Sunshine and Roses ...

Ok, maybe not.

I made it through Christmas. I wasn't a total Grinch. The kids ended up with a few gifts and CPS never stopped by to question me about AngelBaby's knife wielding adventures ...

although I have noticed that the Fed-Ex guy approaches our house with a little more caution these days.

We got snow on Christmas day, so the kids had a grand time making snow angels - in the .25 inches that accumulated (and was gone by evening).

True to form, Mr. Farmer failed to deliver fabulous gifts ... he just isn't any good at the stuff ... but it's ok because I had already ordered this beauty before Christmas - now I just have to figure out how to work it in to my wardrobe.

A big (or not) plus this season -- I managed to get through the numerous feasts without gaining any weight. I didn't lose anything (I have about 5 pounds left to reach my goal) but I didn't expect to.

We have been talking about New Years Resolutions around here. I am not going to make any, because I know that I am not likely to keep any that come immediately to mind ... Mr. Farmer, however, has 2 or 3 that he thinks he will stick to.

What about you? And big resolutions or revolutions?

I am going to take down the tree today ... funny, everyone wants to *help* put it up, but no one wants to help me take it down!

Blessings ...
Frannie


“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.”
Erma Bombeck (U.S. humorist, 1927-1996)

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

Nothin'

I've done nothin'.

Bah humbug!

Here it is the 21st ... and I haven't even started. I just can't seem to get into the mood.

Mr. Farmer and the kids put up the faux Christmas tree, but I still can't get into it.
Friends, family and neighbors have dropped by with copious amounts of cookies, candies and other treats -- and I am still not there yet.

Maybe I need to visit Santa and sit on his lap ... ask for the Christmas spirit ... hmmmm .... but that would mean a trip to the mall and I just don't have it in me. Especially not with the terrorizing AngelBaby in tow ...

She has taken her terrorizing to new levels and I am shy about even leaving the house with her ... actually I am she about staying home with her too.

Case in point; this morning I lug her upstairs and lock her in my room (I was there too!) so that I can take a shower. Now generally she just yammers on and on, occasionally flushing the toilet to SCALD MOMMY catch my attention, unrolling the toilet paper or attempting to flush the entire roll ... you know, usual toddler fun ... I digress ... this morning though, she is very quiet - I know this means trouble but I can only wash rinse and repeat so quickly - I call her name over and over, no answer ... finally I emerge from the shower, still a little soapy, and see that she is GONE. Not in the room. The door is open. Yikes.

Haphazardly I wrap a towel around me and run downstairs (we currently have NO CURTAINS, so this is NOT a pretty sight) only to find AngelBaby with a steak knife in hand attempting to open the Christmas box sent cross-country from Grandma. Scary huh?

Oh ... it gets better!

1. She is naked
2. She has stabbed at least 10-15 holes in to said box
and 3. The Fed-ex guy is standing at the door!

Yep, me in my towel ... a naked AngelBaby wielding a knife ...

Good Times ... really good times ...

Merry Christmas!

Frannie


Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~Fran Lebowitz


Arise, shine; for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you. For darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the LORD will arise upon you, and his glory will appear over you. Nations shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Lift up your eyes and look around; they all gather together, they come to you; your sons shall come from far away, and your daughters shall be carried on their nurses' arms. Then you shall see and be radiant; your heart shall thrill and rejoice, because the abundance of the sea shall be brought to you, the wealth of the nations shall come to you. A multitude of camels shall cover you, the young camels of Midian and Ephah; all those from Sheba shall come. They shall bring gold and frankincense, and shall proclaim the praise of the LORD. Isaiah 60:1-6

There's nothing there.

That is what they tell me. They don't know why.
Why so often.
Why so hard.
Why medication doesn't help.

Why me.

I am left thinking ... why doesn't *good news* fell good?
I don't have a tumor or a anything fatal.
Good new, right?
Of course.
but ...

here I am left wondering ... why. what. how. when.

There is something.
There has to be a reason why it hurts so much, so often.
Why I am unable to function at least once weekly.

More tests.

That is the pat answer. See this person, that specialist ... over there -- far away.

Or ...

try this medication and that medication - oh why not add this one ... it might help.
help dull the pain -- but not
FIX THE PROBLEM.
or even remotely identify the problem.
Try this cocktail ... then that one ... red pill, blue pill, 1/2 the pink every other Monday at noon and six ...

no.

NO!

NO!

I don't want to.
And you can't make me.

can they?
Well, of course not. But when the pain is so bad and there aren't any answers in sight ... I am left
wondering ... how.

And ... feeling like a martyr. and I hate that. I hate it because I don't want to be the person that can never truly say "I'm fine" ... I'm NOT fine. I am barely "ok" on most days. and I hate repeating myself over and over and over ... a broken record. I hate it that I want to scream at people, nice people who just want to know and reassure .. but ask questions that I can't (or won't) answer ... I want to scream NOTHING HAS CHANGED ... no answers here.

but I don't. Scream. ever.
Only in my head.

this is my blog and I won't apologize for weeping here ... because here is where I can scream ... even if just a little. I hope you understand.

Frannie


Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. Carl Sandburg

You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. Psalm 69:5-6