Monday, December 17, 2007

There's nothing there.

That is what they tell me. They don't know why.
Why so often.
Why so hard.
Why medication doesn't help.

Why me.

I am left thinking ... why doesn't *good news* fell good?
I don't have a tumor or a anything fatal.
Good new, right?
Of course.
but ...

here I am left wondering ... why. what. how. when.

There is something.
There has to be a reason why it hurts so much, so often.
Why I am unable to function at least once weekly.

More tests.

That is the pat answer. See this person, that specialist ... over there -- far away.

Or ...

try this medication and that medication - oh why not add this one ... it might help.
help dull the pain -- but not
or even remotely identify the problem.
Try this cocktail ... then that one ... red pill, blue pill, 1/2 the pink every other Monday at noon and six ...




I don't want to.
And you can't make me.

can they?
Well, of course not. But when the pain is so bad and there aren't any answers in sight ... I am left
wondering ... how.

And ... feeling like a martyr. and I hate that. I hate it because I don't want to be the person that can never truly say "I'm fine" ... I'm NOT fine. I am barely "ok" on most days. and I hate repeating myself over and over and over ... a broken record. I hate it that I want to scream at people, nice people who just want to know and reassure .. but ask questions that I can't (or won't) answer ... I want to scream NOTHING HAS CHANGED ... no answers here.

but I don't. Scream. ever.
Only in my head.

this is my blog and I won't apologize for weeping here ... because here is where I can scream ... even if just a little. I hope you understand.


Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. Carl Sandburg

You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. Psalm 69:5-6

1 comment:

Sunshine said...

Hi Frannie,
I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you've been having, I'll be praying for you that they will get to the bottom of things and that you will be healed.