~
Frannie

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

He [Jesus] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.
Romans 4:25