Friday, February 02, 2007

My higher calling.

post in jest ... mostly.

I couldn't help thinking last night, as my finger was throbbing and AngelBaby was, once again, practicing her special poop-art, that this blog is my higher calling.

Let me explain ... I think, almost seriously, that God called me to write this blog so that y'all could feel better about your own lives. That my daily dilemma’s and quandaries need to be recorded, so that my cyber friends are able to properly embrace their blessings.

Now I did say that this post was in jest

But, in all seriousness, last night that (above) is what kept running through my mind.

The day that started with the shredding of my left pointer finger, continued in that same vain … to explain in detail would … well take an entire day on its own … so I think I will continue you with the Friday Fourteen, 14 crazy things that happened yesterday …

1) I shredded my finger, which continued to bleed until 10pm last night (give or take …)

2) I did not get blood on the food (Jen), but I did ruin two super sweet linen kitchen towels.

3) I did make it to church on time, only to arrive simultaneously with the busy-body sweet Widow Wilson; who was (of course) quickly filled in by LittleMiss that MaaMaa had cut off her finger while cookin’ up the food for the Ladies luncheon and it bled real bad … and of course you know that WW turned all pale and rushed off to speak with Mrs. Cater from the Baptist church … gotta love those babes.

4) After I assured WW that I had not actually cut off the finger, but rather grazed it (albeit deeply) with the new jazzy shredding implement, she agreed to revote her request that Frannie no longer cook for church functions.

5) The luncheon went well … until AngelBaby heard the water running in the kitchen and decided to strip down – for her daily sink bath ya know. You see, we have a large country style sink in our kitchen, large enough for AngelBaby and LittleMiss to bathe in … which they often do, especially if MaaMaa is trying to cook up something’ or construct one of her witty blog posts … And so, upon hearing the water and seeing the giant sinks in the church kitchen, it only seemed natural to my little darlin’ that it was bath time … I am sure those Baptist ladies are convinced that the Farmer family is nothin’ but a bunch of heathens.

6) I managed to get her clothes back with a minimal amount of screaming (for both of us), only to discover that during our scuffle I had bled through yet another Band-Aid and there was blood all over the floor – so much for sanitary regulations in the kitchen.

7) Of course bribery was required to get AngelBaby home … a bath and chocolate. Dang, it’s good to be a toddler. We got home, I put her in the bath, handed her a Hershey's Miniaturethe life I tell ya.

8) While in her luxurious bath, AngelBaby manages to pull the coffee maker into the bath with her. Why, I just don’t know … carafe, full coffee basket, cord and all - the entire bloomin' thing … scared the dickens out of me …

9) Until it made me M.A.D! *&%$@#*&!% … It is broken. Completely and entirely d.o.n.e. – I dried it out, I shook it out, I tore it apart, I even talked sweet-nothin’s to it and nothin'. It makes a strange sparky noise when plugged in.

Now, for those of you who love coffee, dare I even say require coffee … you know how devastating this is to a gal. No Coffee … UGH. And, of course I couldn’t just run on out and get a new coffee maker …

first off; Mr. Farmer will certainly say that he can fix it – so why waste the money – second; I had to take SweetiePie to the Dr. yesterday afternoon and LittleMiss first thing this morning – so no time to actually go get one … third; even if I had the time and Mr. Farmer gave up on fixin’ it (ha!), I would want to research a new coffee maker, ensuring that I get one I want this time … one that would suit my needs and compliment my kitchen.
So, no coffee this morning and I am grumpy.

10) Somewhere in there yesterday … I started my period and I don’t know about you, but the first day for me is always HELL! (Sorry guys – all 2 of you – I know that is TMI … but it is a crap-factor for the day!)

11) So, I have mentioned that AngelBaby has been sick – for a week now; a fever off and on, a runny nose and no sleep. Well, this sickness has also been accompanied by the r.u.n.s. – another true crap-factor for the day – she isn’t entirely potty trained yet, heck even if she was I doubt she would make it, and so this means several special cleanups per day.

