I came across his name quite by accident. I wasn't doing the standard "google" search, I have done it many times before ... admit it, you have too.
This time, however, it was innocent. His name presented to me via a random friend friending.
That didn't stop the stomach flip in seeing his name again. RIGHT THERE.
We all ponder them, every now and then. Maybe when we are feeling our best - "look at me now" or our worst "would it have been different?"
How is that, some twenty years later, I still stop and think of him in the "what could have been" way? I wouldn't change life really, but he is one of two who cause me to reevaluate the current. He didn't break my heart, he said I broke his ... I'm not sure that is true. He was sweet, kind, adoring. And a huge flirt. And super cute, which caused me great insecurities. He was young and immature. He had a child from another relationship. He had responsibilities, but wasn't responsible.
I can still see his face and feel his hand in mine. I can recall his tears and pleading looks. I can feel the ache in making a choice. A choice that turned bad ... but would it have been any different with us?
Is it wrong to look back?
I had my hand on the "be my friend" button. It would be that easy. To catch up. To find out. To ...
Then I read. Married - good! Kids - good. married, kids, married, kids. Hmmm, me too.
I searched her page. Read her comments. Looking for signs. Of happiness? or ...She looks sweet. really. I am sure she loves him. And he, her. How would she feel if I became his friend. Would it matter? Does she even know about me? How vain to think she might. Why would he mention me? It seemed important at the time ... a few years later, maybe it wasn't.
I still run into the first girl he dated after us. She still hates me. She will follow me slyly through the market .. I can feel her, checking me out ... creepy. She isn't over him either. Do we ever get over them, really. Is it normal to wonder? Normal for her to wonder what happened to the girl who kept him from giving his heart?
What is normal, anyway?
So, I clicked cancel. We don't need to be friends. It is enough to know he has a life and imagine him happy.
Sometimes innocent things become not so, it isn't worth the chance is it?