Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Would it surprise you?

*** Warning: Self-centered Melancholy Post Ahead – Read at your own risk! ***

So, would you be surprised if I told you that Frannie is a moody person?

That while she puts on a sunshiny face … she really feels quite dark. It is more than likely that she suffers from depression, but doesn’t want to talk about it. (Please no advice needed, I know the drill, I’ve been down the road … today I am just venting).

That she thinks things that she would never repeat. But she wants to, just to get them out of her head.

Would it surprise you that a lot of people consider Frannie to be a success? But deep down inside she feels like a great.big.fat.failure.

Would it surprise you to know that she trusts no one, not even those she probably could?

If you ask her, she will tell you she in fine … but the words in her head scream ‘liar, liar, liar’ … but no one calls her on it. She has perfected her social act, but inside she is so overwhelmed that she doesn’t know how she will get through the day.

Would you be shocked if she said she didn’t really want to live? Not that she wants to die; just that she doesn’t want to live. I think there is a difference. Perhaps she just doesn’t want to face any more days like the last few.

Would any of this surprise you?

Probably not. I doubt she is so very different than most. That’s the thing about Frannie; she is quite average – ‘adequite’ as Lindsay Lohan would say. Nothing out of the ordinary; sometimes invisible, occasionally noticeable, but never really shining.

Y’all are wise, I know this. Don’t take this the wrong way. I know that I am wallowing in self-pity. But damn it, this is my place and it is the only one I have. Right now, I have no one to talk to … no one to repeat the occurrences of the last few days to. Even here, I can’t spell it out – but I can wallow. So, please forgive me.

Today, I will be looking for all things light and airy. In the hopes that tomorrow I will have something joyful to say.

I have my prayer book out … my Bible by my side. I am seeking answers in my handbook for life. They just aren’t coming yet. They will, I know – but it doesn’t change the sullen of today.

Funny, I am coming to a close here and I just don’t know how to end. I want to say – I am not going to harm myself, I am just so incredibly sad and I just don’t know how to over come it. I know that I should talk to someone but I can’t afford it and I am just not able to ask for help right now – I am sure it is out there, but to do so could cause even more detriment to my life … sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

How do you explain all of that?

How do you end your wallow?

~ Frannie

I know God has big stuff planned that ultimately doesn't have anything to do with me. -Michael W. Smith

Shut out all of your past except that which will help you weather your tomorrows. - William Osler, Canadian physician

But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, ... that we might receive the full rights of sons. Galatians 4:4-5

10 comments:

prunella jones said...

Aw Fran, I wish I could give you a great big hug. Some days just really suck. Especially in the winter when it is dark and gloomy. Hang in there. Tommorrow IS another day.

I will tell you an embarrasing secret. When I start feeling miserable I pretend I'm Scarlett O'Hara. (furious blushing) You know why? Cause Scarlett would take one look at my problems and say "Fiddle dee dee! I don't have time for this BS! I'm not going to waste another moment of my time worrying about it!" Then I eat some cookie dough ice cream and try to get on with things.

Email me if you need someone to vent to. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Wow....Not exactly sure how I found you in my random blog surfing today, but I had to comment. I feel like you took this post straight from my head! Yikes! And straight from the part that I don't share much. Thanks for the reminder that God has written my handbook, and that the answers will come. Right now there's not even an inkling of them, but they'll come. Thanks.

Karitown said...

Some days are just like that. Take a deep breath and do something just for you. That's what I do. I try to carve out some me time, even if I don't feel like it. And in the end, I feel better.

Karitown said...

Some days are just like that. Take a deep breath and do something just for you. That's what I do. I try to carve out some me time, even if I don't feel like it. And in the end, I feel better.

Ms. Elenaeous said...

Frannie, amongst the blogging community it seems lots of people are feeling the way you are right now. Let it out, if you need to talk you can e-mail me privately and by all means indulge in some really good chocolate...works wonders for me ;)

Anonymous said...

Frannie,

I can so totally relate to you. I remember a few years ago, after my divorce from my first husband, feeling just like you. Not wanting to live. I wasn't actively planning an out, I wasn't really certain I wanted to die, but I would go to bed thinking, "I wish I just wouldn't wake up"....and then the guilt....because I had three young children...and how could I be so selfish.

I have a second Blog..... Imperfect Perfections where I talk a lot about my feelings of inadequacy and my damaged self esteem. I ask you to go read a bit and leave me some comments. Tell me what you think.

Anonymous said...

HUGZ Frannie...

you took this straight from my head!!!


really you did we are here for you if you need us....

T-girl said...

It is in the air my dear! You are not alone I am just realising... everyone feels like a failure. Myself I put to many guidelines on what it is that I am suppose to do and HOW I SHOULD do it and when I fail at it... I feel like a big fat ZERO is pasted on my forhead. Lets face it we all have an "inner loser" sometimes you just have to smack the crap out of the jerk and shut him up because the cool kid in us... he is better! LOL

Anonymous said...

Would it surprise you to know that:

~I look for your comments every post I write and find a sense of peace when they are there??

~Your comments OFTEN make my eyes well up. You care so much.

~I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you??

~Your recipes are being saved for a rainy day here in OHIO??

~Your poop art story is STILL one of my favorite blog stories and will go down in blog history as so!

~I admire how you were able to leave behind that bad relationship of the past...it gives me hope.

~You inspire me to get myself on track so that I too can be a mom and wife with a house (I don't think a farm though :))!!!

~It is nice to know that you are human...that you are not just a perfect blogger with a perfect life and that WE might be a place YOU can turn to when need be.

~That you remind me about religion every time I come here...that otherwise I push it off and forget to turn to it sometimes! That it is OKAY to talk about religious beliefs and convictions in this day and age.

~That I think you ROCK as a mom, wife, blogger, and FRIEND!!!!

Anonymous said...

Would it surprise you to know that:

~I look for your comments every post I write and find a sense of peace when they are there??

~Your comments OFTEN make my eyes well up. You care so much.

~I feel I have found a kindred spirit in you??

~Your recipes are being saved for a rainy day here in OHIO??

~Your poop art story is STILL one of my favorite blog stories and will go down in blog history as so!

~I admire how you were able to leave behind that bad relationship of the past...it gives me hope.

~You inspire me to get myself on track so that I too can be a mom and wife with a house (I don't think a farm though :))!!!

~It is nice to know that you are human...that you are not just a perfect blogger with a perfect life and that WE might be a place YOU can turn to when need be.

~That you remind me about religion every time I come here...that otherwise I push it off and forget to turn to it sometimes! That it is OKAY to talk about religious beliefs and convictions in this day and age.

~That I think you ROCK as a mom, wife, blogger, and FRIEND!!!!