It is hard to know where to start ... I could start at the beginning but I am sure none of you really want ALL.THE.GORY.DETAILS ...
So, I will say I wasn't always a farming wife.
I wasn't always someone’s MaaMaa, even though it feels like it.
Back in the day Frannie had a career ...
Yep, I was a successful workin' woman ... ok, every time I say that I can't help but think that I sound like I was a call girl - I wasn't, although I think I certainly prostituted myself for more than one large company - right, now back to the point.
It’s funny how people think they know you. I am surrounded by people who think they know me. I suppose they do, to a certain extent, they know the person that I am now – more than that; they know the person I let them know, the one that I feel safe with them knowing.
Most who know me think of me as The Mom, The Wife or The Farmer … others, I hope, think of me as The Christian, The Caregiver or The Volunteer… while still others, I am sure, think of me as one who is callous or self-centered.
Perhaps there is a little of each of these in me. I strive to be a good Mom, but more that once I have been told I am not. I endeavor to be the wife Mr. Farmer deserves; however often I fall short. As a farmer, well, I am just makin’ do … getting’ by.
I am certainly a Christian and I desire to serve the Lord; though I know that nothing I give will ever be enough. I am a caregiver to many, but I want to care for so many more, especially those who live in my household, it seems that I am always giving in to the tyranny of the urgent … thus neglecting those who need me most.
Volunteer? Yes I do. Never as much as I think I could/should/would.
Callous – there are times when I will tell people how it is; maybe more often than I should and unquestionably with less tact than I intend. And yes, I can be self-centered, there are absolutely times when I put my foot down and scream You cant make me or Because I want to! You bet, so if that makes me self-centered, I guess I am.
Obviously, I am one that can get a wee bit off track, especially when I am tryin’ to tell ya somethin’ … my kids like that because they know that if they can get me goin’ on somethin’ I will most likely forget what I was after ‘em about …
So, anywho … way back in the day I was a pro-fess-ion-al! I had a regular 9-5 job (plus!) with fancy business cards, company car, the laptop, cell phone and my very own Palm Pilot – this before the Blackberry days. I was an important lady. I could make things happen; or better yet, stop happening if I chose.
Let me tell you; all of that power can get to a person. It sure got to me. The more important people told me I was, the more important I felt. Whew. I can see why these young actresses can go a little off the deep end. When you start makin’ the rules that other people actually listen to … well that is a heady experience.
Fast forward a few years … I started to get the feeling that life was passing me by. Real life, that is. The important stuff … like the first tooth, word, step. I was missin’ it.
But I had pretty well convinced myself, with the help of many others, that what I was doing was important and it was my right to work and well really I wouldn’t be so good at staying home with my kids anyway …
Now I am not here to stand on a Dr. Laura soapbox, I KNOW that many moms don’t have a chose about whether they work or not. I didn’t. I had to work – it was how we survived.
Except we didn’t. Survive that is.
My marriage didn’t survive. My health didn’t survive. My mental health certainly didn’t survive. My children muddled through, but ultimately it all became too much for all of us.
... I thought I could finish this today, but it is really choking me up a bit ...
More to come.
This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:12-13 (