It isn’t that I haven’t had anything to say, maybe it’s because I have too much to say.
I have said it before, so I apologize for the repeat; when I get tired of saying how poorly things are going, I have to decide whether to lie or just stop talking. I have been in the stop talking mode the last couple of weeks.
Please, please, please don’t tell me you are sorry, or that you hope things will get better … I know you are and I know you do … but I am just so tired of being sad, hurt, frustrated, angry, tired, in pain, anxious, needy. I.AM.SICK.AND.TIRED.OF.BEING.SICK.AND.TIRED.
Maybe I am just tired of being pathetic.
Maybe I am just tired of being broken.
Because that is how I feel.
I constantly find myself saying ‘I am just waiting for life to be normal’ … but what I realize is that this hellish chaos is NORMAL for me …
Now some of y’all have been around for a while so you have had glimpses of what I am talking about … those who are new are probably scratching your heads saying ‘whew, what in the heck is up with Frannie?’
And I apologize that I can’t go into details – but I can’t.
I am just going to RANT today.
Because this week I have been told that;
*I am constantly in either physical or emotional pain.*
But I can't mention it, E.V.E.R., can I? People might think something is w.r.o.n.g.
*I identify with those who suffer.*
TRUE. - Isn't that part of what makes me, ME?
*I am a victim.*
Feels like it sometimes.
*I am powerless.*
Feels like it sometimes.
*I find joy in nothing.*
How DO I address that? To dispute it seems futile.
*Fun & spontaneity don't exist w/me.*
*There is nothing that I am proud of.*
not proud of my children,
not proud of my church activities,
not proud of my volunteer activities,
not proud of my weight loss,
not proud of my cooking endeavors.
Don't ever boast about those.
Nope - not at ALL.
*I have no regular activity that I enjoy.*
And the time to do anything regularly is WHERE? Here is ME- with children 24/7/365!
*I find ‘emotional charge’ in any conversation.*
*I am disgusted by my personal appearance.*
Have I ever mentioned the 75 pound weight loss?
Or going from a size 22+ to a 14/16?
Or that for having 2 babies in under 2yr; I think I look pretty darned good?
Am I disappointed that the girls have gone *South*? Yep!
Do I dislike the stretched out tummy stuff? Absolutely!
Disgust - nope.
*Everyone I have loved or cared about has hurt me, so I build a giant wall.*
*I have unrealistic expectations.*
*I seem lost.*
I guess I am ANGRY now. But I shouldn't be right, because I am just being told these things so that I CAN BETTER MYSELF.
Ok, got it. I will get to work on that RIGHT NOW.
FUCK OFF. For you ... anything!
Off the RANT box ... this is it, right here - the SINGLE place that I can speak (almost) freely.
So you all get the wrath.
now I think I am going to go spend some money that I don't have - on this!
Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.-Matt Groening
One of life’s most painful moments comes when we must admit that we didn’t do our homework, that we are not prepared. -- Merlin Olsen