Wednesday, May 02, 2007

It hurts less this time.

We don't say the words, not out loud anyway. There isn't the usual utterance of its not you, its me. There are no apologies or explanations. No definite goodbyes or clean cut endings.

We are simply left wondering what happened?

I should know better by now. Really, come on, I am not a naive school girl anymore. I have been down this path a time or ten. And admittedly, it does not hurt as much this time ... but it does hurt. The ending of another grown up friendship.

I guess it hurts because each time I think this time will be different. We'll be best friends forever - just like Lucy and Ethel. Or Jennifer and Courteney - or even Oprah and Gayle ...

Well, without the fame, the cash, the cameras - of course. But we'll vacation together, we will bring our husbands, but really it will be all about what we want to do. We'll have spa days and girls only nights out ... We'll prop each other up when we're down. Be the only person to tell it like it is. Recommend great recipes, tear articles from the newspaper, trade weight loss secrets, buy each other trinkets when we are out of town.

It's like we are friend dating ... there is that, almost obsessive, need to check in daily. We talk for hours on the phone - sharing our hopes, dreams, fears ... our scars, our nasty truths ... things we would never dare share unless we knew this was forever.

hmmm. I laugh now. What is forever? In terms of friendship anyway. I know there are people who have friends for a lifetime. I am certain there is a secret to their ability to stick together forever.

I haven't discovered it yet. Heck, I haven't come close ...

Again, I have to say, this isn't how I thought it would be. I thought my friends from my 20's would be my friends always. But then we all grew apart - marriages, babies, new jobs, moves, divorces. There was a sting with each loss. An ache for what was.

In my 30's I thought I had found my forever friends - sort of like the adopted children who search for their forever families. We became each others families, when our own didn't quite measure up. But now, one by one, these friendships are fading as well. There is still a sting, an ache, with each loss. It just isn't as profound.

It could be said, and I will recognize it sooner than later, that these friendships come in and out of my life, our lives, at just the moment we need them. They serve a purpose and then vanish when life's needs change.

I didn't expect to lose this particular friendship so soon. I could feel it coming the last few months ... the canceled dates, the vague answers during conversations ... yes, I suppose I knew it was coming but like the naive teenager in love, I thought we could work it out. If I just tried harder, gave her some space ... I guess not.

This morning was confirmation of what I should have known ... I went to your door, we were supposed to have coffee and chat - kids in tow ... you weren't home. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, I waited ... LittleMiss crying because she knew this was her day to play with FancyGirl. Finally, I call your cell phone - you answer sheepishly, like you know the call is coming and will deal with it because you have to ... but ...

I know at that moment. We.are.done. You say you forgot. I know you didn't - we spoke yesterday. I hear it in your voice. I heard it yesterday too. Something in our friendship isn't working for you ... I have a guess, but that's all. I can speculate, but it doesn't change the outcome.


And although it does hurt less this time, there is still the ache for what was.


A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. - Ecclesiastes


ramblin rose said...

Been there!!! ((((((((hugz)))))))

Know how your feeling first a feeling of shock, disbelief and then why ????

Obvisouly you are a angel, a wonderful warm woman, and are meant to touch others lives (as you do) hang in there..

your blogger friends are with you...


the rose is back!!! come check her out ....

Andie said...

I have totally been there. hugs to you because I know exactly how you feel.

Hope you don't mind me popping in.

Heather said...

This made me sad. :(

I lost a grownup friendship about two years ago and I still don't think I'm over it. Why do they hurt worse than childhood frienships?


T-girl said...

Sigh... been there myself. Think we all have, what is even worse is that once YOU back off I have found that they want back in but in this situation I would be like "hu-uh sister!" Sorry but I think arranging a playdate at your home then not being there, when you had PLENTY of time to cancel, reschedual etc, is completely and totally inappropriate no matter WHAT her feelings are towards you. Hell if she didn't want to do it, she shouldn't have schedualed the damn thing in the first place!!!! Sorry, that part chaps my hyde, especially when the kids are in tow you know? It shows and utter lack of class and YOU are a classy lady, there fore good ridance! Still hurts I know but it isn't you (Many people can't handle closeness, even in friendship), that is there prob though. Eitherway, I think there is something wrong with her, starting with a complete and total lack of manners!!! There... I said it like it is for you! ;) You ever get a wild hair to drive a few hours I promise I WILL be home... as long as you call first/plan ahead! ROTFLMBO

Lot of BIG hugs- T

M said...

I can really relate. Lately, it feels like I've been losing friends left and right. Some of those friendships really were ready to end, I think, but some I really do feel that sting.

I didn't imagine at this age having to almost start completely over making new friends--and meeting new people is hard enough!--but this is what I'll have to do. Hopefully, I choose my new friends well and take good care of those relationships because I don't want to lose any more friends.

I think some of it is because I, and my friends, have changed so much since 10-15 years ago and we aren't the same people we were then in a lot of ways. I've started to think maintaining a friendship is a million times harder than maintaining a romantic relationship. At least that has been the case for me.

I'm sorry about your friend. I definitely know that feeling of loss you must be experiencing.

Jagular said...

I've been thinking about this post of yours all night long.
I've been there.
I've lost a lot of friends over the years, but the old ones are the worst. I had a really good friend from highschool who I kept a friendship going with for many years, but eventually he got all into drugs and I eventually told him to come back when he straightened his life out. It's tough.
I think it's mostly hard because I put a lot into my friendships. I don't treat friends lightly.
I'm not sure that what happened with you and your friend was worth breaking a friendship over, but it sounds like the last of a series of events. Kind of a 'last straw'.

What drives friends away, do you think? I wonder if I'm an asshole and don't know it. It sure would explain a whole lot.

Beth said...

Hugs to you Frannie....I too, have been there.

Our family's were close, we did everything together....yet, it's now different...not the same...

I think friends come in and out of our lives just when we need them. some you have forever, even tho it might not be int he same capacity as it once was. times change and so do friendships.

Hang in there. You are a sweetheart and things will get better....I hope. :)

Prunella Jones said...

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Losing people definately hurts.