Friday, February 09, 2007

Blogging funk.

That’s right; I am in a blogging funk. Some call is writers block, but since I don’t consider myself a writer … I am just goin’ with funk – plus I just wanted an excuse to say the word funk

It isn’t that I haven’t had anything to say, maybe it’s because I have too much to say.

I have said it before, so I apologize for the repeat; when I get tired of saying how poorly things are going, I have to decide whether to lie or just stop talking. I have been in the stop talking mode the last couple of weeks.

Please, please, please don’t tell me you are sorry, or that you hope things will get better … I know you are and I know you do … but I am just so tired of being sad, hurt, frustrated, angry, tired, in pain, anxious, needy. I.AM.SICK.AND.TIRED.OF.BEING.SICK.AND.TIRED.

Maybe I am just tired of being pathetic.
Maybe I am just tired of being broken.

Because that is how I feel.

I constantly find myself saying ‘I am just waiting for life to be normal’ … but what I realize is that this hellish chaos is NORMAL for me …

Now some of y’all have been around for a while so you have had glimpses of what I am talking about … those who are new are probably scratching your heads saying ‘whew, what in the heck is up with Frannie?’

And I apologize that I can’t go into details – but I can’t.

I am just going to RANT today.

Because this week I have been told that;

*I am constantly in either physical or emotional pain.*
TRUE.
But I can't mention it, E.V.E.R., can I? People might think something is w.r.o.n.g.

*I identify with those who suffer.*
TRUE. - Isn't that part of what makes me, ME?

*I am a victim.*
Feels like it sometimes.

*I am powerless.*
Feels like it sometimes.

*I find joy in nothing.*
How DO I address that? To dispute it seems futile.

*Fun & spontaneity don't exist w/me.*
Ditto.

*There is nothing that I am proud of.*
Right,
not proud of my children,
not proud of my church activities,
not proud of my volunteer activities,
not proud of my weight loss,
not proud of my cooking endeavors.
Don't ever boast about those.
Nope - not at ALL.

*I have no regular activity that I enjoy.*
And the time to do anything regularly is WHERE? Here is ME- with children 24/7/365!

*I find ‘emotional charge’ in any conversation.*
AM.I.A.WOMAN?

*I am disgusted by my personal appearance.*
SOOOO NOT!
Have I ever mentioned the 75 pound weight loss?
Or going from a size 22+ to a 14/16?
Or that for having 2 babies in under 2yr; I think I look pretty darned good?
Am I disappointed that the girls have gone *South*? Yep!
Do I dislike the stretched out tummy stuff? Absolutely!
Disgust - nope.

*Everyone I have loved or cared about has hurt me, so I build a giant wall.*
Likely.

*I have unrealistic expectations.*
DUH!

*I seem lost.*
SHOCK.




I guess I am ANGRY now. But I shouldn't be right, because I am just being told these things so that I CAN BETTER MYSELF.

Ok, got it. I will get to work on that RIGHT NOW.

FUCK OFF. For you ... anything!

Off the RANT box ... this is it, right here - the SINGLE place that I can speak (almost) freely.

So you all get the wrath.

now I think I am going to go spend some money that I don't have - on this!

Frannie

Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.-Matt Groening

One of life’s most painful moments comes when we must admit that we didn’t do our homework, that we are not prepared. -- Merlin Olsen

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. Psalm 63:3

10 comments:

Trish said...

Posting it out on a blog is therapeutic, no?

Heather said...

:)

Thank God for blogs. Do you feel better?

Hugs Frannie.

Things will improve.

Beth said...

I think you will feel better now....it's always good to just let it all out and scream your fool head off!

prunella jones said...

ugh. I wish I could say something helpful but I am suffering from the doldrums right now myself. I guess will both just have to hang in there.

ramblin rose said...

I swear we are sharing the same brain..... either that or we are total soul sisters.....


(((((((((hugz))))))))))))))))

T-girl said...