As we were winding down last night I notice AngelBaby doing some sort of happy dance … when I go in for further inspection, (WARNING – GROSSNESS TO FOLLOW) I notice that one of her hands is in her pants – yea, the back part (not that it matters, I guess …) and she proceeds to show me … um … well … errrr … her treasure. Ick, ick, ick. I already feel light headed and nauseous, since the finger is t.h.r.o.b.b.i.n.g. like crazy and that was sooo not what a mommy needs to see.

12) Well, of course the sink is full of dinner dishes, so there won’t be a sink bath for baby … up the stairs we go. MaaMaa could use a shower anyway … so I wipe her down as best as I can … and throw her in the steaming shower … take out my contacts, tell everyone else IT IS TIME TO GO TO BED – N.O.W! and hop in the shower …

I give AngelBaby some Bath and Body Works smelly gel and tell her to wash her body – she proceeds to grab my lovely face cloth (from my amazing Christmas Gift) and scrub her coochie … with my face cloth. I can hardly believe it … this is the same coochie that … well, you know … was just covered in – ick, ick, ick. -
-Face cloth in the garbage. Shower not enjoyed much by either of us.

13) The shower, of course, caused the finger to bleed (and sting like heck) even more … so I decide to use some of Mr. Farmer super-duper blood stopping powder stuff …

This is a powdery substance that he keeps in a small plastic vial. He got it from his father when he first started shaving – and has had it since then … the same powder in the same vial. But it works. It will seriously stop you from bleeding … I remember Mr. Farmer applying it once when I have cut my leg shaving.

The part I forgot … it stings like a son of a gun. I mean it stings – bad – and it turns your wound black!

That’s when I remembered more … Mr. Farmer’s father got this concoction while serving in WW2, they used it on the wounded when there weren’t doctors readily available … now I am assuming that he made Mr. Farmer up a fresh batch when he gave him the magic vial … but that was at least 30 years ago. Hmmm. Perhaps not a smart idea on my side …

14) So finally off to bed I went. Withering in pain, cursing my new handy devise – as well as Mr. Farmer for being out of town last night, and thinking … well this is certainly a day to blog about – because they wouldn’t believe me if I tell them …

What a day.
Glad its over.

Happy Friday!


Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -Robert Orben

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17


Jenster said...

Oh my goodness! You may be right about your purpose. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard while reading someone's blog. And deep belly laughs are painful for me right now! I may have to stay away for a while. :o)

Hope today has gone better for you. Really, truly I do.

anne said...

My oh my oh my! That was definitely quite a day!!

Here's hoping that tomorrow is a little bit quieter and softer... :)

Kari Lee Townsend said...

Oh my Goodness, how can you even type to blog????

Ouch! That WW2 black stuff sounds nasty.

Hope you get some sleep.

Beth said...

man, I always used to give my babies a bath in the kitchen sink! It was big and they were little and they looked so cute sitting in there, with bubbles all over them.

My youngest son used to bring me his poop, too, he was so proud! Or he would smear it on the walls and I would find it later!

periods!!! who needs 'em?!! I HATE mine and the first couple of days are horrendous!!! I feel for ya.

now go eat chocolate.

Swishy said...

Ohhhh no!! You definitely need a nice, mellow weekend!

Frannie Farmer said...

Jen - well, I am glad you got a giggle .. so sorry if it hurt :)
Anne - the sad part is .. most of my days are like that, truly! And I just can't imagine posting it all because people would think we were nuts - and well .. I couldn't blame them!
Kari- a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right - feed the addiction :O) (to blogging - NOT the WW2 black stuff - blech!)
Beth - see, I told you a long time ago ... we are long lost sisters :O) right down to the poopy children and terrible periods.
Swishy - I am trying today. Tomorrow I have to cook for a Superbowl party ... yippee!