I said before that I think we would still both say we were good friends. I know we would. But things have changed. Irrevocable change.
She called today. I saw the number and didn't answer. Not yet prepared to tell her how I genuinely feel and also that I understand.
She left a message. I could tell that she was searching for the words. Ummm just calling to see how things are going -- and you know, well hoping you aren't upset about last week. Well, ummm call me when you get a chance.
I want to be a grown up here - we have both been grown ups in this relationship, until last week. But today just isn't the day. Maybe it is post PMS, I don't know ...
Maybe it is because I heard through the grapevine that her and her family had booked tickets on a cruise next fall -- and I didn't even know it was in the works. Why should I care? Why should I feel sad about that?
It isn't because we (my family) would have gone too, we aren't in that place. I think it has more to do with the fact that normally it would be something that we most excitedly discuss ... she would tell me her plans and I would act all jealous - but be truly glad that they were going to do something so great for them.
In this way, it is like a breakup. When you hear that he is seeing someone new and you realize that you just don't know anything about his life any more. You used to know everything ... now you are shocked by his choices, his changes; the new people he is hanging with, the new job you didn't realize he was applying for, the new hair cut, the move, whatever.
All of that and realizing that you have to start over. Reinvest. Reinvent. Allow someone to see the inner you again. Rehash all of your life's journey so that someone new can understand who you are and where you come from. Meeting someone that will only know who you are - not who you were. Perhaps that isn't a terrible thing ... but there is comfort in having someone who knows what you have been through to get where you are ... someone who gets you.
Like I said, maybe it is post PMS, I am feeling quite melancholy today ... weepy actually. Maybe it is because I knew the call would come and I hoped I would be more able to face it ... I am not usually a wimp but I just don't feel like playing this out - at the same time, I don't feel like finalizing things. Make sense?
Maybe it's because this is my 3rd (or 4th even) friendship that has sortof ended this year ... 2 moves, 1 life style choice-the cheater, and one major disagreement (not a friendship really, but a family relationship) ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Whatever. It's Tuesday - tomorrow will certainly be a different day :)
* I promise I won't spend much more time on this ... I just have to purge myself of these feelings and this seems to be the only place -- I can talk to Mr. Farmer about it but him being a guy and all, with few friends and fine with that, he just doesn't get it. I don't discuss it with the kids because they go to school w/her kids and all ... and they are already curious so .... I do apologize for boring you! *
Charity. To love human beings in so far as they are nothing. That is to love them as God does. - Simone Weil
I am happy and content because I think I am. - Alain-Rene Lesage
An exhortation to the practice of virtue.
3:1. My son, forget not my law, and let thy heart keep my commandments.
3:2. For they shall add to thee length of days, and years of life, and peace.
3:3. Let not mercy and truth leave thee, put them about thy neck, and write them in the tables of thy heart.
3:4. And thou shalt find grace, and good understanding before God and men.
3:5. Have confidence in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not upon thy own prudence.
3:6. In all thy ways think on him, and he will direct thy steps.