Hum, I keep thinking on this. I didn't post because I was not sure what to say and I don't like coming off as "kicking someone when they are down" which I would not be! lol

First off there may be some truth to what Pru is saying in her blog, we live in the NW, not exactly a booming metropolis of sun and happy here. LOL

The rest I am going to think on some more. I am assuming these things are coming from Mr. Farmer? I really have some things to say, I just need to think on them, how to say them best so they come across correctly then I will probably EM them but it will be a few days. K?

In the mean time... the people who WOULD say this say this type of deal say it because they love you. They want to love you or they would not care to say it. Remember that, for me when Big J says things like this I have to remember that. Critism of any sort is hard becuase of my upbringing so I HAVE to tell myself this!

Crap... Baby J is awake!!!!

(((HIGS))) T

Swishy said...

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with T-Girl and say that maybe SOME of those things are said by people because they love you, but not all of them. Some of them are definitely said with the intention to hurt. And even things that are said "for your own good" can be said in a loving and respectful way instead of a critical way.

Anyway.

It can be very frustrating when people just want you to be OK all of the time, and you don't FEEL OK. No one wants to hear about the bad stuff, huh? No one wants to know when you're sad or upset--it makes them uncomfortable. Which makes you feel even worse, because then you have to pretend, and I think pretending can make you feel like you're slowly dying inside.

Take a big, deep breath. It helps.

Frannie Farmer said...

Trish - therapeutic, yep!
Heather - I do feel better. Less bitter.
Beth - I do feel better, I would have screamed if it wouldn't hurt my pounding head so much :O)
Pru - thanks sweetie, I do think part of it is the SAD thing .. I loathe February.
RR - While I am SO glad to be your soul sister, I am sorry that we are feeling similarly .. it is icky.
T - take it offline baby, I would love to hear your take on things .. and give you more unbloggable background.
Swishy - you = nail on head. Especially the last part. I hear this: "you're feeling better, right ... your head doesn't hurt anymore, right ... you aren't sad about that anymore, right ...blah, blah, blah" ALL THE TIME. Over and over and over. How do I answer without letting someone down – because I should feel better … And the kicker - when I say "I feel like THIS (insert depressed, anxious, panicky)” – I get ‘no, you don’t really feel that way’ … not I wish you didn’t feel that way or I am sorry that you feel that way or you don’t seem to feel that way – but you DON’T feel that way - as if I can’t possibly know how I feel.
You know, I could go on and on … and I generally do, but the truth is; I am not ok. I have not been ok for quite some time, but we don’t want to talk about that because it will cause a stigma … and if we acknowledge that I am not ok, we have to address the other people who are (differently) not ok … it is a cycle.

T-girl said...

LMAO... I will take it offline tomorrow when I am more awake but I HAD to say I agree with Swishy also! LMAO She is right, people DO tend to say stuff when they are hurt and to hurt back BUT... here is the kicker... why are they hurt? A complete stranger (except narcisistic A-HOLES) don't care enough to be hurt or hurt back. Does that make sense? There are always two sides to every story, the sticker is trying to look at it from both sides. NEVER easy, especially when you are on the other end/the middle of it. This however does NOT make others actions or word correct behavior or even right for that matter, it is just thier perception from inside their hurt.

My comment was just an over simplification of a complex matter. I am not sure I explained it well this time either but I am SO damn tired right now I hope you all will forgive me! LOL

Hugs- t

PS BTW- this damn post is part of the reason I am so tired! I hope you feel good making a girl stay up tell 5 am thinking on stuff when she has to be up at 8... she kind of pushed it till 9:30 though and was late to her neices b-day... bad girl! LMAO

Swishy said...

I agree with T-Girl, too! LOL. It's true that the opposite of love is indifference.

Frannie, honey, I feel for you. I wish I had some good solutions. Venting is good, though! Even if other people don't want to see it, you can acknowledge to YOURSELF how you feel.