Thursday, January 18, 2007

Stuck.

And this time it isn't in the snow.

I am stuck with kid stuff.

More specifically ... hmmm. How do I get specific without getting too specific?

This is how it is when no one in your *real* life knows about your cyber life ...

Let me just throw it out there ...

SweetiePie is a tender hearted child. This is both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because she has so much empathy for people, such concern for mistreatment of others ... a true to desire to see people happy. Such a blessing.

The curse? SweetiePie takes everything (and I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G) to heart. It weighs her down and causes her great sorrow. A mistreated soul or a harsh word said, and SweetiePie is beside herself, often finding it difficult to let go what can not be *fixed*.

Which makes parenting difficult, to say the least.

Discipline, no matter how minor, always leads to tears and hurt feelings.
Punishment, in any form, results in the conclusion of rejection.
Disappointment, open dialog, a voice raised … well anything other than shiny happy faces equates to tears, sadness, isolation … or at least in her own mind.

I find myself not knowing how to parent this amazingly wonderful, yet bewildering child.

Part of the issue is that she doesn't seem able to think things through. The relations between cause and effect just don't resonate with her. It goes beyond the normal pre-teen stuff ... we've talked to doctors, counselors, educators ... but it just isn't easily defined. It is difficult to get into here, in writing, without describing specific incidents, behaviors, patterns ...

Some days are ok. Some days we can manage to get through the day with out a major outburst or disaster ... other days, it seems a comedy of errors; one thing after another, one excuse after another, one tear after another - hers and mine.

I am not sure why I am putting this out there today; those of you who know me know that I try (hard) not to provide too many revealing details here ... there are reasons for that, good reasons.

But I guess I write this because today was one of those days ... something wrong, broken, forgotten, hurtful at every turn ... and I feel stuck. As a parent, I just feel stuck. I lose a part of myself each time I see her sad eyes ... because I feel like she is losing a part of herself. Because I loved a life where everyone told me I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, coordinated enough ... enough - period, and I don't ever want her to think that is what I am saying to her when I am really just trying to talk about action and consequences.

I just want to do right by her ... but I don't know how.

Frannie


It's never too late. You can't screw up so badly that God can’t find something worth building in the wreckage, that life can’t assert its return when it is time. -Barbara Crafton

I've learned that people will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -- Maya Angelou

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:4

7 comments:

T-girl said...

AWWW Mama ((((HUGS))))!!!!

It is hard, I was a child like that. I eventually "toughened up" and learned to slow down and stop the thought process that got me there, at times I fall back but it is MUCH better now! The only thing I can say, is try to highlight the possitive and downplay the neg. as much as possible and take a deep breath and don't beat yourself up to much. Sadly, the world is not a nice place, so do the best you can to help her through it. My Mom would sit me down and talk me through things when something happened at school (she did have her possitive points when she wasn't being a raging meanie! LOL)! I remember one time someone called me a name (slut actually) in 7th grade. She litterally talked me through the whole thing from step one to the end basically asking questions making me think, THEN she told me next time he said he to say, "are you so stupid you don't even know how to properly use words!" LOL It worked, few days later the ass said it agian, and I said, "Do you even know wht that word means?" THEN I waited for him to tell me... infront of all his freinds. It hurt but I felt good knowing that he had no clue what he was calling me.

In the end it will be ok, your a good Mommy, it is just harder then others some days! ;)

(((HUGS)))- T

PBS said...

I hope it's just her age and that she will be able to grow out of it somewhat. It would be a tough way to live her life--and yet, it's a blessing to have feelings for other people! Many people don't have much empathy and the world needs more people like her!

prunella jones said...

I think you are doing right by her, Fran. You obviously love her deeply and you're trying to help. Did you say she's a pre teen? Those are difficult years. I think I cried for the entire year that I was 12. I remember my mom wringing her hands and being upset about and my dad saying, "hang in there kid it'll blow over." It did blow over.

Drew Blackstone said...

Don't you fret. I have the wonderful good fortune to be married to a woman with the gift (Yes, it's a gift) of empathy. It is rare to be able to feel what other's are feeling. She always helps me see the world from another point of view. It is also a burden to have that gift. She needs to be with people who understand this about her. It will be a hard journey, but she'll be alright. I hope this helps.

Lot of love. :)

Frannie Farmer said...

T, PBS, Pru and Drew,
Thanks - truly. Your words mean so much to me.
SweetiePie's behavior (actions, etc.) aren't new and that is the hard part ... it just goes on and on. And while there are so many blessings and gifts, the things that are difficult are scary .. the inability to think things through is rough - and by this I am not talking about the every day kid stuff but rather things that might harm her or others even ... playing with fire as it were.
The 'being sad' part is hard, but I know that that part can be overcome, it's the thought process (or lack there of) that is hard ... we have tried many methods and so far haven't found anything that works for her.
Ok... enough .. sorry.

jagular said...

I would just like to offer you a bit of encouragement, Frannie.
Many years ago, I was that child. You described me to a 'T'.
Except I was bad, to boot.
I committed my first felony at the age of 11. My first violent crime was at age 12. It wasn't so much that I couldn't understand the consequences.
It may have appeared that way, though. But to be honest, I just didn't care.
Ironically, I had more empathy for people than anyone I have ever known. But there was a disconnect in there somewhere.
Years later I spoke with my mother about all of the things (or at least many of the things) I had done, and she let me know that she had prayed for me every single day all the way through it. I'm convinced that is the reason I am still alive today. I did some things at that age that were so stupid that they could be called suicidal. But my mother prayed me through it all. For that I am very thankful.
Don't underestimate the effectiveness of a mother's continued prayer. I can tell you firsthand that it does make a difference.

Frannie Farmer said...

Jagular .. thank you, SO MUCH, you have no idea how much that means .. I do pray for her, and I am thankful that she isn't *bad*, just careless, although I am not sure if that is the right word.