Thursday, May 24, 2007

I keep waiting.

Thinking that I will have something of worth to say.
That at some point I might not sound like a broken record.
Days go by too quickly.
Moments I can't record fast enough - or remember long enough.
Things seem dark, except when they aren't ... and I have a hard time distinguishing at the moment.

I have talked about anxiety here. Depression, have I mentioned it. Both are present at the moment and I am not entirely sure why.

Mr. Farmer and I have been getting along better than we have in years! His new venture is really good for him - and will be good for us eventually.

Kids are kids. They don't change too much. Thank God. They have sweet moments - there are sour ones as well. LittleMiss asks me 100 questions a minute and AngelBaby won't seem to let go of my leg, arm or whatever body part she chooses at the moment. SweetiePie is a pre-teen ... upset easily, rebounds quickly - answering the opposite of everything I (or anyone) say. HeartBreaker is busy breaking hearts - mine, theirs, everyone's ... just a fact.

I watched the
Rosie/Elizabeth Showdown on Youtube. Sad. It makes me sad. So many reasons why.

I have cooked more food in the last few weeks than in entire adult life. People seem to like it - will they pay for it? That's the hard call.

Money is so tight. It sucks. I am a grown up ... thought it would be different.

I have 2
Netflix movies sitting here for almost 4 weeks. Yikes. Perhaps I should cancel - save myself $16.25 a month. Duh.

I need a vacation. A serious vacation.

My friend (the one who dogged me) and I spoke last week. It was awkward. Not the same. Maybe this is part of the reason I am feeling dark. No one to talk to about my stuff. I feel isolated ... but don't feel ready to make a new BFF and can't really still talk to the old one.

Migraines galore. Seriously ... I pray that menopause will cure them. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this pain. 2 nights ago, I laid (lay, lie ...) on the bathroom floor, trying to talk myself out of vomiting, knowing it will hurt more - AngelBaby next to me; crying that Mommy is scaring her ... Mr. Farmer sleeping - has to be up at 5 am (it's 11pm) ... he wants to fix it but he can't. Go to the Doctor he says ... somehow forgetting that I have - at least a billion times. No answers. He helped with AngelBaby eventually.

My good friend
TTQ has been working on a new template for me ... I fear I am too picky for her, but she is really doing an outstanding job. Show her some love if you gotta minute!

This Site! Find recommendations for cool and hip items ... make suggestions ... let me know if you sign on, I would love to see what you love!

I have become addicted to books on CD. It is great to play the book and be able to rewind and catch up again ...

Shefinds is also a new discovery. Where to find trendy fashions - celeb handbags, jewelry, bras, makeup - you name it. Not that I buy anything but I do love to look.
I got this:
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket for Mother's Day! I love it!

It totally makes up for never getting this: Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Mr. Farmer keeps calling me every hour to see if I am feeling better ... wonder if he really thinks that helps ... Bless him ...

Out for now ... I should probably shower ...


The happiest people seem to be those who are producing something; the bored people are those who are consuming much and producing nothing.William Ralph Inge (1860-1954)

In faithfulness he [God] will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. In his law the islands will put their hope. Isaiah 42:3-4


The Cube said...

Welcome to the doldrums! The time when everything seams to be going fine, but for some reason you just feel BLAH. We all go through them, some take longer than others, or just go there more frequently, me being a good example. I really don't know why it is that way, maybe we just expect more than we have, more excitement, being further along in life. i guess one way to deal with it is to go out and do something shocking. You mentioned going on a vaccation, do it! It may not be the most finanacialy acceptable thing, but for your own mental health it will do wonders, besides you only live once, and you can't put a price on adventre and memories.

T-girl said...

Aw, that is sweet he is thinking of you... but can't he do it quieter? LMAO

I think you just have a lot of life changes going on which is stressful, hence the migraine uptake! Try to take some time out for YOU! Say to Mr. Farmer, "baby, can you take the kids for 30 mintutes while I hide out in the barn?" LOL Then you go and do something for YOU, sit and stare at the dang wall if you want, whatever it is YOU want to do!! You do that EVERY, SINGLE NIGHT! Ok, fine reality... at the very least once a week but shoot for bi-daily! LOL

BTW- sometimes when things are going good for us I kind of panic. It is not my "norm!" LOL Anyways, just give it time, take lots of deep breaths and feel free to vent all you want! ;)

Hugs- T

Slackermommy said...

Wish I had good advice but I'm in a funk myself. You are not alone sister.

ffleur said...

I'm sorry you suffer migraines. Thankfully I never have so I can't relate but I am very sad for you. How painful when you already are so busy.

Heard somewhere, sometime that Botox worked for migrains. Have you heard that?

You write very well. Even when you feel down, you are still eloquent. I wonder if literary creativity might be an outlet for your depression?

TTQ said...

I got a postcard from a Plastic Surgeons office that says Botox will help with Migraines! I was like yeah! I want Botox injections and I want my migraines to go's a win-win situation..until I looked up it on the web, insurance will not pay because the govt hasn't approved it's use for migraines. Bummer. but I still think it might be worth it.. to pay out of pocket.

Swishy said...

I have not been able to get into your blog forever! I am so sorry things have been crazy. Definitely try to get some "you" time, even if it's just little increments. Did you see Oprah yesterday? That's what it was all about. YOU DESERVE IT! And you need it!

Frannie Farmer said...

Cube - welcome. Blah is right .. I am working on that vacation!
T - yep, if only he could be as quiet as he tries to get the kids to be. Part of the issue is that when it (the migraine) gets sooo bad, I can't think clearly - I can't ask him to do things, and he is so worried about me that he doesn't really know what to do. You would THINK that after all of these years we would have a plan ... but not so much :)
Slacker - thanks friend! I need that!
ffleur & TTQ - I have heard the Botox thing too, also that any sort of plastic surgery in the facial/eye area helps too ... Mr. Farmer and I have had long discussions about the possibility. To me, it would be worth the $$ -- if only I had the $$! I would do it in a heart beat!
Swishy - I didn't see Oprah, but I know I need some me time - I am just TERRIBLE about asking/demanding it ...