Thursday, March 01, 2007

Diary Posts

February 28, 2005

Dear Diary,

I lost it - one year ago today; can you believe it? One entire year – 365 days … it wasn’t a leap year was it? … How life changed on that day. The loss of something so precious. I never imagined how profoundly one event could change my life … well, the lives of so many really. I didn’t plan for it, I couldn’t have imagined it, and I certainly didn't manage it.

But of course, I never imagined that I would have such a gift in my life to being with. Me, an average sort of gal … really what would I do with something so magnificent? Clearly I was not worthy to begin with. No wonder, it was so easily lost …

I have had plenty of losses in my life. Some through my utter foolishness, gambled away as easily as fifty in Vegas. Others simply stolen away, vanishing before I had a chance to hold more tightly. Still others were merely given up – more or less willingly…a slight hesitation, but in the end you just let go … because it is right or easier or just too darned exhausting to hold on.

I tend not to dwell too hard on the things that I have lost, the people that have drifted in and out of my life … friendships, love, relatives, employers … all these things happen for a reason. Life is one big lesson and I am here to learn it.

This loss, however, I dwell. I will dwell and mourn and contemplate this loss every day for the rest of my life. No day shall pass when I don’t wonder what I could have done differently. What I could have said to change the outcome? What card could I have played?

But I can’t go back, can I? I can not change the things that have been said, the perceptions, the choices. I can not erase the pain. Oh how I wish I could … I would give anything to redo it.

But first I would have to understand it … and I don’t. I can’t.

And I am just not sure I want to … yet. I am no sure I can take it.

Maybe another year … maybe I will be in a better place next year. Maybe, maybe, maybe. God willing, maybe!



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February 28, 2007

Dear Diary,

More than a year. It absolutely took more than a year – I am recovering … I still dwell. That hasn’t changed, it won’t. But I am better. I am doing better, every day.

Don’t get me wrong – I still miss the gift. The precious gift. That doesn’t, won’t, can’t change … but my ability to deal with the loss … yea, I am more capable.

And I am finding that I am more worthy. Worthy of valuable gifts, fragile gifts, precious gifts. I am so much more worthy than I thought.

I still don’t fully understand it. And I still don’t know if I want to.

… there is more that I need to write here – dear diary … but the biggest change since that entry is that I don’t have as much time to write those lengthy accounts of my life, but let me tell you – that is ok with me – you see, it is because of the gifts I have been given that I am not afforded the time to languish over the things that I can not change.

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Happy March!

xoxoxo

Frannie

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson

But these two things will come on you suddenly in one day: Loss of children and widowhood. They will come on you in full measure In spite of your many sorceries, In spite of the great power of your spells. Isaiah 47:9



5 comments:

T-girl said...

OH, I like the Quotes.

Some losses take longer to get over but eventually you do make peace with them, sometimes you don't even realise until... next year! ;)

Hugs- T

Ms. Elenaeous said...

There are some things/people you just cannot change and no matter what you do they will not change. So I believe it's then up to us to not allow them to affect us. Only I can allow myself to let them affect me. The reason's there, we just don't see it...yet.

Anne said...

I hope your heart continues to heal...

Frannie Farmer said...

T - each year becomes easier, except when its harder :O)
Ms. E - Absolutely. I am still in the learning curve on this one, but I am working on it every.single.day!
Anne - Baby steps ...

Scooter said...

i have lost, too. i lost far more than i thought it was possible for me to lose and still live,
and yet i live.
i lost what i treasured most because i was so desperately afraid of losing it,
and yet i live.