Monday, December 11, 2006

Did you ever have a day ...

that changed everything?

A day that makes you stop and rethink all that you know?
All that you think you know. Thought you knew.
All that you are familiar with, maybe even comfortable with?

A day that you wish you could stop?
Turn back the time; unsay the words that have been said?
Undo that damage that has been irrevocably done.

A day that, although you know it is real and true, remains hazy - unclear, regardless of the number of times you replay it in your head?
You can speak the words, analyze the actions, the emotions, and yet it remains illusory.

I have had many of these days in my life.

The day I found out my parentage.
The day I learned my first real best friend was moving.
The day I told my first lie.
The day I found out the first lie was told about me.
The first time someone broke up with me, cheated on me, lied to me ... yada, yada, yada.

The day I learned I was pregnant with Heartbreaker. Certainly not a day I would want to stop or take back – but a day, that even all of these years later, just doesn’t seem real.

The day I got married - the first time.
The final day of our 'marriage'.

The day I said something insensitive to a good person.
The day I said something insensitive to a bad person. What, like they didn’t know that already, who was I to point it out?

The day I didn’t stand up for someone who deserved it.
The day my grandfather died.
The day I skipped my best friends, my cousin’s, my co-workers and the many other weddings I skipped because he didn’t feel like it.
The day I didn’t say what was on my mind, in my heart – a day that I will forever regret.


Yesterday.

Yesterday was one of those days.
I didn’t do it. I didn’t cause it, not really I don’t think. Maybe, who can ever be sure?

But I wanna take.it.back.right.now.please.

Even as I type, I can’t even begin to come up with the words to describe how my life was changed yesterday. To be fair; it wasn’t just my life, by far. It was the lives of many. In so many ways. Unexplainable, forever ways.

Also to be fair, I should tell you that I am not going to write about it. I can’t. I want to. I would love some advice from those of you who are so much wiser than I … but I can’t. To do so would go against my own personal code.

Just know that I am down. I have fallen, but I will get up. I don’t want to be deceptive; it is so hard for me not to be truthful. I don’t do dishonest well. If you knew me, you would know that I am not good at lying … my lip quivers and sometimes I giggle. There are no surprise parties – or gifts for that matter – at my house.

I wear my heart on my sleeve; which usually causes me to retreat, become introverted, so that I don’t have to say what is really happening. That might happen now. I don’t know. To write happy-go-lucky posts just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. Because it would be a lie.

Yesterday, my life was irrevocably changed.
It will work out. It has to.
It could be worse, much worse. I know that and I am thankful for that. Truly!

But things will never be the same and that makes me so incredibly sad.


~ Frannie

If someone does you a favor, you never forget it; if you do someone else a favor, never mention it. -Arabic saying

The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. Isaiah 7:14

7 comments:

TSS said...

Good luck Frannie. Not much else I can say. Doesn't sound like one of those problems that some cheesecake will solve.

Anonymous said...

Gosh. ((Hugs!)) That feeling is terrible... the hole in your heart (mine travels down to my tummy). I am thinking of you and hoping that you can reconcile with whatever has happened.

Drew Blackstone said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My words can't help, but these might.

Cast all your cares on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:9

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

I will pray for you. God bless

Drew Blackstone said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My words can't help, but these might.

Cast all your cares on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:9

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

I will pray for you. God bless

Ms. Elenaeous said...

Very cryptic, and unsettling. I hope it all works out for you. Have faith and if you do figure out a way to change back time, by all means let me know.

Frannie Farmer said...

TSS ~ I wish chessecake could help. Not so much. :) Thanks.
PC ~ Hole in heart - check.
Pit in stomach - check.
Hope for reconciliation - check.
There is hope, of course. It is just one of those times that there is no clear picture of the future.
Thank you!
Drew ~ Thank you so very much. I have been searching the passages - looking for words - yours are good. I appreciate them more than I can say.
Ms. E ~ Cryptic would very accurately describe life right now.
I'll be sure to let you know about my time travel ... Faith, I am hanging on to that and hope!

Frannie Farmer said...
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