that changed everything?
A day that makes you stop and rethink all that you know?
All that you think you know. Thought you knew.
All that you are familiar with, maybe even comfortable with?
A day that you wish you could stop?
Turn back the time; unsay the words that have been said?
Undo that damage that has been irrevocably done.
A day that, although you know it is real and true, remains hazy - unclear, regardless of the number of times you replay it in your head?
You can speak the words, analyze the actions, the emotions, and yet it remains illusory.
I have had many of these days in my life.
The day I found out my parentage.
The day I learned my first real best friend was moving.
The day I told my first lie.
The day I found out the first lie was told about me.
The first time someone broke up with me, cheated on me, lied to me ... yada, yada, yada.
The day I learned I was pregnant with Heartbreaker. Certainly not a day I would want to stop or take back – but a day, that even all of these years later, just doesn’t seem real.
The day I got married - the first time.
The final day of our 'marriage'.
The day I said something insensitive to a good person.
The day I said something insensitive to a bad person. What, like they didn’t know that already, who was I to point it out?
The day I didn’t stand up for someone who deserved it.
The day my grandfather died.
The day I skipped my best friends, my cousin’s, my co-workers and the many other weddings I skipped because he didn’t feel like it.
The day I didn’t say what was on my mind, in my heart – a day that I will forever regret.
Yesterday was one of those days.
I didn’t do it. I didn’t cause it, not really I don’t think. Maybe, who can ever be sure?
But I wanna take.it.back.right.now.please.
Even as I type, I can’t even begin to come up with the words to describe how my life was changed yesterday. To be fair; it wasn’t just my life, by far. It was the lives of many. In so many ways. Unexplainable, forever ways.
Also to be fair, I should tell you that I am not going to write about it. I can’t. I want to. I would love some advice from those of you who are so much wiser than I … but I can’t. To do so would go against my own personal code.
Just know that I am down. I have fallen, but I will get up. I don’t want to be deceptive; it is so hard for me not to be truthful. I don’t do dishonest well. If you knew me, you would know that I am not good at lying … my lip quivers and sometimes I giggle. There are no surprise parties – or gifts for that matter – at my house.
I wear my heart on my sleeve; which usually causes me to retreat, become introverted, so that I don’t have to say what is really happening. That might happen now. I don’t know. To write happy-go-lucky posts just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. Because it would be a lie.
Yesterday, my life was irrevocably changed.
It will work out. It has to.
It could be worse, much worse. I know that and I am thankful for that. Truly!
But things will never be the same and that makes me so incredibly sad.
If someone does you a favor, you never forget it; if you do someone else a favor, never mention it. -Arabic saying
The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. Isaiah 7:14